


Nothing Lasts Forever

by dosanddonts



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-02-12 21:26:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 56,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2125221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dosanddonts/pseuds/dosanddonts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashlyn lost her spark and it's her journey back. Guys, it's FICTION NOT REAL.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A New Day is a Same Day

**Author's Note:**

> It's a bit slow in the beginning and it's going to be for the next few chapters I think but I figured it needs to have a some padding and built up. Comments are welcome. Hope you guys like it. 
> 
> There is quite a bit of swearing in the chapter.

 

Everyday is the same for Ashlyn Harris. She gets up at six, puts the water on the stove for her coffee, gets Al’s leash, goes for a 5 miles run, comes back and have her coffee, read the newspaper, goes out to the back woods to cut firewood and garden, comes back home to take a shower, fixes lunch, spend hours in her workshop crafting wood, fixes dinner, goes for a long walk with Al, and she goes to bed. There were occasional disrupts to her routine when her mother, brother, grandmother, or her friends came to visit or when Ashlyn had to go into town to get food. However, during the spring and summer Ash had most of the things that she needed growing in the back garden and even if she needed things, she would make her way into town to Jerry’s corner store and pick up what she needed and head back home. It was the peace and tranquility she got from the place that she didn’t want to leave behind. She had adapted herself to the cabin and the woods that she didn’t want to ever leave. It was definitely not the life she had in mind but it was becoming the life that she ever needed.

It was just like any other day when she was working in her workshop that Al started barking. “Al, stop it! It’s jus a squirrel,” Ash was in the middle of carving her little intricate design on the side of the teak coffee table her mother had been asking her to make. However, Al didn’t stop barking. “Al, I mean it. You know mom’s not going to be happy if I don’t get this don—” Ash didn’t even finish her word as she started to concentrate more into her carving. It was true. Her mom had asked her for the coffee table but she had been procrastinating; Ashlyn was never good at sticking to one piece of work. So, she promised that she would finish by this Christmas, 34 months later… Ash chuckled at the prolonging of her work but she was never the type to ever rush anything. She was always more of a go with the flow type and found everything to be fine as long as eventually, the job gets done. And that’s how she was treating her mom’s coffee table. As she was making a curve with her carving tool, Al barked again and this time it got her by surprise and suddenly she went off her pencil design. “Fuck!” Ashlyn shouted, “AL! I swear if you are,” she was pissed. Ashlyn got up furiously, took her gloves off as she went towards the noise and there he was, the culprit sitting in front of the door whining like a puppy, wagging his tail. Ash was about to yell at him but she realized that there was someone at the door. It was eight in the evening and it was very unusual for anyone to be even knocking at her door during the day; Ash was hesitant to open the door.

She just stood there lost in her thought wondering who that could possibly be and then was brought back to the moment when Al barked again louder wagging his tail against the wooden floor even louder. Then there was a voice, “ASHLYN MICHELLE HARRIS! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR WE’RE GONNA FREEZE OUR ASSES OFF HERE!!!”

That’s when she knew... _Oh goodness…_ Ash thought to herself. She turned to Al as she walked towards the door and said, “That’s why you were so patient and excited.” Even before Ash could open the door after she unlocked the door, the three musketeers barged in. It was Sydney, Megan, and Whitney.

“Goodness you couldn—”

Even before Ash could finish her sentence Megan started talking, “You know, this what I was worried about when you said you were going move to the fucking Stone Age. You lost all your manners!”

“Okay, you know people don’t turn up in front of my door here in the ‘Stone Age’ and when they do, they’re not people they’re bears,” Ash replied as she hugged Syd and Whitney.

Megan had by then put the box on the floor and Al was jumping all over her; Al always like Megan because every time Megan came, she would just give him EVERYTHING to snack on. “Well, if I were a bear you think this handsome dude would be wagging his tail and whine? I know right buddy? You missed me but of course your mommy won’t take you anywhere else other than the creepy back yard, right?” Megan said to Al as she rubbed her face against his.

Ash just smiled and shook her head, “So, what do you guys owe this intrusion to?” She took a peak in the box, just to in case and her guess was right: booze. It wasn’t that Ash didn’t want to go out to the city or see her friends but she often got to caught up in her own space that she forgets to make her way to meet ups with her friends.

“Do we really need a reason to come and see our long lost friend who refuses to call or text or skype… wait, you don’t even have a computer here,” Whit mocked Ash’s cabin life as she reached for a beer in the box and popped it open.

“Wait… Does that mean that you don’t get Wi-Fi?!” Syd exclaimed as she reached for her phone, “YOU PROMISED THAT YOU WOULD GET INTERNET LAST TIME WE CAME HERE!!!!!! We don’t even get 4G here Ash!”

Everyone laughed at Syd because they knew she wasn’t joking. “You get what I mean by kids these days?” Ash teased her. They finally settled down and sat around the fireplace as Ash got the fire going. Al was tucked nicely next to Pinoe –which is no surprise— Syd finally got over her “no internet” phases and was seated on the recliner while Whitney was on the floor. Ash hadn’t seen them for almost four months and as much as Ash liked the tranquility and the peace the cabin offered there was no denying that she missed her friends.

As the four gathered around the fireplace Ash realized that there was absolutely nothing to munch on at the house, “Hey guy’s, I’m going to go down to Jerry’s and pick up some stuff. You guys what anything?”

“Can you grab like those grilled cheese? Gosh, Jerry’s are the best. If you didn’t live so far down the timeline I would time travel back here just for those,” Syd said with exaggeration.

Ash just laughed, “Anything else?”

“Me too,” Pinoe said.

“Yeah and grab few more beers if you can?” Whit added.

“Sounds good,” Ash replied, “Al, you wanna go with?” Al slightly lifted his head and as Ash opened the front door and the cold air came in, that was enough for Al to just rest his head on Pinoe’s lap and drift back to sleep. Everyone laughed at this.

As Ash was putting her beanie and walking out, Pinoe said, “You know you can take the car, right? Just in case you might get attacked by a bear.”

Ash gave her a chortle and replied, “I’m sure I can ride my bike faster in the woods than try to drive around trees. How many times did you have to tell Syd to watch out while you drove in here?” Pinoe just quietly sipped her drink, “That’s what I thought,” Ash said and headed out. The fall breeze was really nice against her face. As she biked through the woods out to the main road to where Jerry’s was, she parked her bike out and walked in.

“Well, well, well, guess who this is?” Jerry said as Ash walked in.

“Haha, how’s it going neighbor?”

“Good, good. So, I see that you have company for once,” he teased her.

“Yeah, the three musketeers are here,” Ash said as she went around the third aisle to pick up some beer.

“Yeah, the dropped by to get booze,” Jerry said as Ash came to the counter to drop off the drinks, “And, looks like a box wasn’t enough?” Jerry said surprised and impressed.

“Haha nah, I think they just want to get prepared. Just in case you know?” Ash winked, “Also, Jerry, can I get three grilled cheese?”

“Of course you can,” Jerry said as he made his way behind the grill to the small diner like open kitchen right next to the counter. “So, how have you been Ash? Literally, I’m the closest civilization from your cabin and I don’t even get to see you that often. You making the extra trip down to Mike’s store to avoid me or have you been magically stocking up so that you don’t have to make the trip out?”

“Hahaha. Aw com’on Jer! You know I would never do that! Plus, Mike’s groceries aren’t as good as yours,” Ash whispered back.

“Ohhhhh so you HAVE been going down there!” Jerry said in a jokingly offended tone as he placed the grilled cheese on the grill.

“LONG TIME AGO! When you had to go figure that shit out with your girlfriend, REMEMBER?” Ash defended herself. Both of them laughed. Jerry and Ash have known each other for quite a while. They technically grew up together because the Harris and the Markson families were friends. And, every summer when the Harris family came up to Vermont, Jerry and his siblings would come hang out at the cabin.

“Anyway, how’ve you been Ash? It doesn’t hurt to join us for few drinks now and then,” Jerry said as he flipped the grilled cheese

“I know, I know. You know me, I get distracted in there and forget about everything around me,” Ash said as she swirled around her water in the cup in front of her, “Plus, you know I don’t drink.”

“I mean we can use a DD once in a while,” he replied with a laugh.

“Ah, I see you just want to use me,” Ash said giving him the squinty eyes but she just laughed. “I’ll come and hangout, I promise.”

“You’ve said that like a million times. I don’t get how someone like you, who get along really well with people, just… I don’t even know. You have a split personality. I mean, you’ve always been like that even when we were kids. Remember? When we went fishing by the stream and you were so adament about catching “that” fish that you went all the way down to Tarksburg?” Jerry said as he recalled the memory shaking his head.

“Haha yeah,” Ash replied with a laugh. Ash really did have a problem. She wasn’t bad with people nor did she hate being around people. But, since she adapted to her cabin life, it was hard for her to get out of it, especially after she started carpentry. “I remember I finally caught the fish and the next thing I knew, it was getting dark and I walked about two miles into town barefoot with the fish.”

“Yeah, and the best part was when we went to pick you up at the police station, you were crying because they wouldn’t let you hold your fish but made you wait with the fish in the bucket! Hahaha,” That story never gets old. “You weren’t even upset that you ended up in a different town,” Jerry added as she wrapped the finished grilled cheese and put them in a brown bag.

“I know… I was quite the child wasn’t I?” Ash said with a smile as she took the bag from Jerry and placed it in her backpack. “Well, I guess I never grew out of that then. Anyway, thanks Jerry. How much is it?”

“Um, two packs of beers so, 16 bucks,” Jerry said.

“Yeah, and the 3 grilled cheese,” Ash reminded.

“Nah, that’s on the house. Tell the three musketeers that that’s my welcoming and ‘thank you’ present for visiting the recluse living in the ‘Stone Age,’” Jerry replied with a laugh.

“No, Jerry here,” Ash said as she pulled out an extra twenty to hand it to Jerry.

“I’m serious, it’s all good. Ash, business is good enough for me to give out free grilled cheese, you know?”

Ash smiled, “Well, thanks. And, I promise, I’ll join you guys down for a drink. Just come knock on my door.”

“Yeah right, ‘just knock on my door.’ But, okay,” Jerry laughed. Ash packed her things and said bye to Jerry and walked out.

As Ash walked out, she noticed something by her bike. It was darn so she couldn’t really see and if it was as a skunk it wouldn’t be the first time she would be trying to run away from it, especially in front of Jerry’s. Ash saw the creature slowly come to her and she started to turn around and head back into the store when the creature suddenly started to race towards her and it jumped on her…. And started licking. It was Al.

Ash thought she almost shat her pants because last time that skunk really almost had her. “Al! What are you doing here?!” Ash was kind of relieved and still caught off guard and that’s when she saw the flash light shining bright at her and heard the laugh.

“MAN! You should have seen your face dude! Hahahah,” Whitney managed to get out in between her laughter.

“Dude! I nearly shat myself! What are you guys doing here?”

“Well, little after you left, this dude started whining in front of the door so we decided to take a walk and figured that since you were ordering something, we would be able to make it here before you left.”

“Wow, and you weren’t scared that you would get attacked by a bear?”

“Not with this trooper,” Whit said as she bent down to give Al a nice ear rub and a kiss. The three then started to walk back.

It was dark out but the moon was bright to light the path back to the cabin. They walked in silence through the cold fall breeze. Ten minutes into the walk Ash finally had to ask, “So, why are you guys here? I mean I miss you guys and I love that you guys are here but you guys don’t just drop by unless something is up,” Ash finished as she fiddled with Al’s leash in her hand and looked at her ground.

“What do you mean? We’re really just here to see you,” Whit replied.

“Bullshit. I’ve known you for ten years, don’t pull that stunt on me Whit. I know that tone.”

Whit chuckled softly, “Wow, and five years of cabin life and Ashlyn Harris can finally see through the surface, huh?”

“Ha ha, very funny so what’s up?”

“Syd’s going through stuff with her club and she just broke up with her boyfriend. Pinoe is stressed out about getting the wedding going. Well, she’s stressing out about Walsh stressing out. And…,” Whitney paused, “I miss my best friend.”

There was so much nostalgia in the way Whit said, “I miss my best friend.” When Ash decided to drop everything she had and move to Vermont, she didn’t realize what she was doing to everyone around her. However, she lost her spark and everything she ever fought for and needed a change and that change just so happened to be in Vermont. She had to be selfish and put herself first. She had to find her spark again and even after the move, it didn’t come to her right away. It took her three years before she finally felt like she was on her way to her old self. “I know Whit. I’m sorry. I didn’t have much time to think about anyone else five years ago. I was desperate to find myself…”

“Hey, stop it. I’m not saying this is bad. I’m glad you did. You just didn’t have that spark anymore in you. And, when I look at you now, I’m so glad that all that time we worried about you wasn’t just for nothing. All that time we worried about you was rewarded with the you today,” Whit replied as she put a hand on Ash’s shoulders and smiled. “Anyway, yeah…,” They could see the cabin light from afar and suddenly Whit changed her ton of voice, pretended like she had glasses on and a clipboard and started talking. “So, today Miss Harris, you will most probably be in a night long meeting with Ms. Leroux and Ms. Rapinoe. Ms. Leroux has had it rough recently with her boyfriend who was very much a dick and she finally grew a pair to dump him and Ms. Rapinoe, has had it rough with her soon-to-be wife about whether they want the wedding flowers to be green and yellow or red, blue, and white.”

“Huh? Wedding flowers being green and white or red, blue, and white?” Ash asked quizzically.

“Let’s just say that they are both very patriotic. But, yes. That is your schedule and the estimate meeting time with each is…. Undetermined as it might be a verrrrry long meeting,” Whitney wrapped up her report.

“Haha thank you Engen. I’ll keep that in mind,” Ash said as she played along and wrapped her arm around Whit’s shoulder as they walked into the house.

“HARRIS!” Sydney yelled, “Gosh, I thought I was going to starve!”

“Haha you guys look comfortable,” Ash said as she saw that the two were already dressed in her UNC gears. Ash didn’t mind. That was the best part about them. They all were comfortable enough to know each other’s boundaries and wearing clothes was definitely not one of them. Plus, what’s better than having a UofP and a UCLA wearing a UNC t-shirt? Nothing. “Sorry, but it takes time to make grilled cheesy and plus it has only been like half an hour. Also, Jerry gave those for free,” As said as she tossed each one to Syd and Pinoe.

“Yeah?” Pinoe and Syd said at the same time with a smile.

“You know, I should just try to work it out with Jerry. He’s good looking, polite, nice, built, educated,” Syd listed as she took a bite of her grilled cheese.

“And, domesticated. My goodness, these just get better every time,” Pinoe said with a mouthful.

“I know. I just don’t get why someone who graduate cumlaude from Stanford is running a corner store in a town nobody knows in Vermont,” Syd said curiously but too distracted eating her grilled cheese.

“Yeah, really. You know, that says a lot about the job market these days,” Pinoe replied. Ash and Whit just exchanged a look and smiled because they Jerry. They knew that Jerry actually is a freelance stockbroker who never has to work. Damn be it, three generations after him don’t have to work with the amount of money he has earned. And, that was the reason why Ash liked him so much. No body in town knew how well off he was nor did he ever once go around telling anyone. He got rich, paid off his family’s debt and school loans and gave 30% of his stock shares to charities. He was the most well rounded person Ash knew. And, now that Syd mentioned something about Jerry, Ash was going to keep that in the back of her mind.

“Who knows, he could be a really rich farm boy. You know farmers make a shit ton of money, right?” Ash threw out there.

“Right… I would have even believed that if he didn’t wear the same cargo pants that I saw him in, five years ago when we dropped you off,” Syd said. Ash just laughed because that’s just so Syd.

“Anyway,” Ash started off as she picked up a beer for Pinoe and opened a bottle of wine and poured it in a mug.

“Aw, Harris. You remembered!”

“Syd, if anything, I will never forget this,” Ash said as she handed Syd the mug, “The day we first met and when I asked you if you wanted a glass of wine you said, ‘A mug of wine would be better,’” And everyone laughed at the memory.

“What? The girl likes her wine,” Syd said right before she took a sip.

“Anyway, as I was saying… Heard from the great vines that you finally broke up with Brad?” Ash brought it up carefully as she took a swig from her beer.

Syd gave Whit the look but in a way the look also said ‘thank you.’ “Yeah… well… About time right? I know that was the right thing and all but I’m so torn… And then the thing going on with my club… Like I understand that it’s hard but they can’t just cut my pay or threaten me that they’ll trade me to some unknown club in Australia. I mean no offense to Walsh or your Pinoe,” Syd finished.

“None taken. I wouldn’t want to go either. Not to sound pigheaded but sending one of the top goal scorers on the world number one ranked team? That’s bullshit. I’m telling you, they’re bluffing,” Pinoe replied, “And if they aren’t. Quit and go to another team. I’m sure Matt can pull those strings Syd. Your agency isn’t like some random sports agency. I mean, Alex, Cheney, and Tobin are there and so is Jrue and have of his basketball team.”

“Yeah, Syd. Seattle is probably just broke, especially with the way your season ended last year. Sorry about that. They just need some time to rebuild. And if you don’t think they are being reasonable then you should find a better team,” Ash added.

Syd gave Pinoe a look and Pinoe got a glimpse of it as she took a sip of her beer, “Oh my gosh, you can’t possibly be thinking what I think you’re thinking!” Pinoe said in defense. “What was I supposed to do? Walsh wanted to settle in Chicago with her family and I’ve already told her that it wouldn’t be rational for us to live in Australia. Com’on Syd, you know how much I love Seattle. I need to compromise with her AKA the person I’m going to live with for the rest of my life. Can you imagine what she would have said if I didn’t even make that effort?”

Syd understood. It was just that she wanted her sidekick back. With Hope and Keelin retiring, Pinoe going back to the Red Stars, Little and Naho moving to England to play in the bigger leagues after the team didn’t do too well last season, Syd was feeling the pressure. It felt as if everyone counted on her but she wasn’t able to return the expectations… That was the truth. It wasn’t that she was upset about the salary cut. Damn, she would stay in Seattle even if they paid her a penny. What she was really afraid was disappointing everyone.

“Well, do what feels right Syd,” Ash said.

“Ugh, you wise ass, that’s not why I asked to be driven all the way here so that you can tell me to do what feels right…. Ash….” Syd moaned.

“Haha, what did I say? I said Ash wouldn’t say much right?” Whit jumped in with a laugh.

“And you…?” Ash asked Pinoe as she hung her legs over the armrest of the couch, took a sip of her beer and put her other arm behind her head.

“How’s the wedding prep going?”

“Ugh… I don’t know just stressed out. I mean I really don’t care what we do to be honest. Like, I just want to stay here in the States and for the most part Walsh said she’s totally fine with that but she’s just… Yeah… I mean she just has a lot that she wants to do for the wedding.”

“That’s not what the little birdy told me…” Ash said with a knowing smile.

“What do you….” And then she looked at Whit.

“What?”

Ash laughed, “I mean really? Green or yellow or red, blue, and white flowers? I mean what are we going to? An Australian and American Independence Day party?” Ash asked and that got a laugh out of Whit and Syd.

Pinoe’s jaw dropped and was slightly offended by the comment only because she thought it was a brilliant idea. “Oh, so you’d actually leave the Stone Age and travel to the future for my wedding?” Pinoe replied with sass.

“You know I would time travel, cross the seven seas, dig a hole to China, and travel to space to make it to your wedding,” Ashlyn smiled

“Right…” Pinoe said as her smile crept back on her smile. The four of them sat there and caught up. Four months can be short but they have also been very long as Ash found out that Alex and Serv were also busy with their wedding prep, Abby and Sarah thinking about a second kid, Kelley was out surfing doing her thing in Australia, and Tobin was doing better than ever leading the Houston Dash in the league after she was traded to save the team. As the night was slowly coming to an end with talks dwindling they decided that they should go to bed and pick up where they left off tomorrow.

Everyone got up to help clean up. Pinoe was picking up bottle caps and scraps while Whit was getting the living room ready for their giant sleepover and Syd and Ash were taking the bottles to the recycling box. “Wow, we drank a shit ton,” Syd said.

“I don’t know why you’re so surprised. Remember last time? I think Jerry said you guys emptied the whole rack.” Both of them brought in the bottles collected in the paper bag and box to the back porch. As they were about to head back in Ash caught Syd by her arm. “Hey, the Syd I know would play soccer for empty plastic bottles. No one is ever going to point fingers at you. You know why? Because they all know you. They know how much you love the game and they know you’re giving 110% every time you put your cleats on to play the game you love. So, if you’re happy playing soccer in Seattle then, that’s all it matters. Don’t think what others might think about you. Because if they’re pointing fingers at you, that’s because they don’t know shit about you. Plus, I think Seattle can use some Leroux magic. The youngsters can definitely learn something from you,” Ash reassured her.

Syd smiled and with that, Syd knew that that’s all she wanted to hear and she knew that Ash would be able to give her that comfort. The two walked in arms around each other and Ash felt something she hadn’t for a while: company.


	2. Moving On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is much cursing and it's still kind of slow but I promise, it's going to pick up the next chapter. Hope you guys like it.

**Chapter 2: Moving On**

 

The three musketeers and Ashlyn got up the next morning and planned what they wanted to do. Of course, Ash was up at her usual 6 AM and went for a run with Al. The Three musketeers were there for one more night and they wanted to go stream fishing. The funny thing is that none of them ever dare touch the fish but that’s what they always wanted to do when they came up. So, Ash got the fishing bates and the poles ready for the day. It was a nice and chill day for fall and they all got dressed for the occasion.

The stream was a 20 minutes walk away from the cabin so the girls were able to enjoy the nice scenery. The leaves were turning red and yellow on the trees and if they weren’t on the trees, they left a pretty trail on the ground. As they arrived by the stream, Ash found a nice fishing spot and placed everything and got things ready. It wasn’t the first time but every time they went fishing, the fishing 101 class needed to be repeated. “Okay, you nut heads. Make sure you lock and unlock your wheels so that you don’t just let your hook drift with the current all the way down to la la land. Second, don’t forcefully pull thinking that it’s always a fish SYDNEY because it’s most likely stuck under a rock. I’m still waiting for the reimbursement of my three fishing poles you broke in ONE day. Third, watch out for branches when you throw your bates. Actually, Pinoe and Whit, watch out for Syd. That might be a much wiser advice. Last, I’m not going to be hooking any bates so you guys are all on your own,” Ash ended.

“ASHHHHHHHHH,” the three said in unison.

“What?” Ash just smiled, put on her sunglasses and threw her bate in the stream.

“That’s totally not fair,” Syd said with a pout.

“Whatever be that way asshole,” Pinoe added. Ash just chuckled as she took a seat on the rock and patiently waited.

Three hours later they had caught four big fish, Ash got two, Pinoe got one and Whit got one. They were all pretty big and while the two of them were super excited about their catch and dinner, all Ash could think about was having to do all the work to get the fish ready. However, she was happy. While they were all ready to go, Syd insisted that she wasn’t going to leave until she caught one herself. The three of them laughed at Syd as she adamantly stayed put, holding her fish pole out. About thirty minutes passed when Syd felt a tug. At first she thought it was caught under a rock so she slowly tried to reel it back only to realize that it was harder to reel back. Ash, Pinoe, and Whit were so busy catching up and watching over their bucket of fish they didn’t realize what was going on until Syd yelled, “ASHHHHHHH! FISHHHHHHH!!!” Ash got up and rushed over to Syd and sure enough Syd had caught one. And not just any old fish but a really big one. So, Ash helped Syd reel it out of the water and when they finally got the fish out of the water, everyone’s jaw just dropped. The fish was almost twice as big as Syd’s forearm. Of course, Syd was jumping up and down shouting, “HA HA! In your faces bitches! Guess who won today!? HUH? HUH? HUH?” Pinoe, Whit, and Ash just laughed.

“Hey Syd, they say that you’re supposed to kiss the fish you know or it’s bad luck,” Ash said.

“What? No way… What kind of bullshit is that?” Syd said with much doubt that what Ash said isn’t true.

Pinoe was ready to play along, “It’s true but if you don’t want to don’t. Guess you’ll just find out.”

“All right, well then lets put this giant in the bucket and go,” Ash said as she got up holding the fish that was wrapped in a towel towards the bucket.

Ash saw that Syd was hesitant but she knew that she had gotten Syd. “OKAY FINE! I’ll fucking kiss it!” Syd yelled as she closed her eyes.

Whit and Pinoe started to laugh and Ash brought the fish over to Syd. “Mkay, but you can’t let it go, okay? Harris, I will seriously punch you if you try to shove that thing into my face and I will kick you into the water,” Syd wasn’t joking.

“Haha okay, I’ll hold it and you can just kiss it real quick.” Pinoe got her phone out and was recording all this. She couldn’t hold her shit together at how naïve Syd was. But could she blame her with everything going on in that girl’s life?

As Syd closed her eyes and wrapped her hands around Ash’s hands to make sure that Ash wasn’t about to just shove it in her face, there was a loud noise. RAAAAAWWWRRRR.

Every thing went quiet. Nobody moved. Ash slowly turned her head toward the noise and there it was, a huge bear, about 20 yards away from them across the stream.

“Holy fuck…. Is this real life…?” Pinoe whispered loudly.

Ash had to think quick. There was nothing worse than having to run away from a bear in the forest, especially when you’re with wood-newbies. Then, something came up. She knew that all three of them could run and as long as Ash could lead them out, they would have no problem following her. So, she whispered loudly, “Okay. I’m going to throw this fish to that bear across the stream and that’s going to distract it for a while. And because of the stream it would take a while for the bear to cross it, if it were to follow us. I need all three of you to just run for your life and follow me okay? On the count of three okay… One… two… Three!” Ash threw the fish across the stream and none of them even looked back. Ash quickly got in front of the group and led them through the woods. They continued to run for about good ten minutes and Ash looked back as she slowed down and figured they were safe as she didn’t hear any movement or a bear chasing after us.

“I think we’re good,” Ash said panting and slowing down to a jog.

“YOU THINK?!” Syd questioned as she got ahead of the group.

“Haha Syd, we would have seen that bear by now if we slowed down. Thanks to your fish,” Ash assured her.

With that, the four of them caught their breath and looked at each other. There was a moment of silence and all four of them just cracked up. It was just too good to be true. Pinoe was still holding her phone that was recording, Whit was all wet from running with the bucket full of water and three fish they caught, and Syd was just lost.

“Damn, Whit. You ran with that shit? Shit, I’m mad impressed,” Pinoe said.

“I wasn’t about to give up dinner,” Whitney replied.

They all laughed and fast walked back to the cabin, occasionally looking behind their shoulders. They reached the cabin and Al was there to greet them.

“Okay, I think I get to take a shower first because without me, we wouldn’t have dinner,” and before anyone could say anything, Whit was already on her way into the bathroom. While Pinoe and Syd sat in the back porch –of course staying very close to the door so that if there was another bear, they could just run in— Ash started to gut the fish. She asked if anyone wanted to give it a try but all she got was a disgusted face.

“Haha we probably wouldn’t be eating these if they were gutting them I guess,” Ash said as she talked to herself.

Dinner was fabulous. Ash got the stove grill going and she baked the fish with lemon, garlic, and fresh herbs from the back woods. The four of them gathered around the table and enjoyed their meal talking about their eventful day.

“Haha. Wow, who would have known…” Ash said as she shook her head in disbelief. “I called Jerry to tell him what happened and called us idiots. Apparently that’s close to where the bear den is hahaha I guess I won’t be going there for fishing.” They all laughed and even though it was a very dangerous moment, it was going to be a story they tell everyone.

“Oh my gosh, Pinoe. The video!” Whit reminded.

“OH YEAH!” Pinoe quickly got her phone out and everyone huddled around Pinoe.

The video started with Pinoe recording Ash trying to get Syd to kiss the fish. “Haha what a dumbass. She’s so naïve for someone who acts all sassy and is so sharp on the field,” Pinoe comment in the background. That got her a slap on her arm from Syd. “Ouch! That hurts!”

And there it was the roar and the slow redirectioning of the camera towards the sound. “Holy fuck… Is this real life…?” Pinoe whispered in the video. They paused the video to take a better look at the bear and it was HUGE. They all gasped and just couldn’t believe that it was that big and that close. Pinoe pressed play again.

Ash was now telling them the plan and the moment Ash said, “THREE!” Everyone except Syd laughed. They were all cracking up and tears were rolling down their faces and Ash and Whit were on the ground laughing with their hands over their tummies. What had happened was that in the video as Ash was about to throw the fish towards the bear, Syd that pulled the fish toward her, gave it a quick kiss even in the midst of everything before Ash threw it toward the bear.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can’t BELIEVE that you actually still kissed the fish!” Pinoe managed to say between her laughs.

“WHAT?! You guys said it was bad luck!” Syd said innocently.

They call gathered themselves and just laughed. It was such a Syd thing to do.

“Megan, send me that video, I’m going to post it on my Facebook or something or mass email it to everyone. Goodness sakes, that is the most hilarious thing ever Syd!” Whit said.

They all settled down and helped Ash clean up. It was getting late and the three of them were heading out early tomorrow so they figured they should get to bed soon. It must have been the stress and all the nervousness from the big event for the two city girls. Syd and Pinoe zonked out with Al next to them. They just looked like kids. Lost in their dreams. Ash went to make herself and Whit a hot cup of tea and they settled on the couch. Surrounded by the warmth of the fireplace and the warmth of company, they basked in the moment.

It had been a really long time since her and Whit got the chance to catch up like this and Whit had read her mind. “Wow, it’s been so long since we’ve gotten to do this.”

“Yeah… It sure has,” Ash replied as she smiled at her best friend. “So, how are you doing?”

“Minus the fact that I miss my best friend? I’m actually not doing too bad. Been really busy setting up my soccer camp, training for the next season, but for once, I’m busy and happy. How about you? I mean you sure are enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, it’s good. I’m finally feeling like myself again. I mean I miss you guys and I won’t lie, I sometimes think that I would like to go back but that’s just a split second kind of thought. There are things I still don’t know about. You know, right?” Whit nodded. Of course, she knew. How could she not? “I’m happy. I really am. I have Jerry and Al and you guys and everyone else. It’s just that I get so caught up living this life I forget about everything haha… It’s like being a writer except, I’m a carpenter,” Ash said.

There was something in the way Ash said that made Whit realize how much Ash had changed over the past five years. How much Ash had gotten to find herself. “Well, it wouldn’t hurt to have you come visit us once in awhile. You know? The team is actually going to be in Florida this Christmas and I know you’re going to be at your mom’s so you should come.”

“Yeah, that would be nice. I can’t wait to see Jesse! Wait, is Abby retiring?” Ash asked.

“Don’t even mention it. Sarah is always telling Abby to retire since the leg injury but I mean how can you ask someone who’s 38 and still fitter than the new kids to retire? It’s almost like she’s a machine. But yeah and, Jesse often asks where the tattooed aunt is,” Whit laughed, “You left quite and impression. Especially last Halloween, he found a permanent marker and “tattooed” himself. I think I have a picture.” Whit got her phone out and it was a picture of Sarah, Abby, Jesse, and of course the dogs.

“Haha that’s cute! No wonder… I remember Sarah sent me a text with an attachment but of course as you can see,” Ash pulled out her analog black and white Nokia phone, “I don’t get those.”

“Holy shit!? You really live in the stone age don’t you?! Haha And she said?”

“She said if I hadn’t chosen to live the cabin life for a change it better have been for this because she couldn’t’ get _it_ off,” Ash said as she laughed.

“Haha yeah well, she misses you. That’s for sure. We miss you,” Whit said rather quietly.

“I think I finally found something I want to do. Like, I found something that sparks again. But, I’m scared that I’m going to wake up tomorrow and I’ll be back to square one and I’ll be lost again… That’s why I don’t want to leave. I’m just trying to keep the spark alive…” Ash let it out.

“Ash, that’s the thing. If you really found that thing, whether you are there or not, whether you keep it close or far, it’ll stay alive. If it was meant to be, it’ll still be there when you come back to it. So, you’ll never know unless you test the water. And, if it isn’t there then that just means that there is something better and bigger for you. So, don’t be scared when you have all of us here for you, okay?” Whit assured.

“Man… I missed you,” were the only words that came out as a response as Ash hugged her best friend.

 

The next morning…

“Okay, promise you’ll keep in touch and we’ll see you during Christmas?” Pinoe asked as she stood in front of the car.

“I promise. I’ll be there,” Ash replied as she hugged Syd.

“And you handsome, you keep mommy safe and I’ll see you soon too. Don’t you go find yourself another lady replacing me, yeah?” Pinoe said as she got down to Al’s eye-level and gave him a face rub and a kiss.

“MEGAN! I swear you spoil the crap out of him! No wonder he never listens to me when you’re here!” Ash yelled at Pinoe as she caught her slip Al another treat.

“Whatever. Anyway, take care and if you ever need anything. Be sure to call okay?” Pinoe said, this time in a much serious note.

“I will,” Ash replied and Pinoe and Syd got in the car.

“Hey, best friend,” Ash said as she approached Whit.

“Ash, I mean it. Don’t be stubborn and reach out a little will you?” Whit almost begged.

“I will. I think the two days you guys were here gave me something to think about,” that brought a look onto Whit’s face. “Haha no, it’s a good thing. Don’t worry and what do you have to worry when I have your phone number memorized right here?” Ash said as she pointed to her head and smiled.

“Yeah… only if you can find a damn phone within the 50 mile radius to call mw,” Whit joked back. “And Ash?”

“Yeah?”

“Never mind… Love you and take care okay?”

“I will. Love you too.” They shared a hug and Whit got in the car.

As Ash heard the car engine start, she saw the backlights come off, and watched the car drive away. And, when Ash walked into her house, for the first time in five years it felt empty and the peace and tranquility didn’t seem so comforting.

That night it happened again… The warmth, the shattering, the pain, the red, her plead: “Just go. Please.” She woke up covered in sweats, with a frightened Al next to her licking her face. She saw fear and worry in his eyes. He may be just a dog, some might say, but he was the only part of the past that she couldn’t remember that she remembered.

The next two months went by fast. Everyday was the same. Christmas was approaching and the snow that was piling out the cabin was making her think more. Perhaps it really was the trip that Pinoe, Sydney, and Whit had made two months ago but there was something she needed to do. And, after long time thinking, she knew Whit was right. Ash knew that if she really thought that this spark was what she had been looking for, whatever she does will not change it. This peace and comfort that she found will always be there if she was really where she thought she. It was time for her to move on. “You ready to do this?” Ashlyn whispered to Al who was fast asleep next to her on the bed.

The next day she made her way to Jerry’s. “Hey!” Jerry greeted.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Ash asked as she stomped her boots that were covered in snow.

“Um, a little surprised since I saw you yesterday and I haven’t seen you two days in a row for a very long time,” Jerry joked. “What can I get you?”

“Actually, I was wondering if you can do me a favor?” Ask asked carefully.

“Sure, what? You need more fire wood?” Jerry asked.

“Actually, I need you to take some in the back yard,” said with slight cringe on her face with her teeth showing and her jaws clentched.

“Huh? What are you talking about…” And the wheels were turning. “No way!? Ashlyn Michelle Harris is finally leaving?!” In any other scenario people would be upset but it was different. Jerry had come around the counter in no time and was engulfing Ashlyn in a big bear hug. “Never thought this day would come! Of course, yes! I will take ALL the fire wood. Wait, should I just knock down the whole cabin and use that as fire wood too so you won’t change your mind?” Jerry joked.

That got a laugh and a light slap on Jerry’s back as they remained in the hug. “And, also if you would drive Al and me to the airport too?” Ash asked.

“Of course. When?” he smiled.

“Tomorrow…?” Ash replied.

“Wow. You weren’t kidding. Haha. Of course. I hope you don’t take it the wrong way. I’m going to miss having you but at the same time, I’m so glad you’re moving on,” Jerry was being sincere and that moment, Ash realized how blessed and lucky she was to have people all around her care about her so much.

“ I know. I’ll be back,” Ash replied.

“You’ll be back to VISIT,” Jerry added. They laughed and agreed to meet up in front of her cabin tomorrow morning.

“Thanks Jerry. I really appreciate it. And, don’t forget to mail the coffee table, okay? Also, if you go inside the cabin in my workshop there is something for you on the table,” Ash told Jerry as she got her luggage, Al, and his cage off the truck.

“I got it. Don’t worry. You make it sound like I’ve never taken care of your cabin. I’m kind of offended. Just because you were there for the past five years doesn’t mean—”

Before he could finish it Ash pulled him into a hug, “Thank you. I honestly don’t think I would’ve made it through without you the past five years. You were and still are the only person who treats me the same. And, you’re the only person I remember being the same after everything. Really, thanks.” Ash was really trying hard to hold back her tears. Over the past five years, especially, Jerry became her friend, brother, and most importantly the one constant factor that she could connect to as her past, present, and now the future.

“You’re my summer buddy and now, my all year around buddy,” Jerry joked. “You got this Ash. Some people take longer than others and that’s not a bad thing. You can’t measure progress by how long it took but by how much you’ve achieved. And you, I don’t think I would have been able to do what you did. You’re family,” Jerry said as he hugged her tighter.

“Gosh, you’re going to make me cry. Get going you jerk,” Ash said as she sniffled and smiled.

“Mkay, let me know that you arrived safely okay?” And he got down to his one knee and rough handled Al, “And you keep being her guardian, okay?” And kissed Al’s head.

Ash watched as Jerry got back into his truck and waved as he drove off. That was it. This was what she decided and she was going back. She was going _home_.

 

On his way home, Jerry dropped by the post office to mail the coffee table. Ash had already did all the paper work and packing so all he had to do was drop it off. The town was small enough and when Jerry walked in with the box, Dan greeted him and they made conversation.

“So what’s that?”

“Harris’” he replied.

“Haha Still running errands for her?” Dan commented as he measure the box and weighed it.

“Well, last one. She left,” Jerry said with a smile.

“Oh yeah? She did?” Dan stopped what he was doing and looked at Jerry for confirmation. Jerry nodded and Dan perked his lips and nodded and said, “Good for her. Good for her.”

After the trip to the post office, Jerry drove up to the cabin. He needed to make sure the electricity and the water pipes were off because it can very well freeze and burst the pipes. As he did that, he remembered that Ashlyn said that she had left something for him. So he walked into Ashlyn’s workshop and everything was put away. On the table was a small white envelope. _That fucker better have not have left me with money_ Jerry thought to himself. He opened the envelope and found a letter and a check.

“No you didn’t…” Jerry said out loud this time. He opened the letter first.

 

_Dear Jerry,_

_You know what the weird thing is? While I have been here for five years, I think I’ve actually spent more time and saw you more often over the twenty five years that I have visited during the summers and winters. That’s really sad. I know you’re REALLY REALLY REALLY sad from the way you reacted when I told you that I was heading out the other day but take care of the cabin for me? I know it’s not much but yeah, it’s my humble offer. Love you like a bro and I promise, I’ll keep in touch. It wouldn’t hurt for someone with millions and millions of dollars to come visit either… Just saying._

_Love,_

_AH_

“You’re so dead Harris,” Jerry was actually slightly offended that Ash thought that she had to leave something in return for what he did and does. He then took out the check in the envelope and looked at the amount: _$5,000_. When we saw the check he was livid and he took his phone out and dialed Ash’s number and then he realized that she wouldn’t be able to answer because she was on the plane. Then he looked at the remarks section: _Thank Jerry. See back._

_That’s weird_ he thought and after few seconds he turned the check and it read.

 

_Haha you really thought I would leave you money? Fuck, I wish I had five grands to just spare. I’m sure you were so caught up you didn’t even see the VOID stamp on the check. Anyway, your real present is in the far corner. Hope you like it!_

 

He just smiled and shook his head. He knew Ash knew him. He slowly walked over to the corner and there was something under the cloth and a little note that read _Take it off_. He grabbed the white cloth and yanked it off and there it was: a rocking chair. An Ash like present. It was very nicely carved and something caught his eyes. It was the header of the chair’s back that caught his eyes. It was so well carved that at first he thought it was just a random design but it was a detailed version of the Marksons’ old farm, the river their families used to go fishing together, the waterfall they used to go climb and jump off, the family boat on the lake, Jerry’s old mustang, his high school and college basketball jersey numbers, his first job title as the “Junior BJ” AKA his mistakenly printed title on his name card, his first apartment he bought in Boston, and of course in the center of the backboard was Jerry’s Corner Store with his current truck parked outside. “You mother fucker,” Jerry said with a big smile as he ran his fingers over the carvings. He once told her when they were younger that he wished there was one thing that could remind him of all the important things like that water bowl of memories Dumbledore had. Ash and Chris made fun of him for being so sentimental and making a Harry Potter reference.

Ashlyn got on her flight down to Florida and before she knew it, they had landed. The warm air that hit her face instantly made her recognize what she had been missing: home. She went to baggage claim to pick up her bag and Al in his cage. She was worried that he was going to get sick on the flight so she gave him some tranquilizer for him to sleep for the duration of the flight; he was still zonked out. As she placed his cage on a cart and pushed it out, she saw three familiar faces: her mom, Chris, and her grandma. Before she could even make her way over, they came rushing and trapped her in a big family hug.

“You’re back for sure, right?” Ashlyn’s mom said with tears in her eyes.

Ash nodded, “Well, it’s good to have my girl back,” Ash’s grandma said as she gave the girl a kiss.

“Yeah about time, baby Harris. Now, I don’t have to pretend like I talked to you on the phone every week so that mom won’t feel like she has to see you every weekend up in the cabin,” Chris said as he roughed his sister’s hair.

This got a look from their mother whose jaws were dropped, “Oops,” Chris said with a shrug and a smile.

“Haha it’s so good to be back.”

“Aw, and you little pup… Oh my, he’s not a pup anymore,” Grams said.

“Grams! You saw him last Christmas and he was this big then!” Ash said between laughs.

“Maybe I’m just shrinking!” Grams replied and the four of them got on their way to the car and drove home.

If anything, home was another thing that stayed the same. Her room remained untouched. She could tell that her Gram made sure the room stayed the same and it was really well-kept. Little did Ash know that her Grams always kept the room as if Ash would come back home that day. That’s how much they wanted her to back. After they settled in and caught up on what cabin life, they were constantly laughing at Al going nuts smelling everything around the house. He did it every time they made the trip out. It took a while for him to always get accustomed to city life. They were all laughing when the house phone rang.

“Hello?” Grams answered, “Oh my goodness! How are you darling? Oh yeah, sure. Please do. I don’t mind at all. You should even drop by. Mkay. Sounds good.”

Everyone’s attention was at Gram. She was way to excited for the call. “Oh yes she is. Here Ash it’s for you,” she said as she handed Ash the phone.

“Hel—”

“WHAT PART OF GIVE ME A CALL DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?! YOU’RE A BITCH AND A HALF! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD AND CALLED JERRY AND HE SAID…” Whit was furious but this only got a good laugh out of Ash and Chris who was close enough to hear all this.

“Whit I was going to tell you! Geez, I literally just got here man, give me some air!” Ash said as she laughed.

“Well, I don’t care but you’re lucky we just flew in yesterday too because if you had been here longer and didn’t call, I would have really done something about that,” Ash could see the Whit pout through the phone. “In that case this is your payment. You’re coming to see us today. We’re just by the old stadium by Park Street and we’re actually done with team stuff in three hours so you’re coming.”

“But I just got here and I haven’t even—”

“I even got Grams’ permission and she said ‘please do.’ I also already told the girls that you’re coming so you have to. Be there by five.”

Ash knew it wasn’t up for debate and her Grams was already giving her the look, “Okay. I’ll be there.”

And in the background Ash could hear Pinoe yell, “DON’T FORGET TO BRING MY BEAU WITH YOU!!!”

“You heard her, bring Al too! Anyway got to go, see you soon!” Whit said as she quickly hung up the phone.

Ash laughed and hung up, “So, I guess I’m going out already. Chris, can you give us a ride?” Ash asked.

“We? You’re going to take this cutie with you?! Man!!!” Chris joked as he was on the floor in the living playing tug-of-war with Al and his toy. “Yeah, of course. By Park Street right?”

“Yup.”

It was almost 5 o’clock, so they got in the car and Chris drove them to the stadium. It was rare for Al to get to sit in the front seat and stick his head out the window. He was definitely enjoying and Ash and Chris just chuckled at the scene. They drove into the parking lot of the stadium and Ash carefully checked to make sure the Al was on his leash. “Thanks Chris.”

“No problem,” Chris replied. Ash got out of the car and as Chris was about to drive away, he yelled out, “By the way, you don’t have a curfew so don’t think about coming home too soon!”

“You’re a dick,” Ash yelled out as he drove off. The weather was nice and the sun was setting. It was definitely a nice evening. It had been a really long time since she got to see everyone all at once and she was being inundated by all these different feelings; Ash was nervous and excited all at once.

As Ash and Al slowly made their way to the entrance –where she told Whit she would be waiting since Al can’t go inside the stadium— she was suddenly got yanked the other direction by Al. Al was pulling her the other direction and was using all his strength to make his way to a car. Ash gave in and went with him, “Geez buddy, what is it that you se— Ah, no wonder.” Ash said as she laughed. There was an empty McDonald’s bag in the passenger seat and she noticed that the front window was rolled down.

“Wow, wow, wow. Calm down. I got your food here in the bag,” Ash said as she tapped her backpack. She somehow managed to redirect Al’s attention and pulled him away to get to the gate.

About ten minutes later, she heard noises and the two peope she saw were Whit and Pinoe. For the moment, Ash was so excited she let her leash go and Al started running towards Whit and Pinoe.

Of course, Pinoe had her arms out waiting for Al to jump on her and Ash who knew this was going to happen just let him go as soon as she noticed that he wasn’t going anywhere else but towards them. As Al ran faster towards Pinoe, she planted herself to the ground and was getting ready for the contact. However, the unexpected happened. Al ran passed Pinoe and into the stadium. And with that unexpected run, Ash, Whit, and Pinoe both ran after him into the stadium.

Al was a German Pointer and he could run. So, it took a while for the three of them to get to him, running passed the other girls who were on their way out. They were all laughing at the scene because it was such an Ash, Pinoe, and Whit kind of thing: chasing each other or something. As the three of them chased after Al, they were stopped only to see that Al was no longer running. He was jumping all over this one person. He was licking her, kissing her, rubbing against her.

“I know, I know. You’re such a big boy now! I missed you too,” the girl talked to him in a quiet baby voice as she got down to her knees, getting a big smooch from him. She didn’t realize the three were standing there nor did she process that if Al was there that Ash was there too.

“Hey sorry about that Ali,” was what made her look up.

“Ash,” Ali said with a smile, “Should have known that you were here when I saw him but he was just so busy running at me.”

“Haha sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He just ran passed Pinoe here which is very rare…” Ash said laughing and pointed her thumb towards Pinoe.

“Here, take this,” Ash said as she handed Ali a napkin from her back pocket so she could wipe off Al’s smooches. However, Ali lifted her hand and motioned that it was not necessary.

“Mhmm,” Pinoe commentated as she gave Whit and Ali a look.

Ash didn’t catch it and there was a sudden moment of silence but it wasn’t long before Ash started talking, “Anyway, how’ve you been? These kids visit once in a blue moon and they’re so busy talking about themselves, they never mention anyone else.”

It was a simple question with so much weight. Ali just looked down at her feet, picked up her sports bag, took a big breath, put on a smile, and replied, “Good, and you’re back from the cabin life I hear?” Everyone laughed at Ali’s reply but Ash’s was the only one that sounded genuinely humored.

“Yeah,” Ash chuckled and answered as she was still trying to get Al off of Ali. _Geez buddy, get that you like pretty women but… What’s with you dude?_ She thought to herself. He was being so aggressively friendly. As if he had been yearning to see her…


	3. Are You Still Hurting?

 

“Actually, you want to join us?” Pinoe carefully asked.

Ali was slow with her response and Ash could tell that she was hesitant. “Yeah, Ali. Join us,” Ash said with a smile, still trying to manage Al to calm down.

“We can definitely use a ride too. I told coach that we won’t be getting on the bus…Oops,” Whit said to lighten up the mood.

The team had the next two days off so Ali had asked her mother to drop the car and the car key at the stadium so that she could just go spend the two days at her mom’s. This was not planned, the dinner or seeing Ash. Ali looked at Whit and Ash and they both nodded. “Sure, why not. I really should be used to getting ‘used’ like this,” Ali joked back.

That made everyone laugh and as they walked out of the stadium, Al was being too much to handle for Ash so she just decided to let Ali take the leash and surprisingly, that was all Ash needed to do for him to settle down. They walked towards Ali’s car and this got Ash to laugh.

“This is your car?” Ash asked in disbelief. “Al, you’re impossible. Recognizing the lady’s car before you’ve even seen her,” she said as she looked down on Al.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Pinoe asked all confused.

“Nothing,” Ash slipped a laugh, “We were walking over to the gate and he was just all over this car. Ali, you should really try not to leave your window down and leave a bag of McDs in the front seat or you’re going to be attracting all the neighborhood dogs to your car.” While Ash finished, everyone just stood still. The three knew that it wasn’t the window nor the leftover food but they just left it slip because it was Ash. Because it was no use trying to cut water: that was just a useless effort.

Ali unlocked her car and as she opened her door and was about to hand the leash over to Ash, Al took that opportunity to quickly make himself comfortable in the passenger seat. Ash had just never seen him misbehave in the most behaved way possible if that made sense. The dog loved sitting in the front but he had never tried to stray away from her. They were buddies, always attached to the hip. With Al’s every action, there was a sense of repetition. _Strange_ Ash thought but she didn’t really read into it as he did get a little off when he was around new people and surroundings.

The four of them figured that the best place to go is Marty’s Burger as it was pet friendly and they have all been there before, especially Ash; Marty was one of her mother’s high school “beaux” and he has been an uncle to her growing. Not to mention that, she hadn’t seen him in ages. Ali parked her car and they all headed towards Marty’s. And before the group could process that they were walking into Marty’s, Ash was snatched to the side.

“IS IT REALLY YOU?!” And the familiar voice was heartwarming. It was Marty.

“Uncle M! Gosh, it’s so good to see you!”

“Yeah, tell me about it girl,” he still had her engulfed in a hug, “I hope you haven’t been in town for a while before you dropped by to say hi,” Marty said with his one eyebrow up.

“Of course not! I actually just got here this morning. And you know these two, they couldn’t wait to be graced by my presence,” Ash said laughing.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Stone Ager got some jokes,” Pinoe said as she hugged Marty.

By the time Marty came to hug Ali, he had a puppy face smile and just held his arms out for Ali to come to him. Ali smiled and held him tight. “Hi Marty.”

Quietly but loud enough for Ash to hear, Marty whispered, “Gosh, I don’t think I’ve seen you as long I haven’t seen her. We missed you.”

Ali closed her eyes tightly… just in case. They then pulled apart and Ali gave him a knowing look and a smile.

“All right so what do you guys want? It’s on the house!” Marty said.

“Nahhhh, it’s fine. Plus, you know how much these kids can eat,” Ash replied.

“Shhhhhhh! If he says he is, then let him. Look around, business is good Ash!” Pinoe said with a thick face. This got everyone to laugh.

“Yeah Ash, I’m kind of offended that you indirectly said business is bad…” Marty pretended to be hurt but he soon replaced the pout with a smile. “Plus, you can use a good burger after that… pioneer life you’ve lived.”

“Hahaha yeah Ash!” Whit said as she looked through the menu.

In that moment, everything was _back_ to normal. The bantering, the laughs, the smiles, the familiarity, and the moment were just… normal. Then, Ali’s train of thought was brought to an end.

“What do you want Ali?” Ash asked.

“Um…”

“I’m getting the double Swiss cheese with bacon, MORE CHEESE –psh Uncle M, extra cheddar— grilled onions and jalapeños, and barbeque sauceeee please!” Ash blurted out.

Marty just laughed. He didn’t even have to write it down. That was what she always got. “Seriously… How did you manage to live in VT all this time? That is NOT a burger,” Whit commented at her ridiculous order.

“Let her be,” Marty said, “And, I’m assuming all the same minus the double and extra cheese and barbeque sauce on the side?” Marty asked.

“Like always,” Ali nodded.

While they waited for their orders to come, the girls caught up. Pinoe’s wedding plans were finally coming together and her and Walsh talked about the flowers and they decided to compromise and just mix all those colors together and bleach the white flowers. This got a look from Ash but when she saw the pictures of the sample flowers, they were actually very nice. It was a nice brown that looked like a very, very, very, milky cup of coffee. Syd actually couldn’t make it to camp because she had to be with the Reign with their winter team bonding session. It was part of Syd’s team bonding idea and the national team understood that this was something Syd had to do and respected her decision. Whit was apparently “seeing” someone who she met at the gym and he just happened to be their old college buddy. According to Whit, “he bulked up and grew some hair.”

When it came around to talk about Ali Whit and Pinoe just waited for the awkward moment to start. “So, how’ve you been Ali? I know you said good but I’m sure that doesn’t quite sum up the past five years, right?” Ash said.

No it didn’t. Nothing would sum up what the past five years had been like for her.

Ali had to put a face on and pretend. That moment, Al had gotten up from his nap and rested his head on Ali’s lap. She rubbed the back of his ear. “I mean, it’s been busy. Just trying to focus on soccer you know? I’m not getting any younger so been trying to keep up with the young kids.”

Ash smiled and nodded. “ I bet. You look good though. And you haven’t done much with that pottery hobby of yours?” Ash asked.

“Whaaaaat? Krieger! Didn’t know you did pottery!” Pinoe said.

“Yeah! Wait, is that what they are? The mugs at your house?” Whit asked.

Ali was confused. _How could one’s memory be such a puzzle piece?_ Ali thought. She didn’t want Pinoe or Whit to notice so she just pursed her lips and shrugged. “I don’t know, haven’t been able to do much but one day maybe?”

It was strange but Ash remembered that Ali once told her that she wanted to open a pottery store. It was one of those hazy memories she couldn’t recall when or how they had the conversation but she knew for a fact.

The rest of dinner went well. It was good to catch up and just to be _back_ for Ashlyn. As they wrapped up dinner at Marty’s and Ash thanked him for the meal, Pinoe and Whit urged Ash to drop by the hotel to say hi to the group since they were so busy with chasing Al earlier. Ash agreed and they headed to the hotel.

Because of Al, Ash couldn’t really go into the hotel so the plan was to meet up in the small park right next to the hotel. As they pulled into the parking lot, they could already see the group of girls sitting out on the grass. With the addition of children, it seemed like they were already out on the grass playing with the kids. The four of them got out along with Al. Al wasn’t on his leash anymore as Ash figured from the way he had been acting around Ali, he wouldn’t be even a meter away from the girl.

As they approached the crowd on the grass she heard another familiar voice. “TATTOO ASH!”

It was Jesse. He came running to Ash as he held on to his soccer ball. This caught the rest of the crowd’s attention. Ash got down to her knees and was ready to pick the running kid. And, of course, just then, Al got more excited that he ran towards Jesse and knocked him down. Al’s intentions were all good because immediately after Jesse was on the ground, Al started licking him and nudging him. And, if it was any other kid, the kid would have started crying but Jesse just laughed along. Trying to avoid Al’s kisses.

“Staaaaph! Hahaha You’re tickling me!” Jesse shouted as he tried to avoid Al’s kisses.

Ash was there in no time to pick the kid up. “Gosh, who are you?! What happened to baby Jesse?! You’re so big now!”

“I missed you Ash,” The boy said in the sweetest voice possible and wrapped his arms around Ash’s neck.

It was something about his small arms wrapped so tightly around her neck, she just wanted to hold him forever. The comfort and the sincerity behind his words were indescribable.

“I missed you too buddy. So much,” Ash whispered into the kid’s ear.

While the moment was very sweet and touching, it didn’t last long as he started yapping away. “Ash, you should talk to mom and ma. They won’t let me get those like you!” He said with a pout as he pointed to her arm.

“Yeah I wonder why?” Sarah said as she started walking over towards the two to give Ash a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

“It’s good to be here. And, no?” Ash said as she turned to Jesse. “That’s too bad. I mean maybe you and I can go get one next time we hang out without mom and ma?” Ash said.

“You better not give him f-u-c-k-i-n-g ideas like that. He thinks we’ll just cave in eventually,” Abby warned Ash as she followed behind Sarah to give Ash a hug.

“Haha whatever,” Ash replied.

“Also, can we have a secret language too Ash? Mom and ma always does that thing and like speak weird things so I won’t understand,” Jesse said with a pout.

This made everyone laugh. Ash nodded and they walked towards the middle of the grass where everyone else was. Alex, Tobin, Cheney and her little girl, and Kelley were all there. Time went by so fast as they all caught up. Bantering, talking about soccer, making fun of Kelley and her actual pet squirrel. It was really like old times. Jesse then grabbed Ash by her hand and pulled her up. “Com’on Ash!”

Ash had no idea what he was up to but she got up and followed the little fellow to join Tobin and Pinoe with Cheney’s girl, Mel. And as soon as Ash left everyone else’s eyes were on Ali. Ali realized the eyes on her.

“What?” She asked, trying to play dumb.

“You doing okay?” Abby carefully asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine…” There was a sense of desperation for answers in her reply. She sighed. “I don’t know whether I’m relieved that she is doing well and she actually forgot and is moving on like what we’ve all wanted or if I’m worried that she’s going to remember and just push all of us away… again.”

“Ali, stop. Everything happened so fast. Nothing was your fault. It just happened,” Cheney comforted her. “If her family just wanted to leave her be with her progress then, that’s that.”

“It’s like trying to explain what mommy and ma were doing in bed to Jesse,” Pinoe said thoughtlessly.

Sarah gave her a slap across her arm, “We’re being serious Megan.”

“I know and that’s the truth though. Try explaining to her that whatever she knows isn’t everything. I mean, how do you do that?” Pinoe had a point.

“I’m just scared that something might trigger her to remember things she has forgotten. That’s what the doctor said wasn’t it? I mean that’s why we figured _that_ would be the best thing for her right?” And as if he knew she needed the comfort, Al sat up and started licking Ali’s face. She just quietly let him while petting him.

It was almost 8:30 PM and it was already way past the kids’ bedtime. Sarah had already taken Jesse upstairs even though he didn’t want to leave Ash. Only after Ash promised that they would hangout tomorrow did he go up with Sarah. Cheney hugged Ash and said they would also be there tomorrow along with Abby and Sarah. As everyone started to head back to their rooms it was just the original four on the grass.

“Well so... We should probably head back right?” Ash said as she saw a very tired Al lying next to her.

“You guys walking home?” Whit asked.

“Yeah, it isn’t that far and it’s nice out anyway,” Ash said as she got up and brushed off the grass on her pants.

“Okay, sounds good. We’ll see you tomorrow then,” Pinoe said.

Soon, they were all getting up and Pinoe and Whit walked back to the hotel while Ali and Ash walked out.

“Okay well, I’ll see you tomorrow too?” Ash said as Ali walked toward her car to drive back to her mom’s.

“Um…”

“Com’on Alex. You’ve been hesitant all evening. Just come. This guy would definitely like it. I’m actually asking on behalf of him, you know?” Ash joked as she pointed down to Al.

 _She called me Alex_. _False hope. False alarm._ Ali told herself. “Yeah, sure. I’ll meet you guys there.”

“Cool,” Ash smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Oh, Ali?”

“Yeah?”

“Drive safe,” Ash said as she turned and started walking away with Al.

And, even though it was very faint, Ali heard it. Ali heard Ash say, “Com’on Al, time is money, money is time. Let’s get going.”

 _Gosh…_ Ali said as she got into her car…

 

_Flash Back_

_“ALI! YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR YOUR DATE!” Ash yelled from down the hall._

_I’m almost done! Ali yelled back from her room. She had a date with one of the guys she met at the bar few days ago. He seemed like a very nice guy; it was also because he was “Ash approved.” He was one of Chris’s friends from college._

_“You seriously have a problem! What’s so hard about putting on a dress and putting make up on for two hours?!” Ashlyn shouted._

_“SHUT UP!” Ali yelled as she was trying to put on her heels and her earrings. “You don’t understand that this the first time I’m going out on a date date in a while!”_

_Ashy laughed. Ali always worried about the most unreasonable things. “You look just fineeeeee! If you didn’t sleep with your mouth and eye open and... Oh, and drool so much I would have asked you out on a date already,” Ashlyn teased her as she got done to pet Al next to her. “Right, buddy?”_

_“Yeah whatever. You know that your mommy is not even CLOSE to my type. I don’t do ‘sleeping around,’” Ali said as she winked down at Al. Al just looked up and tilted his head left and right._

_“Whatever. You would be coming back from more. Anyway, you look beautiful and I’m sure he will think so too. Taryn says good luck by the way,” Ash told Ali as she helped the girl put on her blazer._

_“Taryn is insane to think that you’re sane. She must really lo—” Ash put her finger to Ali’s mouth before she could finish it._

_“Uh no. Not letting that happen. It’s already rare enough that I’m in a ‘relationship’ with someone,” Ash said rolling her eyes and putting quotes around the words. “Nah, but really. She’s great. I really do like her .”_

_“Yeah okay, whatever,” Ali said as she fixed her dress one more time. “How do I—”_

_“For the 23472034892304 th time, you look great. Get going Alex! Time is money and money is time!” Ash said laughing and pushing Ali out the door._

_“You know that never makes no sesnse right? When are you ever going to learn that phrase will never catch on AND it’s not the right time to say that. I’m going—”_

_“Oh my goodness! Just go Ali!” Ash now pushed her out the door and closed the door._

Ali got home and she was now lying in bed. She thought, “Friends: that’s what were and we are now. Friends.”

The walk back for the duo was nice and chill. Ash could see how tired Al was. He was dragging his feet and he was beat. It had been a long day for the champ: traveling, dinner, the park, and now walking back home. She just looked down at him and shook her head. She knew that her Grams would be asleep by now so she got the extra set of keys hanging by the front porch light. As she opened the door, Al didn’t even make it far. He found his cage and went in and just passed out. Ash definitely knew that he was tired because he hated that thing but that was the most familiar place for him to go to.

Ash went into the kitchen to get a glass of water when she saw light shining from the living room. She poured herself a glass and walked into the living room to find Chris watching sports highlight.

“Hey kiddo. I said you didn’t have a curfew,” Chris told Ash as she gave him a face and made herself comfortable on the recliner.

“Yeah, well need to rest up for round two tomorrow, you know?” Ash said.

“Wow, yeah?” Chris was surprised.

“Yeah. Geez, you don’t have to be that obvious,” She laughed. “Meeting up with the girls on the team to chill by the beach.”

“That’s nice. I’m just surprised by the speed in which you’re ‘easing’ into this modern life you know?” Chris teased her. “So how was dinner?”

“Good, it was nice. Just Megan, Whit, and Ali,” Ash mindless replied as she focused on the highlights.

“Ali?” This got Chris’ attention.

“Yeah, why?”

“Uh… nothing just. Didn’t know you guys were close,” Chris replied carefully.

“I mean we played on the same team Chris. I hope we know each other,” Ash said as if it was ridiculous for him to be so doubtful.

“Yeah I guess. And it went well?”

“Yeah. It was good. And then I went back to the hotel to meet up with Sarah, Abby, Cheney, Tobin, and Alex. It was nice and gosh, Jesse is HUGE! So is Mel! Jesse is definitely going to be baseball player I can tell. And Mel’s going to be a basketball player. That girl has all of Jrue’s genes,” Ash said as she recalled the moment earlier that night of Mel bouncing the soccer ball and trying to make figure eights.

“That’s good. Bet it was good to see them,” Chris replied.

“It was. Just that… I can sense that they’re still treating me like I’m fragile. I really am not. I promise. I’m good Chris. I haven’t been better. I don’t mind them asking me about the accident. I mean, yeah I quit soccer but I wasn’t in a position to play soccer. I was broken but who wouldn’t be if they saw their life flash in front of them? I just needed a break and while I was taking that break, I just happened to have found something else and that’s that.”

Chris looked at her unconvinced. “I’m serious,” Ash chuckled and continued, “I even asked Grams if I can change the garage into my workshop. I really found something else. I thought it was something I could just take my mind off. And, it wasn’t like I went to VT to ditch soccer. I was thinking about coming back when I was ready but I just ended up really enjoying it. I mean it.” Ash confirmed Chris.

This time, Chris saw it. He saw the light in Ash’s eyes. It was for once pure. It was for once fear-free. It was for once calm and true. It had for once the same light he saw when she came up to him in the middle of the night when they were young and she said, “I think, no, I know I want to be a soccer player.” She was back.

“I believe you,” Chris smiled back. However, five years ago, everyone really thought she was done…

 

Flashback

 

_“Ash what do you mean you’re going to quit?!?! This is your life! You’re just caught in the moment and you’re just confused!” Chris tried to convince his sister as he followed after her._

_“My life?! Confused?! No Chris, it’s not. I fucked shit up and now we’re here. Six months later, I’m being called up to play for the national team, seeing the pinnacle of my soccer career, getting calls from sponsors and clubs, and literally living the life as the ‘rising star.’ But for what?! None of those were because I wanted to be good but because I had no choice but to keep myself busy! Because if I don’t keep myself busy, all I can hear is her voice! Her parents barging into my room calling me a murderer! You know what that feels like?!” Ashlyn raged back at her brother._

_Chris was quiet, “That’s what I thought. You don’t know.”_

_“Ash you did save someone. You didn’t walk away,” Chris quietly brought up._

_“I didn’t save her. She just turned out to be lucky…”_

She was a trooper… She was his sister and it killed him to watch her suffer like that. She was the victim of her own state but nobody knew how to tell her that when she had already convinced herself that she wasn’t worth the salvation. Chris didn’t know if he was grateful that she was doing better or in pain to think that the only solution to all this was for her to not remember…

The next morning, things were different. And Ash knew that it was different as she wasn’t the first one up and Al didn’t come up to wake her either. She picked up her watch and was surprised at first. _Shit… 10? Is my watch broken…?_ She had slept in and she couldn’t remember the last time she slept in this late. Even though she didn’t quite feel like she slept, she wasn’t tired either. There was much familiarity to the room and the walls were much brighter than the brown wooden walls back at the cabin. However, it was weird that Al hadn’t come up. So, Ash put on a shirt and made her way downstairs.

Of course, Grams was up and about and she was already busy in the kitchen. Ash stood by the door way and she smiled. She missed this, the smell of her Grams’ breakfast and just being a lazy and spoiled granddaughter. As her Grams turned around to check the oven, she was caught by surprised, “HOLY MOTHER OF MOSES! Ashlyn Harris are you trying to send me to the graves sooner!?”

“GEEZ Grams! How could you say that!?” Ash said with a frown as she walked over to Grams to give her a hug.

“I missed this,” Ash admitted to it.

“I missed _this_. You know how many times I asked your mom if we could go up and see you?” Grams said.

“I know I’m sorry. I just needed time and needed to know for sure before I came back.”

“And you know now?” Grams asked as she rubbed Ash’s back with her ting hands.

“Mhm, thanks to you and mom and Chris and everybody else being so patient with me. I’m the luckiest gal in the world,” Ash replied and Grams didn’t need to see Ash to know that the smile was there.

“Well, I’m glad darling. I’m just happy to have you.”

The two pulled away and Ash started looking around. “Oh don’t worry baby. Chris decided to take Al for a run and they’re dropping by the store to get some stuff for dinner tonight. He’s going to get the grill going I think,” Grams said.

“Oh yeah? Since when did he start running? That lazy ass never does that,” Ash said as she walked over to the dining table to get a pinch of the pancake on the tray.

“Five years ago since you left,” Grams replied. However, Grams realized that those words just slipped out of her mouth and there was a moment of silence and she slowly turned around to meet Ashlyn’s eyes.

“Haha Grams, it’s fine. I’m fine. You can talk about it in front of me. That’s why I’m back, because it doesn’t bother me anymore,” Ash assured her with a smile.

Soon Chris came back home with Al and sure was the boy happy to see Ash. He jumped all around her and was wagging his tail around. “Al! I swear if you get any of your dirty paw prints on my couch, I’ll be throwing ice at you!” Grams yelled from the kitchen.

Chris and Ash laughed. Breakfast was low key, as they all just sat around and let everyone know of their plans for the day. Ash mentioned that she was going to hangout with the girls and Grams decided to invite all of them for dinner and for some reason it seemed like Chris was well aware that this was going to happen and Ash’s jaws dropped when she went to help him unload the truck.

“Uh… we’re feeding an army?” Ash asked as she looked around at the 15 pounds of burger paddies, 15 pounds of hotdogs, and a crap load of buns and of course, the whole liquor store apparently all in Chris’ truck.

“Ash, your friends aren’t the only ones who are coming let alone can, eat. Jason, Terry, and Henry and his family are coming too. I figured Grams would invite your crew so I was just well prepare, right Al?” Chris said as he turned around and signaled Al for a high five.

“Yeah well…. That’s a lot of food,” Ash said very doubtfully as she helped hulled those in.

It was almost two when she headed out for the beach. She got Al on a leash and took off. Whit had called earlier that they were already at the beach –the kids “needed” to be let loose— and that she should just come by the Beach House. The walk wasn’t far but the sun was out and even though it was technically winter it was hot. As the two of them got closer to the beach, Ash could sense that Al was being very hesitant and this only made Ash laugh. Al had never been fond of the beach. It could have been since a jellyfish stung him that he refused to get close to the water. However, when they got to the Beach House and Ash saw Pinoe waving at her, Al was running at her at full speed only to realize that it wasn’t Pinoe he was running to. It was Ali.

 _What is wrong with him?_ Ash walked toward the group and Al was already all over Ali. “Ali, do you like rinse yourself with bacon water or something? I don’t get how he is like this with you. At this rate, he might as well be your dog!” Ash joked.

Ali just smiled and kept her eyes on Al. Jesse who was in the water saw Ash and he came running and Sarah didn’t realize that Ash was there so she also started chasing after Jesse.

“ASH!” Jesse yelled as he ran into Ash.

“Ewww! You’re all wet! Get off of me!” Ash detested jokingly while Jesse tried to get his wet hair all over her.

“Ash, this is your chance to make up for lost time. He’s all yours,” Sarah said as she sat next to Abby.

“Sure. I can be with his monster all day!” Ash said as she roughed his hair. “Where are Mel and Cheney?” Ash asked as she looked around.

“Oh, Jrue came and surprised them so they decided to take Mel to the zoo,” Whit replied.

“And you guys decided to bring this ball of energy to the beach instead?” Ash asked Abby and Sarah.

“Well, he was convinced that he was more likely to see a shark here than at a zoo. You know? I sometimes wonder if it’s ever possible that you could ne his sperm donor. Like honestly… Sharks? Really? I mean he wants to PET one…” Abby said as she shook her head and rolled her eyes. Everyone laughed.

For the rest of the afternoon, Ash was in charge of Jesse. She really hadn’t spent much time with him but she was always so thankful that Jesse remembered her. Abby and Sarah seemed like they could use some time alone so Ash told them that as long as they were okay and Jesse was okay, she would look after him; Abby and Sarah had no problem taking her up on the offer and Ash said they could even go out to dinner and come pick him up at her Grams since the rest were invited to dinner. Abby and Sarah were gone so quick that Pinoe said she saw smoke coming from their soles.

While Whit, Megan, and Ali were chilling by the Beach House, Ash decided to go “shark hunting” with Jesse. They went by the high rocks to see if they could spot any shark fins in the water from afar. Jesse was so intrigued that it amazed Ash to see how focused the kid could be. After an hour of “shark hunting,” she could tell that he was getting tired. Although Ash knew better than to spoil the kid, she saw the sleep in his eyes and picked him up.

Jesse didn’t physically fight, however, he said, “Ash, I can walk. Mom and Ma said I had to do things on my own.” But, his tiny arms were already around her neck. Ash chuckled.

“Yeah, well sometimes it’s okay to get a little help. Plus we won’t tell Mom and Ma, okay?” Ash told him.

“Ash?” The boy asked quietly.

“Mmmm?”

“Do you still have an ouchy?”

“Huh? An ouchy?” Ash had no idea what he was saying, especially with so much sleep in his voice.

“I asked Mom why I can’t see you and she said you had an ouchy to get better,” Jesse responded slowly drifting to sleep.

“Did she?”

“Mhm. She said I shouldn’t be sad if you don’t like me like before because sometimes people with really big ouchies need time to get better.”

Ash was trying really hard to hold her tears. This boy in her arms understood. The barely six-year-old boy was asked to understand why he couldn’t see her or why he was to accept and understand her story. Ash held him tighter while rubbing his back.

“Hey champ?”

“…Mmmm…hm”

Ash’s hand was cupping the back of his head now. “You never have to worry about that, okay? I’ll always love you. You’re my band aid to my ouchy.”

“Ash, you’re… being silly,” he giggled, “I… can’t… be a band aid… I’m Jes….” And like that, the boy fell asleep.

“No, you are my band aid little man,” Ashlyn whispered to him and kissed the boys head as they walked back to the Beach House.

“Wow, he’s knocked out, huh?” Pinoe said.

“Was he being good?” Ash asked Ali about Al.”

“Never better,” She said smiling.

“Well then you guys ready to head over? Grams isn’t going to take no for an answer.”

“Who said I’m not going?” Whit said with a “duh” face and a shrug.

“Yeah dude? I just need to excuse myself to skype with the Feee-yon-say,” Pinoe said.

“Are you going to be hesitant about it again and I’ll have to convince you to come?” Ash asked Ali.

“Yeah Ali just come with. Didn’t you say you’re by yourself anyway because Deb’s out with her friends?” Pinoe brought up.

“I guess…” Ali replied.

“Mkay well then lets get going. I’ll just carry him home since you guys don’t have a car seat for him do you?” Ash asked.

“Ash, it’s literally a five minute drive. He’ll be fin—”

Even before Pinoe could finish Ash cut her off, “No. I’ll see you guys there,” and Ash started walking. There was no way she was about to risk anything.

In the car, Pinoe got the cold shoulder until Whit finally said something, “You are literally the dumbest thing ever sometimes! Why would you even say that? You know how she is. She still doesn’t drive Megan,” Whit was definitely reprimanding.

“I mean it just slipped… And, it’s not like…” Pinoe dropped it. Ali on the other hand remained very quiet until they got to Ashlyn’s.

The three of them got there first and even before they got out of the car, Grams was there. It had been almost five years since she saw them. Since Ash decided to resort to the cabin life, there was no reason for anyone to come visit, especially for Ali. Grams hugged Whit and Pinoe first and when it was Ali’s turn, Grams just engulfed her and said, “You know you could have visited sooner, right?”

“I know, I’m so sorry. I just… Couldn’t find the courage to…” Ali replied as she held onto the older woman.

“Of course, of course. I’m glad you’re here though darling. I just hope you know that you have nothing to feel bad about. If it happened again, she would do the same thing. I know she would,” Grams assured Ali.

After the short exchange Grams realized that Ash wasn’t there, “So where is she?”

“She’s walking back with Jesse. You remember Abby and Sarah’s boy, right? Ash volunteered to babysit but there wasn’t a baby seat in the car so she decided to carry him home,” Whit told her. Grams understood and nodded.

About ten minutes later, Ash walked in with Jesse still asleep. She laid him on the couch and made sure that he was comfortable and made her way out to the backyard to join everyone. There was laughing and eating and drinking and just a joy. People were welcoming Ash back, putting their orders in for some good wood works as they knew Ash was planning on opening a workshop, and having a good time. It was the perfect December in Florida.

Few hours later Abby and Sarah arrived to pick Jesse up and from the way Sarah was talking and acting she was definitely tipsy; Abby also gave her the look every time she said, “I’m not tipsy.” It was evident that Jesse really didn’t want to go home as he was throwing a fit when Abby picked him up to leave.

“Baby, we have to go. We need to get you ready for bed,” Abby explained to him as she held him tightly so that he wouldn’t fall out from her arms.

“I don’t want to go! I want to be with Ash and Al! I don’t want to go back!!!” Jesse screamed and yelled. He was definitely throwing a tantrum and just when Abby had enough of his attitude and misbehavior Ash carefully interrupted.

“Abby, if it’s okay with you guys he can stay the night. I mean Sarah said you have some team stuff tomorrow. And, if he wants to then he can stay. I mean, I don’t want to like get in the middle of it—” Ash didn’t want to sound like she was getting in the middle of them trying to raise their son so she was very careful.

“Yeah Ma, can I stay here? Please? I’ll behave,” Jesse had his signature puppy face.

To be honest, Ash was very surprised with what Abby said next. “You sure you’re okay with that Ash? He can be a handful,” and with that, Ash knew that today was a much-needed break for Sarah and Abby.

Ash smiled, “Of course, I’m trying to make up for lost time remember?” Ash winked at Jesse and instantly the boy’s face lit up as he jumped out of his Abby’s arms and jumped on Ash.

“Yay! Thanks Ma!” He kissed Abby’s cheek.

“Jesse but we don’t have your stuff to sleep in and all,” Abby reminded him.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to find something for him to wear and tooth brush wise, we have kid toothbrushes at home. But, you’ll have to use adult toothpaste, can you do that?” Ash asked as she looked at him.

“YES! I’ve done it before! I’m a big boy now!” Jesse assured her as he pulled his sleeve and showed off his muscles.

“Haha… Mkay but I’m not going to come and drive here to pick you up in the middle of the night Jesse Huffman-Wambach if you miss us,” Abby warned him.

“I know! Duh!” Jesse replied.

“Wait, why do you have kid toothbrushes at home?” Abby asked curiously.

“Well, Grams keeps them to brush Al’s teeth…” Ash admitted as she rolled her eyes.

“Hahahaha! No way! Well thank goodness for that!” Abby exclaimed. As if the adult talk was getting boring Jesse got away from them and went to roll around in the living room with Al.

“Hey Ash, thanks. We really appreciate it…” Abby finally admitted, “It has been really hard. Like, Sarah and I just haven’t had time together and today was exactly what we needed and this…” Abby chuckled, “You thought I was going to say no huh? Haha.”

Ashlyn laughed, “I mean, the Abby I knew back in the days had no tolerance for s-h-i-t like that but I guess we all change,” Ash said.

“We sure do. And, you see? Things are getting so much better now that you’re back,” Abby said as she gave Ash a tap on her arms.

“Sureeeee, I’m just wondering what my life would be like if I lived any closer!” Ash joked.

About and hour later everyone was slowly heading out. Whit and Pinoe left with Sarah and Wambach. However, Ali stayed behind to help clean.

“Hey Ali, you don’t have to. We got this,” Ash told her as she picked up the plates.

“It’s fine. I mean, it’s not like I live far.”

“Thanks,” Ash said.

After they had picked up most of the garbage, Ali was getting ready to leave so Ash walked her out.

“Hey, I was wondering if you’re staying for the holidays here in Florida,” Ashlyn asked.

“Yeah, most likely. My brother is flying in too,” Ali replied as she grabbed her car door.

“Well then… Maybe you want to hangout? I mean, everyone is flying back home and I figured if you’re in town then that would be one more familiar face right?” Ash said.

Ali didn’t reply. “I mean if you don’t want to that’s fine I was—”

“No, that sounds great. I was just thinking that it’s been a really long time since we hung out, you know?” Ali confessed.

“No, you’re right it has been a while. And, I’m just trying to ease my way back,” Ash said with a smile.

“I know, just let me know. Here’s my number so just hit me up when you want to,” Ali said as she reached out for a pen in her car and wrote it on Ash’s hand.

 

_Flash back…_

_“What a dick….” Ali said she had tears rolling down her cheek and taking a big sip from her martini._

_“Aw, I’m sorry Ali. You guys just didn’t work out. There are plenty of other fish in the sea you know?” Ash tried to comfort her friend who just got jumped._

_“I’m flying down to Florida TOMORROW and kicking Chris’ ass. That liar!” Ali said pissed._

_This got a laugh out of Ash, “Haha, okay if anything Chris was right. Derek IS a good guy. Technically, YOU are the one who broke his heart.”_

_“STOP IT! You’re not helping!” Ali said with a dramatic wail, “I mean I just said I don’t want to settle! I mean why does he have to ruin everything! I was having fun and of course…”_

_Derek was every girl’s dream. He was a successful businessman, a family man, great with kids, polite, kind, and just a really well rounded person. If there was anything wrong with him, he was too perfect for Ali. Meaning, Derek wanted to make things more “serious” but Ali just wasn’t ready. She really liked him and he was the nicest guy he has ever dated. However, getting married and having kids was absolutely not something she wanted. And, when Derek realized that what he wanted and Ali wanted weren’t aligned he called it off. According to Ali his exact words were, “I think it would be best if we call it off before you break my heart more later. I’d just have false hope that you’d say yes…” It wasn’t that Ali didn’t want a family. Just not right now and Derek was just like a F1 racing car. And, Ali wasn’t quite there yet._

_“Alex, com’on. You’ll find someone. You just weren’t meant to be. That’s all,” Ash comforted her._

_Ali was just really upset and she kept on taking sips of her martini. The thing about the breakup was the Ali’s “sorrow” sounded more upset because she thought things were so perfect rather than heartbroken. Ali was really enjoying the new company with such a perfect man but of course with each perfect there are imperfections._

_“No, there won’t be. I’ll just be alone for the rest of my life. I just let go of my only chance!”_

_“What are you talking about! You’re gorgeous! People would be asking for your number in no time after we figure… this,” Ash joked as she wiped off the mascara on Ali’s face._

_“Stop! You’re not helping Ash! And no one is going to be asking for my number!”_

_Ash just didn’t know what to do. The girl was just upset and she knew that when Ali is upset she just needed to let her be. So Ash excused herself to go to the bathroom., Ten minutes later, somebody tapped on Ali’s shoulder._

_Ali turned around, “Um, sorry. Don’t mean to look like a creeper but I saw you crying and your friend seemed to have left you and was wondering if you wanted some company?”_

_Ali still had her frown on and replied, “Thanks but it’s fine she’ll be back.”_

_“Well, what if she doesn’t? What if she went to the bathroom and like got flushed down the toilet and she ended up in a poop hole and she just couldn’t come back? Then you’d be here all by yourself, downing in your sorrow, no?”_

_This made Ali laugh a little between her crying, “Stop it Ash, I’m not up for your jokes.” It was Ash. Ashlyn was trying to make her feel better the best way she knew._

_“Um, I don’t know who Ash is but I’m not Ash,” Ash pretended to be someone else._

_“Really? You want me to play along?” Ali asked with sass._

_Ash shrugged, “I mean , I’m just saying.”_

_“Fine. Then what’s your name?”_

_“My name is Can I Getchor Numba,” Ash replied with a smile._

_“Really? You’re impossible,” Ali was wiping the tears off her face by now and smiling._

_“Are you trying to tell me that I don’t know my name?!” Ash acted overly offended._

_“Of course not. Then, your first name is Can and your last name is Numba?” Ali asked skeptically._

_“Mhm,” Ash nodded._

_“Interesting…”_

_“And you are…?”_

_“I’m You’re Fulla Bullshit,” Ali replied._

_“Oh really! No way!”_

_“What? Are YOU saying that I don’t know MY name?!” Ali said as if she was offended._

_“Of course not. I was just about to say my friend’s last name is also Bullshit. Actually it’s BullshitS. Her name is, Ali Krieger Bullshits,” Ash replied trying not to laugh._

_Ali frowned and gave her a face, “Oh yeah, well she must be really cool.”_

_“Yeah, she’s amazing. Actually, I need to get going because I need to meet her but I was wondering if I can get your number?” Ash asked._

_“Yeah? Numba wants to get my number, huh?”_

_“Please?” Ash had her signature puppy face._

_“Sure, I guess,” Ali gave in and picked up the pen on the bar table, reached for Ash’s hand and wrote down her number. After a short few seconds, the two laughed at their silly impromptu. And Ash accomplished her goal for the night: making Ali laugh._

But today, she was the only one who remembered all this.

“All right, I’ll give you a call. Drive safe Ali,” Ashlyn said as she watched Ali get in her car and drive away.

Back in the house, Ash found Jesse using Al as a pillow as he was watching the Flintstones. The Flintstones was Ash’s idea. If the little boy was to watch anything, he was going to be doing it right, the way it was back in the days; none of those gadgets and machines and robots. Jesse was probably used lying dogs back at home. It was too cute to just ignore so Ash took Chris’ phone on the counter and took a picture and sent it to Ash and Sarah with a text that read: You probably won’t see this till tomorrow but your boy is hella cute with my boy!

Even though it was way past Jesse’s bedtime, Ash figured it was his little treat. She went to join the two on the floor and lied next to Jesse. Once Ash got on the floor, Jesse immediately moved over next to Ash and lied on top of her. This just made Ash smile and she caressed him closer. She gave the little boy another 15 minutes before she interrupted the boy.

“Buddy, can we get you changed and ready for bed? You can watch it after we get all ready,” Ash told him.

While Ash was worried about having to force the boy to get away from the TV to get ready, she was surprised to see Jesse get up at once and say, “Okay.”

Ash just smiled and followed after him. Ash got him in the shower and got him all ready for bed as the two of them laid on the pullout bed in the living room. Even though Ash did tell him that he could continue watching after he got ready for bed, the boy was beat. He cuddled up close to Ash but he refused to let Ahs turn the TV off.

“Ash you can’t turn the TV off, okay? I’m still watching it,” Jesse informed her.

“Haha buddy you’re not even looking at the TV though,” Ash said laughing.

“No, I have eyes on the side and back of my head too. I can see.”

“What? What are you talking about?” This made Ash laugh more.

“Mom and Ma always say that they have eyes on all sides and that’s why they know what I’m doing even when they have their backs to me…” Jesse replied.

Ash just shook her head and smiled at how Jesse was simplicity at its best.“Ash?” Jesse was asleep.

“Yeah,” Ash answered.

“If I be band aid for next year, will you stay till then..?”

Ash just became very quiet for a second and as she turned the TV off, kissed the boy’s head she said, “I’m not going anywhere little man.”


	4. What are you hiding?

“Hey buddy,” Ash quietly woke the boy up.

Jesse looked up with his squinty eyes and just smile and buried his face into the pillow. _One day I’m going to have a kid like you_ Ash thought to herself.

“You sleep okay handsome?” Ash asked as she smiled back.

“Mhm.”

“Well, then I have two options for this morning’s breakfast for champs. I have chocolate chip pancakes WITH chocolate milk and we got to have some fruits OR I have lots and lots of bacon and veggie and scrambled eggs with chocolate chip muffin and orange juice. What would you like kiddo?”

Jesse was definitely torn because Ash could see how he wanted everything. Even though she was thinking about mad spoiling the boy and give him everything, she wanted to see what he would say.

“Ash…. Can I have a little bit of everything? I promise I’ll only have a little tiny bit,” Jesse replied as put his tiny thumb and index fingers close to show her how much.

This got a laugh out of Ash, “But your Ma and Mom aren’t going to be too happy about that…”

“It can be our secret,” Jesse said with a huge smile as he clung on to Ash and gave her a long peck on her cheek.

How could she deny this bundle of cuteness? “Hahaha where did you learn that?”

“Ma. Ma said there is nothing a kiss on the check can’t do,” Jesse said proudly.

“Of course haha, your Ma is too whipped to not use kisses, huh?”

“Huh?”

“Nothing kiddo, lets go eat breakfast.”

Breakfast at Ash’s was probably the most laughter Grams, Chris, and Ash’s mom have heard in a really long time. Jesse being the innocent child answered all questions with simplicity and honesty and revealed much family secrets like: how Abby ended up on the couch with the dogs because she was snoring too loud, how Sarah doesn’t let Abby have more than two burgers, and so on.

After breakfast the trio, Ash, Jess, and Al, decided to walk to the hotel.  The rest of the team was doing team stuff so Sarah said she would meet them at the park to pick Jesse up. At the park, Jesse ran around with Al while Sarah and Ash sat on the bench and watched the two hopelessly tackle one another.

“So, how many times in a week do you kick Abby to the couch?” Ash poked.

“You don’t understand! She just— Wait, how do you know that?” Sarah asked.

“From the great vines you know? Haha,” Ash said as she looked down at Jesse.

“No he didn’t! That child sometimes talks too much! I wonder who he gets it from because it’s not from Abby or me,” Sarah said in disbelief for being called out by her own son.

“Kids listen you know?” Ash said.

“Wow, preaching about kids, huh? What happened to Ashlyn Michelle Harris who couldn’t even remember the girls she went home with?” Sarah teased.

This got Ashlyn to smile and shake her head with a little bit of embarrassment.

“Sarah?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you see the same me five years ago?”

“What do you mean?” Sarah was worried where this conversation was headed.

“Like, am I the same person? I mean of course minus the girls and drinking and partying but like _me_. Am I the same me?”

Sarah looked at Ash and there was so much sincerity and she could see that Ash was asking not because of curiosity but because she wanted to be found. However, Sarah didn’t quite know if it was not her place to solve her puzzle nor did she want to lie.

“I mean, you’re different of course. How could you not be? But, you’re still you. You’re still the same pain in the ass Ash that I knew years back,” Sarah said as she looked at the blonde.

“Haha… thanks. You’re a really good best friend,” Ash said.

“Why are you asking though?”

Ash took a deep breath, “I feel like there are missing pieces. Like not in a way that it’s confusing me but in a way that I know things and I don’t know how I know but I do. And, Chris and mom doesn’t know this but, I remember two Christmases ago them talking about how ‘she might be because she just doesn’t want to remember.’ And after they said that… I’ve been scared…”

“Scared of what?” Sarah carefully asked as she rubbed Ash’s back.

“I actually have a box at home of things I’ve put into the box five years ago. They were things I wanted to bring back when I was ready to come back I guess. I told myself that when I was ready to come back, I’d open it. But, after I overheard Chris and Mom, I’m scared that if I open that, I’d find things I didn’t want to… The other problem or I guess a relief, is that I have no idea what I had put in there…” Ash said as she looked down at the ground. Sarah knew exactly what she might find in that box and she didn’t know if Ash would want to bring them back either…

The two caught up and it was time for Jesse’s afternoon nap. Even though it was for just two days it was good to catch up and Sarah invited Ash up to Portland sometime soon and of course, Jesse made her promise. Ash promised him.

Weeks have passed since she caught up with everyone. Even though Ash and Ali made plans to meet up while Ali was in town that never happened. Ash just got really carried away with getting the garage turned into her workshop. Life was picking up and things weren’t too bad. Al was getting used to the new surrounding as well but Ash was sure that he liked the extra variety of snacks; he learned to beg at Grams.

Since Christmas, some time had lapsed. Ashlyn had successfully opened up her little handcraft store and was doing pretty well. And, sometime in August, Niki asked Ash to visit. The Washington Spirit had just finished their regular season and had a week off before their semifinals. Ash didn’t see why not so she got on a bus and made her way up. She arrived at the Plex around 4 PM when Niki was about to be done with practice. Ash went inside and surprised everyone. She had played for the Spirit up till she decided to take time off five years ago. People were telling her that it was great to see her and that they have missed her. Some even asked if she was coming back. Ash just laughed and answered it with a shrug even though she had no intentions to. As she chatted away she saw the two familiar faces: Niki and Ali.

“Hey pal!” Niki said as she jogged over to embrace Ash.

“Hi, you stink,” Ash said laughing.

“I haven’t seen you for like three months and that’s what you say? Oh shut up, you were the worst with those goalie gloves!” Niki countered back.

Niki and Ash pulled back and Ali was standing next to them with a smile, “Hi,” Ali said as she awkwardly held her hand out.

Ash just smiled back and pulled her in, “I don’t remember ever being this formal with my friends.” The touch was so foreign not because it was weird but because her body was trying to recognize it.

“Anyway, I actually have to get washed and all and drop by home real quick but Ali, want to join us for dinner? Then, you can keep her company too,” Niki asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Ali replied.

“Thanks, I’ll be quick. Or want to just meet up at Joey’s?”

“Sure,” Ash said and Niki hurriedly ran off. “So…”

“You never called,” Ali called Ash out. There was something about the moment that made Ali to be frank.

“I know, I just got really busy. I’m sorry,” Ash was really sorry because she had forgotten to do so.

“That’s okay, don’t worry about it,” The two walked over to the parking lot and got in Ali’s car. They pulled into Joey’s and the two made their way towards the restaurant.

As the two were crossing the road, Ash saw a little kid starting to run into the middle of the road to chase after her ball and without a second thought she ran and chased after the girl. With in coming traffic, she ran and lunged for the girl. Ash barely missed the car that swerved in front of her. However, as Ash landed, her head hit the side curb and she was bleeding. Ali who saw all this so fast didn’t even have time to process it until she saw Ash on the ground.

“ASHLYN!!!!” Ali ran across the street and held Ash. The child was unscarred and the girl’s mom was also there; Ashlyn had protected the girl’s hand with her hand and made sure that when she fell, the little girl would have the least amount of contact.

“Ashlyn Harris! Are you okay?! Oh my god! You’re bleeding!” Ali said as she realized the blood on her hand that she was supporting Ash’s head.

The next words out of Ash’s mouth would have caught Ali’s attention more if the circumstance was different, “Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” was what Ashlyn said as she lost conscience.

The ambulance got there and took Ash to the nearest hospital. Ali immediately called Niki and they were going to meet at the hospital. Things were all so familiar in the most painful way possible.

At the hospital, the doctors examined Ash and they said that luckily she was going to be fine. They would have to see after she wakes up to see how severe of a concussion she had but other than that, there was no internal bleed or anything. This brought much relief to Ali and Niki brought Ali towards her and held her tight. Then, Ali just let all her guard down and started to cry hopelessly.

“I…. thought…. I was going to…lose her… again,” Ali said between her sobs.

“Shhhhhhh, it’s all good Ali. She’s fine like the doctor said. She’s going to be fine.”

After a while Ali got herself together and remembered what Ash said before she lost conscience. “Niki… And Ash said ‘Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you’ before she lost conscience…”

“WHAT!? Does that mean she remembers?” Niki perked up.

“I don’t know. What if she does...? I can’t figure out if her remembering is a good thing or not…”

“Ali, let’s not think about that right now. Let’s just…” Niki didn’t know the answer to Ali’s concern, “Let’s just wait and see.”

Back in the room, Ash was in pain. It wasn’t physical as much as it was mental…

_“You’re asking me to listen to you who was groping all over a girl while her lips were locked onto yours and yours on hers?! Who do you think I am?! That’s it, I was just some ‘along the road’ kind of thing and you expect me to take you seriously? I’m done!” Ali yelled at Ash with tears just streaming down her face._

_“Alex, I’m sorry. I really am. Would you—”Ash said as she reached for Ali’s arm._

_“NO!” Ali pulled her arm away, “I don’t care about you and your sorry lies. You know? You’ve been weird the past few weeks and this was why. Because you didn’t’ have the guts to tell me! This is why—”_

_Then there was the blast. BOOM!_

_Ash is now somewhere else. She sees herself; she is watching everything like a bystander._

_“Ash, would you please talk to me?” Ali begged._

_“From what I remember, you were done and so am I. I’m done with your confused out of your mind shit.” Ash said harshly as walked away from Ali._

_“Ash please—” Ali said as she chased after her._

_“You don’t get to please me! You know that?! The world doesn’t revolve around you! When I told you that I liked you, I meant that I liked you like I liked Tiffany, Miranda, Sara, Chrissy, Mary, Jessica, and all the other girls I fucked. Just because you’re my friend doesn’t mean the way I like you changes! And there you go getting mad at me as if I cheated. Get a life! If I got you out of that fucking mess of yours then go do something worth it!” Ash had lost it._

_“What do you mean my mess?!”_

_“Oh, there is a gas explosion in our apartment and the only house that happened to have a gas stove was ours and oh right, you fucking wanted that shit when we moved in!”_

_“You can’t possibly—”_

_“Yes I can. It’s all on you. Oh wait, the ‘princess’ doesn’t want all the attention to be on her now does she?” Ash really had lost it. Ali stood there in tears… broken._

She finally opened her eyes and perked up from her hospital bed. The nurses outside her room saw this and they came rushing in. As the nurses came into check on her and ask her questions, the only thing Ash could think about was the “dream” she was trapped in. _Why was Ali there? Done? Like her? What?_ Ash was confused. She didn’t know how to take about the encounter. _Could this be…_ Then Ali and Niki walking in hurriedly interrupted her thought.

“You okay?” Both of them asked worriedly.

Ash then realized that they were probably more worried than her so she put a smile on and answered them, “Yeah. How’s the little girl?”

“The girl is fine. They wanted to thank you in person but they were actually from out of town and had to head out. But, they said they’re going to call you and pay for all expenses,” Ali reported to Ash.

“As long as she’s fine…”

“No, not as long as she’s fine! What were you thinking Ashlyn?!” Ali raised her voice a little.

“I wasn’t—”

“Exactly! You weren’t!” Ali said as she stormed out.

This left one puzzled Ash and an awkward Niki.

“Why is she mad at me?” Ash asked.

“I uhh…” Niki was hesitant and Ash could sense she was being so.

There was a long pause between the two before Ash spoke up. “Niki, I had a really weird ‘dream.’ Right before I woke up, I was back in my old apartment right before the gas explosion…. And Ali was there… We were fighting about me making out with someone… Like… It’s a blur but all I know is that we were arguing and the next moment I was accusing of her of the explosion?” Ash said all confused.

Niki was caught off guard.

Now Ash could definitely see that Niki knew something.

“Nik, what don’t I know?” Ash asked in the most sincere way possible.

No answer.

“Niki, since the accident, I never felt as if anyone was treating me like me. Everyone is so careful around me and it just hasn’t been the same. I may have gone through a lot but I still know what it feels like to notice when things aren’t normal. Like now,” Ash let out a soft chuckle to loosen the mood. “You know... This right here is what I was fearing… I think… I felt safe for once in a very long time I didn’t want to feel unsafe being back. As ridiculous as that sounds…”

Ash sat up and cringed a little at the sore muscles. “Ash, you should go home.”

Ash wanted to say something but she knew better. Niki had known her for a very long time and she trusted her friend’s instinct, “Okay.”

“Hey Nik?”

“Yeah?”

“Just answer me this, please?” Ash begged.

Niki gave her a skeptical look because knowing Ash it probably wasn’t a simple question. “Did I hurt Ali?”

Niki paused. She had no right to give her input and she didn’t want to sway Ash toward one side to think one of another. “Just that Niki, please?”

“I think you both hurt each other,” Niki finally answered reluctantly but that was the truth. The pain inflected on one was the reflection of the pain inflected on the other.

“Mkay, thanks,” Ash smiled and let the drug take over her body and fell asleep.

Niki had called Chris earlier about the accident and told him not to worry. However, she did tell him about the conversation the two had in the hospital. It wasn’t something just Ashlyn feared but it was something everyone around Ashlyn had feared. Meanwhile, Ali had went back home in tears that day and she hadn’t been doing much but wondered what she was going to say to Ashlyn. She called Niki and Niki told her that it would be best if Ali just wait because Ash was going home.


	5. From a Sharp Pain to a Dull Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last update for a short while. Hope you guys enjoy it.

Two days later, Niki drove Ash to the airport.

“Niki, you don’t have to. I don’t need a babysitter,” Ash assured her.

“Ash… please… I thought I lost you again. Can you just go along and do this for me?” Niki had bought two tickets to Florida. “It’s just that I don’t think I’ll be okay just sending you by yourself.”

Even though Ash wanted to convince Niki to not come down with her, she knew what Niki meant, “Okay…”

The two got on their flights and the ride was short. It seemed stupid of Niki to fly down for few hours before she had to fly back up to get ready for the semis but Ash knew that this was the least she could do for her friend. She had scared her twice… When they got the airport, Chris was there wait for them. Ash didn’t even have to question why, she knew Niki would have longed done so.

“You’re lucky I wasn’t there because I would have literally shit my pants you idiot,” Chris said as he hugged Ashlyn tight.

“I’m sorry,” Ash quietly whispered back.

Chris released Ash and hugged Niki, “Thank you so much Nik.”

“Wouldn’t do anything differently,” The two then exchanged a smile and headed toward the parking lot. The ride back home was quiet. They pulled into the parking lot and Ash walked in first. She didn’t even look back. She went straight for her room.

“How is she?” Chris asked Niki as the two slowly got out and followed in.

“She’s confused. You should talk to her… She remembers pretty much most of it. I haven’t said anything…” Niki said with a sigh.

“Okay…” Chris had already sent their mother and Grams out for an overnight spa day knowing that having them around wouldn’t do Ash any good.

“Yeah… Well, I think I’m going to give you guys some time and catch some wave. Can I borrow your board?” Niki asked.

“Of course, you know where it is,” Chris told her as he made his way upstairs to Ash and Niki went off to the garage.

Al had already beat him to Ash as he saw the pup lying next to his sister who had her one arm covering her eyes as she lied facing the ceiling.

“Hey champ,” Chris said as she knocked on her door.

No reply. Chris could tell that she was trying to hold her tears.

“Ash—”

“Chris, this is why I didn’t want to come back. This is why I fought so hard to come back. I wanted to believe that everything I knew and everything I felt was just the way they were. I believed that all my nightmares were just bad dreams and they were irrelevant. The unclear shouting and yelling and blaming…. I thought they were all just bad recollections because of the stress… And, I tried to ignore what you and mom were talking about few Christmases ago but now… That’s impossible…”

“Oh Ash…” Chris was now by Ash’s side on the bed.

Ash quickly got up and sat on the edge of the bed with her face in her hands. Ash got herself together –her eyes red— and looked at Chris with a hard-put-on smile. “I want you to tell me. It’s too late to say I don’t have missing pieces. So, tell me. I’m okay. I have you guys and I can take it.”

He just looked at his sister who looked so beat and broken. He couldn’t lie and he didn’t want to either. He pursed his lips and nodded.

“I don’t know exactly what happened but there was an explosion at the apartment you guys were living in. You got Ali out but she had lost conscience and for some reason people said you went back in and came back out with a small girl. As people started to gather, you called for an ambulance but apparently they said it would take them about 20 minutes to get there because of the traffic in town. Ali was with someone you knew in the neighbor and she was coughing so you left her with the crowd because apparently the kid was unconscious and not breathing or something.

“So, you got in your car and drove off with the girl. But, as you were about to turn into the emergency room, you go hit by a car…

Ash was listening carefully with tears in her eyes and her hands covering her mouth as she expected the worst. Chris just looked at her sister who was in pain with much pity.

“The people in the ER quickly came to the scene and took the two of you in for treatment. Both of you had lost conscience and the girl was in critical condition. Few hours later, we came to the hospital to hear that you had a fractured arm, possible lung damage, and a very bad concussion. But, the doctor said it was a miracle to how unscathed you were. We hadn’t heard about the girl or Ali at that point. So, we went to your room to find you waking up. The first thing you asked even then was about the girl and as we were about to ask what you were talking about, the mother in tears came rushing in with three nurses behind her. She was yelling at you calling you a murderer. She was saying that you put her daughter in that critical condition because you didn’t wait for the ambulance… Eventually they got her out and you were confused and lost. And we could all see the guilt in your eyes. Later, we heard the story and it was too early for the doctors to really know what happened. So, the next day we find out that she was filing a suit against you.

“In the midst of everything, you healed but you were such an angry person. You pushed everyone away and you kept soccer close. You were just a different person… You made it onto the USWNT roster but I’ve never seen you play without a heart and a soul. You told me that you didn’t want to play anymore right before _the_ friendly game and that you were going to spend some time away. And like it was planned, you went up for a save that game and on your way down you hit the post and lost conscience. Mom, Grams, and I were in the stand and we knew something was up when you didn’t get up.

“They rushed you to the hospital and three hours later you woke up. But, you weren’t you. You were… free. If that’s even the right term. You seemed to have forgotten everything that was bothering and making you angry. The doctor said that it was something very common in people with PTSD. It was almost as if you were able to pick and choose what you wanted to forget and remember… You didn’t remember the child or the accusations…

“You told us you were still going to go to VT and take your time. We wanted to stop you and convince you to stay since things weren’t bothering you but you still remembered that you were going to take time off from soccer. You see, that was the weirdest part. You seemed like you remembered things but you didn’t.  But it was the first time you seemed so…. at ease so, mom said we should just let you be and here we are… five years later…”

Ash didn’t even have the brainpower to sob. She just tears streaming down her face. Everything was too much to take in and it wasn’t because she could remember all this. It was because she couldn’t. It was like listening to an unfortunate story about someone else. However, things made sense now, it made sense why she doesn’t drive, why her teammates are so careful around her, and especially Ali…

Chris inched next to Ash and embraced her into a hug, “I’m sorry sis… I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to keep it from you, we were just trying to protect you…”

Ash held on to Chris’ arm and she cried. She cried for a long time at what she couldn’t remember. She cried at her coward self who ran from everything. She cried at the pain and suffering she had put through everyone. She cried for a very long time.

Once Ash was able to collect herself, she looked up at Chris, “I’m not mad at you guys. I just wish I could remember…” Just then Ash remembered, “How about the girl…? Did she…”

Chris smiled. “She made it. She was in a comma for six months and the doctors thought she wasn’t going to make it but she did. And, Ash, you saved her.”

Ash looked confused.

“You saved her. She actually lived because of you. The accident was bad but the girl wasn’t affected by the accident. You protected her in the midst of everything, which is probably why you fractured your arm. If you hadn’t decided to drive, she probably wouldn’t have made it at all from lung failure.”

“But—”

“The ambulance only got to Ali and the site by the time you and the girl made it to the ER. It was too soon to say anything then, which is why the parents were going crazy but after the investigation and all, they ruled that the girl’s conditions were only because of the smoke she inhaled and without your help, she wouldn’t have made it. They wanted to apologize and thank you but Mom said you would understand and that they could maybe tell you that when you weren’t so caught up.”

Ash didn’t know… everything was a twist and turn.

“You’re wondering why we didn’t tell you about that… Well, you didn’t even remember the girl and we didn’t want to put you through it. We were waiting for you to be ready and I guess that day’s just today…”

Chris lifted Ash’s face so that she was looking at him, “My sister is a hero. But, from now on, I would really appreciate it if you would try to be less of one for others and be one for yourself.” It was more of a plea.

This made Ash chuckle. While her head was being inundated with new feelings, emotions, pain, and memories that she could not remember, there was a weight being lifted off her shoulders. Then, Ashlyn remembered.

“Chris?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s with Ali?”

Chris paused for a moment. “That I can’t tell you. It’s not my place to tell.”

Ashlyn didn’t understand. If Chris told her that she forgot everything that had possibly been stressing her with her concussion, what could Ali have possibly done to be on that list?

“Then just answer this for me will you? Did I hurt her?” Ash asked carefully.

However, unlike Niki who was very hesitant to answer, Chris’ answer was almost immediate, “Nothing that can’t be fixed between the two of you.” While his answer implied that Ash did or might have hurt her, his smile that followed gave Ashlyn the confusion.

After the talk, Chris gave Ash some time alone. Three hours later, Niki was back from surfing and made her way up to Ash’s room. “Hey, how you doing?”

Ash slowly turned around toward her door and answered, “Confused and more lost but found at the same time?”

This made both of them smile, “How were the waves?”

“Nothing beats Florida. Could have been there longer if I don’t have to fly back later tonight,” Niki replied.

“Right… Well after you win the championship, you should come down,” Ash recommended.

“Definitely. Then, you and I can both go,” Niki said as she walked over to Ash for a fist bump which Ash returned.

“You’re going tell me that it’s not your place to tell too aren’t you?” Ash threw it out randomly. However, Niki didn’t even have to think twice of what she was talking about.

“Yup, not my place. But, I’ll tell you this: don’t worry about it. I think Ali will appreciate it much more than you think. Because I know you, you’re thinking that she’s going to hate you for what you did, especially since she’ll know that you know the story. But I guarantee you that she’ll be the most relieved person that you’re okay,” Niki assured her best friend with her hand on Ash’s shoulder.

“Thanks… I appreciate you telling me that,” Ash replied with a smile. However, Ash wasn’t ready. She wasn’t quite ready to go see Ali…

Niki flew back to DC that evening and she got home around midnight but she knew Ali would be waiting for her.

“Hey, how is she?” Ali asked as soon as Niki walked into the house.

“Haha, I don’t even get a hi?” Niki responded, trying to lighten the mood a little. Ali had been stressing over the accident the past few days and Niki knew that Ali hadn’t been sleeping well either.

“Sorry, I just—”

“Ali, I was joking,” Niki smiled, “She’s good. I think she just needs some time to heal and she’ll be fine.”

“And how about… her… memory?” Ali asked carefully.

“It’s… I don’t know. I left that up to Chris. Ali, lets just wait and see?” Niki responded. It wasn’t that Niki was lying but she also knew better than to tell Ali about everything when she knew that Ash would want to do that on her own when she was ready.

“Yeah… you’re right,” Ali looked down at her feet and nodded quietly.

Back in Florida, Ash was spending more time in her workshop. It was the easiest thing for her to spend her time doing something mindlessly. She had a lot on her mind and she was trying to do what the next best thing was. After hours in the workshop, Ash finally dropped her tools and made up her mind. She didn’t want to run anymore. She didn’t want to pretend nor did she want to forget. She wanted to really be free. So, she did what was most appropriate. She went to her room, packed her bag, called a cab, and left. It was time for her to piece things together.

The air in Portland was definitely much cooler. It was a much better than the humid hot air in Florida. Although it is courtesy to always call before you visit, Ash knew that it didn’t matter that much between her and the Huffman-Wachbachs. Ash got on a cab and told the cab driver the address. Thirty minutes later, Ash got off a house on a hill located on the suburbs of Portland and rang the bell.

Ding dong, ding dong.

“Hello?” Someone answered.

“Pizza delivery,” Ash pretended as she held out the two pizza boxes while hiding herself from the intercom; Ash had dropped by a pizza store before she got to their house.

“Uh just as second please,” it was Sarah on the intercom, “HEY ABBY DID YOU ORDER PIZZA?! YOU CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS!!! TODAY’S YOUR DAY TO COOK!!!”

Ash was really trying hard not to laugh as she heard the bantering, “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I’M COOKING DINNER IN THE KITCHEN!”

Sarah got back, “Um, I’m sorry but I think you got the wrong house. We didn’t order any pizza,” she replied politely.

Ash wasn’t about to give up, “Well, I have a delivery for Jesse Huffman-Wambach?” Ash replied.

“Oh my god…. He did not…. I’m sorry, yeah, come in,” was what Ash heard as Sarah buzzed Ash in and as Ash walked toward the front door she could hear Sarah yelling at Jesse, “JESSE MATTHEW HUFFMAN-WAMBACH YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE FOR ORD—”

“Hi, Sarah,” Ash patiently stood in the doorway, holding out a pizza and smiling.

“What? What are you…” Sarah just stood there confused with ten dollar notes in her hand.

“Seriously? That’s the reaction I get after I flew across the country to see you?” Ash said with a playful pout.

At that point Jesse had made his way to the front door and immediately had a wide smile on his face when he saw Ash. “ASHLYN!!!!!” Jesse yelled as he ran towards Ash.

“That’s my boy! Sarah, this is the proper greeting you should give your friend you know?” Ash said as she picked up the boy and handed the pizza to Sarah.

Ash and Jesse made their way into the house and a puzzled Sarah followed behind them. When Abby came out to see what was going on from the kitchen she was oblivious of the situation or to why Ash might come visit and greeted her with a big smile and a hug, “Man, it’s good to see you!” Abby said.

“Yup and guess what?” Ash said with a smile and one eyebrow up.

“What?”

“I hope you haven’t done much with that cooking, I brought pizza,” Ash said.

“Awww yeah!” Abby gave her a high five, “I only got the water boiling for the pasta!” This got a laugh out of the three of them. However, Sarah was still confused and she was standing just by them.

“Com’on Sarah, you’re not going to give me a hug?” Ash said as she walked closer to Sarah.

“Uh uh. No way. The last time you came to our house unexpectedly was in the form of a letter telling us that you’re going to the cabin. And, we just got you back. I’m not letting you go back,” Sarah was serious.

“Gosh, relax. I’m not. I’m just taking time off and wanted to see this little champ and you guys. That’s all,” Ash assured her as she pulled Sarah into a hug.

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” Ash repeated herself.

“Babe, she said really, now can we eat? I’m starving!” Abby interrupted as she took the boxes from Sarah.

“Ugh! How do you get off the hook so easily like that with cooking?!” Sarah was now annoyed at her wife.

“Haha, it’s her luck, let her be,” Ash sided with Abby as she got a wink from her.

The four of them cheerfully ate dinner and caught up. Sarah was telling Ash how everyone who came to their house would compliment the mirror frame Ash had sent. Ash also heard all about Jesse’s first day at pre-school. Things at the Huffman-Wambach house seemed to be just as Ash expected: bickering, bantering, loving, and caring. As Jesse’s bedtime came around, Sarah gave Abby a look and asked if she would get Jesse ready for bed. Of course, Jesse didn’t want to but Ash convinced him that if he was in bed that she would sleep with him tonight like last time in Florida. That was all the boy needed to hear before he ran upstairs to get ready.

“So, why are you here?” Sarah asked sternly.

“Always so quick to cut to the chase, huh?” Ash laughed as she took a sip of her lemonade.

“You have to give me some credit. I didn’t call after I heard about your accident in DC. I didn’t call about why it took you so long to call to even say hi. So, I think you owe me,” Sarah stated.

“You’re right. I know you didn’t and I do owe you but I know I really don’t have much to say since Niki probably filled you in and you called Chris and he said I’m fine so…” Ash gave her a knowing look.

Sarah did talk to Niki and she did call Chris in which is half the reason why she didn’t call Ash. “Fine but that’s not that same. What brings you here? And I swear, if you’re telling me that you’re going back to that cabin, I’m going to send the whole North American bear population there so that you can’t go back.”

“Haha sureee,” Ash laughed a little.

“I just wanted to see you guys and give you this,” Ash said as she pulled out something from her bag. It was a small package.

“What’s this?” Sarah asked as she took it from Ash.

“Just open it after I leave,” Ash told her.

“This better not be—”

“Sarah! Haha it’s not a goodbye package so stop freaking out. I plan to be back next month for the little guy’s birthday so stop it, will you? It’s something I should have given it to you much earlier…” Ash assured her friend.

“Okay,” Sarah caved in.

“So, now can we just talk about normal things? Like your life? Bitch about your wife, your kid, and all that stuff that all other married couples do?” Ash teased Sarah.

Sarah rolled her eyes but she saw right through Ash. Ash was trying to make up for lost time and Sarah needed her friend back after five years being so far apart. After about an hour, Abby came back and she looked beat.

“You know how many times that kid asked if you were really going to sleep with him? Goodness, he’s all yours tonight. Don’t you dare send him over to our room!” Abby said as she picked up a beer from the fridge.

“I got him, I got him! Don’t worry about him. You two just don’t be too loud,” Ash said with a laugh.

“Shut up!” Sarah quickly yelled at Ash.

“You see? But you won’t tell me that you won’t!” This made Ash laugh even harder.

“Of course not! You sure, you don’t want to move here? You can use our garage as a workshop and we even have a pool house that’s really not a pool house that you can use. Just that, you’ll have to babysit Jesse,” Abby half jokingly and half seriously offered.

“Thank you very much but no thank you. I love him and you guys but, I’m good,” Ash replied back. The three stayed p late to catch up. It was like the good old days. And, for once, Sarah and Abby felt like Ash was really back and Ash felt like she was being treated like her old self. It was a good night to start a much-needed trip down memory lane. As the three of them wrapped up the night, the Ashlyn went to Jesse’s room and the other two were on their own for the rest of the night. The boy’s bed was a real tight fit for the two of them and it became almost impossible for her to sleep when the two dogs joined them. _You two really wanted some privacy, huh?_ Ash thought to herself at the thought of Sarah and Abby locking even the dogs out of their rooms. Therefore, Ash decided to come up with another plan…

It was almost 7:30 in the morning and she could feel the boy shuffling next to her. She opened her eyes and the boy was stretching his arms out and Ash knew that instant that he was up-up. So, she smiled and watched the boy as he got himself together. She could sense that once he opened his eyes, he was puzzled by the unfamiliarity of his room and then, immediately searching for Ash. Jesse got up and turned around to look for Ash and there she was, smiling at him.

“Hi, buddy,” Ash said the boy smiled back and came in for a hug. She engulfed him in a big bear hug and tickled him as the boy laughed and tried to swarm out of her embrace.

In a really deep children’s book voice Ash said, “I’m going to eat youuuuu!” And she tried to bite Jesse. The boy was screaming and laughing at the same time. It was really hard to tell.

“So, little guy. Should we get out of our tent?” Ash suggested.

“Tent?” Jesse asked confused.

Ash smiled and nodded as she slowly got up with the boy’s hand in hers and crouching down so she won’t hit her head. The two got out of the enclosed whatever and that’s when Jesse was extra excited!

“NO WAY! A TENT IN THE HOUSE!?” Jesse was ecstatic. The bed was so small Ash decided she would surprise the boy and built a blanket fort in the living. By then, the two dogs were also making their way out as they looked more puzzled by the uproar of noise this early in the morning.

“You like it?” Ash asked.

“YES! Ash, can you like never go and live with us? Mom and ma never do things like this,” The boy said but he was so carried away by the blanket fort he didn’t even wait for Ash to answer. Ash just roughed the boys hair and chuckled. After the four of them hung out more in the fort, Ash suggested that the two make breakfast for Sarah and Abby and Jesse absolutely loved. It was bacon eggs and French toast.

Ash watched over Jesse as he would crack the eggs and run away because he was afraid of the sizzling sound and the oil popping. He also helped with dipping the toast in the egg and cinnamon mix and laying the bacons on the pan to go in the oven. Ash really just wanted to give Sarah and Abby more time together and teach Jesse responsibilities. This was one of the many things she had to make right on her agenda.

About an hour later, the two couple came downstairs. The dogs seemed more excited about breakfast than Sarah and Abby as the two women were just confused to what was going on.

“Uh, what’s going on?” Ash and Jesse heard even before they saw the two walk into the kitchen.

“And, what’s with al lthe blankets in the living… Oh?” Abby said surprised as she was greeted by Jesse with one of Ash’s bowties and a cup of coffee for Abby.

“Ma! It’s hot take it quick!” Jesse said as he held on the mug very carefully so that he wouldn’t drop of spill it.

“Oh right, thanks buddy,” Abby said as she gave the boy a kiss and turned to give Ash a look; Jesse was occupied again to get Sarah’s cup of coffee carefully off the table.

“What’s all this?! Oh my, thank you baby,” Sarah said as she joined the rest of the crew.

“Ash and I decided to make breakfast for you two!” Jesse said with a big smile, “I helped a lot. Right Ash?”

“Yes, sir!” Ash said as she flipped the last toast on the pan.

“Wow, I didn’t this day would come this fast. You making breakfast for us buddy,” Sarah said as she gave Jesse a hug and mouthed a silent thank you to Ash. Ash, took a bow and just nodded. Breakfast was great and Jesse couldn’t stop talking about the fort or breakfast or what Ash had planned for the two of them. Ash was going to take him out to the beach for the day.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to Ash,” Sarah said.

“Of course. I want to. As much as you guys need time together, I need time with my buddy too, right?” Ash said as she winked and asked for a fist pump in which Jesse returned with much enthusiasm. Ash was like the really cool aunt Jesse had been yearning.

The day went by really fast, the two duo had fun at the beach and Jesse even got to eat dessert for lunch and they made sure it would be their little secret. When the two of them got back, they got washed and ordered pizza and watched a movie in their little fort. The day couldn’t have been more perfect for Ash and Jesse but as well for Abby and Sarah. The couple came home after Jesse had fallen asleep and the three of them had some down time together before Ash had to leave the next day.

The next day was bittersweet. Jesse wouldn’t let go of Ash and he was throwing a tantrum so Abby said a quick see you later to Ash and took the boy upstairs to calm him down; there was no way he would have left Ash go if he had stayed downstairs.

“You promised that you’re going to be here for his birthday! I swear I will burn down that damn cabin if you go back!” Sarah joked as she hugged Ash.

“Yes, yes, yes, I will be here. Don’t worry. And, Sarah?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks and sorry. Sorry for being gone for so long,” Ash said as they pulled apart.

“No, thank you. Thank you for coming back to us. We missed you. And obviously that kid who can’t seem to let you leave,” Sarah said as they heard Jesse wailing.

“Mkay, well I better get going. Tell Jesse that I’ll call him,” Ash smiled.

“I will,” Sarah assured her and Ash blew her a kiss as she left.

It had been three hours since Ash had left and Jesse was finally settled. Ash had called the boy and they exchanged some secretive message in which made Jesse giggle and promise that he would be well-behaved till they got to see each other again soon. As the day was coming to an end, Sarah realized the package sitting on the kitchen counter that Ash had asked her to open after she left. Sarah slowly picked it up and got herself comfortable on the couch.

The truth was that Sarah was a little reluctant to open it as it rushed back memories of the one letter Ash had sent them before she left five years ago... She slowly unwrapped the package and there was a letter on top of the small box that read, “Read first.” Sarah did so and opened the letter.

 

Dear Sarah,

 

I know what you’re thinking and you’re probably right. I’m going back to… PSYCH! Haha Fooled you, huh? Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere. This is the first letter you going to see in this package and I want you to know that I wasn’t completely myself but I never really left you guys, even when I did five years ago. And, I’m still trying to piece everything together on my own. I really appreciate you guys being so understanding and letting me do that, I hope you continue to do that for me. I think I need to do this on my own and ask the questions instead of being asked. Love you guys and I’ll see you soon.

 

Love,

Ash

 

Sarah wasn’t sure what this was all about but she opened the box that had “Sarah and Abby” on it and there laid another letter inside. However, this one was covered with a thin layer of dust that showed that it wasn’t written yesterday… But five years ago. Sarah carefully opened it.

 

 

Dear Sarah,

 

I’m hoping that by the time I get to give you this, I’ve found myself and the courage to tell you that I’m sorry. I know the letter I wrote telling you guys that I’m leaving doesn’t do justice. However, I have to do this because I can’t bare the thought of living my life with so much guilt and failure. Right now, I have so much anger in myself I don’t even know when I’ll lose myself and just blow up in front of someone. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t stand to look at Ali because I see how much she is hurting but I can’t make myself to be with her. I actually don’t even know why I was mad at her. And, I said a few things to her the other day and they weren’t nice things and I realized that I couldn’t tell if I really meant those words or if I was just really mad at myself… I care about her so much but right now I’m hurting her and myself that I don’t know what to do but to not be around her.

Sarah, I don’t even recognize myself and this is why I need to go. I’m really sorry I’m missing the wedding and everything else that is going to come after the happily ever after. You’ve always been there for me and I hope today, I can make it up to you and Abby and your plus one to the family (I hope). I hope it isn’t too late for all that.

 

I love you,

Ash

 

Sarah had tears in her eyes. She couldn’t imagine what the pain must have been like for Ash. Ash had gone through a lot and with this letter, Sarah knew that Ash was back for sure. Sarah looked down into the box as she saw a toddler’s UNC hoodie and a brand new surf wax and two coupons; Sarah and Abby had once mentioned that they wanted to pick up on surfing and Ash had gotten coupons for two free personalized surfboards.

And Ash? She was on her flight to California, to see Whitney. Her second stop.


	6. I don’t know and I can’t know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while and finally taking a break to write. Hope you guys enjoy it!

“Hello?”

“Hi,” Ash replied as she talked on to her phone.

“Why are you calling? Did something happen?!” Whitney was wide-awake by now after she heard the familiar voice on the other end.

“Seriously! What is wrong with you guys? Can’t I just call my friends to talk to them on the phone? Geez…” Ash couldn’t believe that that was the kind of person she had become to her friends: vulnerable and protean.

Whit realized how she had come off, “Sorry Ash, it’s just that it’s still really early, you know?” She tried to come up with an excuse, “Anyway, what’s—”

There was a knock on the door. Whit sat on her bed silently for a moment because it was weird for anyone to be knocking on her door at this hour but then she realized that she did order something on Amazon the other day, “Just a second Ash, I think my Amazon stuff if finally here, I’m going to—”

“He was here when I got here and he said he rang the bell for the last ten minutes and was about to just go. So, I apologized for not being home and pretended to be you,” Ash said as she smiled, shoved the box of delivery into the girl’s arm whose jaws were about to hit the bottom of the ground, “Oh, this is when you say thanks, best friend.” Ash tapped Whit’s shoulder and walked passed her into the house.

“Uh……”

“You’re really just going to stand there?”

“What’s…going on?” Whit was quizzical.

“What? I’m visiting my best friend. Can’t I do that?” Ash was so casual about it. She was really trying to play it cool because Whit’s face was just priceless.

“I get it but… Holy shit balls! You’re going back aren’t you!?!? You’re here to say bye!” Whit then started barging towards Ash on the couch.

“Seriously?! Was it that traumatic when I left five years ago?” Ash laughed but Whit didn’t find it funny, “Fine, fine. I’m not. Seriously! I promise! So, will you just relax and just give me a hug?” Ash got up and held her arms out. Whit caved in and she gave the blond a hug.

“You’re really just visiting?” Whit asked again.

“Yes!!!!” Ash chuckled.

“What are you going to do if I’m busy today with practice?” Whit asked.

“You’re not. I know you had two games this week, one being yesterday. Today’s an off. I know that much about soccer schedules,” Ash told her.

“Well, what if I have other plans?” Whit asked again.

“No, you don’t.”

“No, like Ash I do.”

“No, you don’t. I told Ella that you’re busy today so you’re all mine,” Ash assured her.

“How’d you—”

“Haha, Whit, you really thought I would come here that unplanned? I called Ella to make sure that you weren’t planning anything today. Which is why she asked you if you wanted to go on a hike. It was all planned,” Ashlyn told her.

Whit really didn’t have any idea where this was all going because 1. Ashlyn is never this prepared. 2) She doesn’t JUST visit people. However, Whit was right. Ash was this prepared because it was important that she caught up with her friend and she had a good reason to be in Houston.

The two of them just caught up on each other’s life as Whitney told the blond about her season and how she was kind of glad to be done with this season so that the team can work on things for next season. Ash told her that she was just getting back from Sarah and Abby’s which also kind of caught Whit off guard again as she got a feel of where this was all going.

“So, you’re just taking time off?” Whit asked carefully.

“Yeah, well… I went to see Niki a while ago in D.C. and we had a little accident…” Ashlyn was careful because she knew Whit knew nothing about it.

“Accident as in…?”

“I jumped in front of a car to get this girl who was chasing a ball and hit my head on the curb and loss conscience… kind of accident…?”

“ASH! AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN BOTHER TELLING ME?!” Whit was yelling now.

“What do I say Whit? ‘Oh hi, by the way, I was in a small accident and loss conscience but I’m okay?’ That’s so narcissistic and I would have worried you even more!” Ash was laughing at how ridiculous that conversation would have gone for her.

“Uh… YES! Anyway, are you okay? Like did you get hurt or anything?” Whit was scanning Ashlyn to see if she was physically hurt.

“No, I was fine. But, things did happen. I mean umm… well… Some memories from the accident came back and it was just… confusing. So, I went back home immediately after I was discharged and Chris told me everything… I mean, I wanted to know and I asked,” Ash added to make sure that it wasn’t just a forceful unavoidable act.

“Everything?

“Yeah, well almost everything.” Ashlyn then told Whit the story about the girl and Ali rushing out, going home, talking to Chris and everything.

“So, yeah, everything except… Ali...” Ash said with a small smiled as she pursed her lips.

Ash could also see that Whit was feeling sorry. She was feeling bad that she knew all this about the accident but didn’t say a word to Ash about it. “Hey, Whit. It’s okay. I understand what you guys were doing and I don’t think you guys were lying. I actually appreciate that you guys are letting me ease into this at my own pace. I just wish I knew what happened with Ali…” Ash threw that last bit like bait for Whit even thought she had a feeling it was a lost cause.

However, to Ash’s surprise Whit replied with a rather interesting response. “How much do you remember about Ali? Like, I mean just Ali as a person.”

“I mean, I know we played on the same team at D.C. and we’re good friends you know. Like, I don’t get why I keep having these dreams about ‘us’ or why everyone isn’t willing to tell me about what happened… I mean Chris told me that Ali was in the apartment too during the explosion and I’m starting to think that she came to visit or something.”

Whit could see Ash really trying to remember. However, it was still crazy how the human brain worked. Whit and everybody had to work and accept this “new” Ash but they couldn’t understand how Ash couldn’t remember that she and Ali were best friends and that they lived together and that for months the only person Ash talked about was Ali and yet, she couldn’t remember her… That was why Al was acting inveterate around Ali. He remembered what Ash couldn’t…

“Yeah? Good friends, huh?”

Ash didn’t catch on to the tone of her voice and answered it without much thought, “Yeah, like ‘we’re on the same team so we sometimes go out for dinner’ kind of good friend.”

“Mkay…”

“What?”

“Nothing, just said okay,” Whit pretended as if she didn’t know what Ash was asking, “Anyway, so how long are you staying here for?”

“I’m on a red-eye tonight. SO, we should make the best out of it today!” Ash insisted.

The two went out for brunch, boarded a little around the neighborhood, and Whit took Ash to the Dash’s stadium for a tour. Then, the two of them went to a nearby pool and chilled under the shade. It was like the good old days for them. And, before they knew it, it was dinnertime. The two of them had spend all day catching up on what Ash was going to do next with her life and what Whit wanted to do to make next season better.

Dinner was casual too. Ash wanted to get some good Mexican so the two of them went to grab some burritos at Whit’s usual Mexican restaurant.

“Say it,” Ash said as she took a bite out of her burrito.

“Say what?” White responded.

“I know you want to say something.”

“Well, then I’m sure you already know what I’m going to say so I’ll pretend like I said it and that you understood it as well,” Whit responded with sass.

Whit looked at her friend for a long time, swallowed what was in her mouth and took a sip of her coke, “I know why you’re here and all the round about sweet talk that you’ve been doing. And, you know better than to ask questions so you’ve been just waiting for me to accidentally spill something. Ash, we’ve been best friends forever. Don’t think I know this game man?” Whit said as she gave it a small laugh after that last word.

“Haha,” Ash laughed softly, “Was it that obvious?”

“I mean yeah, duh. Even a child would know what you’re trying to do,” Whit replied as she lightly tapped Ash’s shoulders from across. “And the reason why I’m not worried and I’m not saying anything is because I know you know what to do. Because I know you’re heading over to D.C. tonight and do what you need to figure things out or clear things out,” there was a sense of stern but comfort in how well Whit knew Ash.

“Yeah… I just… It’s weird. It really is. And, even after the little incident in D.C. a while ago, I thought it was just a coincidence that Ali just happened to be in my dreams and all but… I kept a box of things before I left and I remember writing to you and Sarah but I found an extra packaged that was addressed to Ali… And, I don’t know what to think about it,” Ash said as she pulled out a small package from her bag and handed to Whit.

Whit picked it up, “This is why you came, huh?” She asked.

“Yeah. I figured it’s time. Only problem is that I remember writing it to you and am very sure that I was to give it to you when I was back BUT I don’t remember what the letter is about or what is in the package. I gave Sarah her package while I was in Portland. She hasn’t said anything so I guess it’s nothing really that important? Haha probably me just apologizing, I guess for leaving. I don’t know. But that’s yours so open it when I’m gone.”

“All right… So, you have one more and it’s for Ali?”

“I guess. It says Ali Krieger on it,” Ash shrugged.  By now, it was more of a curiosity than anything. She just wanted to know why Ali lingered about in her head and her memory when she couldn’t find any relevance between the two other than D.C. and soccer…

The two spent just watching some T.V. and playing FIFA. Honestly, it was scary how much the body remembered that the head couldn’t. Ashlyn still kicked Whit’s ass in FIFA and the two spent the rest of the remaining time with her best friend like they were back in college, bickering back and forth like and old married couple. When it was time for Ash to head out, Whit drove her to the airport.

“Hey, you sure? I can just park the car and meet you inside,” Whit told Ash again.

“It’s fine. Head home. I’ll be fine, plus I’ll have some time to think about all this…” Ash assured her friend as she got out of the front seat.

“Mkay, well call me if you need anything, okay? Even if IT IS narcissistic,” Whit was mocking Ash in a way.

“Haha okay, I will. Thanks Whit. For everything,” Ash said as she closed the door and peered into the car from the window now.

“I know,” Whit smiled back. The defender watched her friend walk into the departure hall.

When Whit got home, she settled herself on the couch and picked up the package and started opening it.

 

Dear Whitney,

 

Hi best friend. You know out of all the people you’re the person I feel the guiltiest. You’ve saved me once and here you are trying to help me and the only thing I’m doing is pushing you away, getting mad at you, acting all annoyed at you, and everything else that I should be to you… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t even have the courage to say this in front of you.

Alex moved out yesterday. I told her that I couldn’t see her anymore and can’t stand her. I told her that it was her fault that the explosion happened and that she had no right to be mad at me for kissing that other girl at the bar nights before the accident. I told her that if she was any more selfish than she is now, she would probably be asking me to just put on an act for her just so she would be okay. I said so many things and I can’t take them back. As much as I’m going away because of everything that has happened with Tara –I found out the little girl’s name finally— and the explosion, I think I’ve underestimated how I feel about Alex. I’m in love with her… And what used to be the butterflies and flowers of her are pain and hatred that I can’t suppress. I can’t figure out why I’m exactly mad at her or why I feel so much love and hate at the same time. I hate her because I love her and that’s really fucked up.

It’s confusing for me too right now… I don’t know why a letter that I wrote to explain how I wish I could stay and explain why I was so angered and felt guilty is all about Ali but I think that’s the truth. I think that’s what I’ve been fighting and I just haven’t been able to accept it. I’ve so strongly believed that I would be able to just ignore everything that it has come all the way to what it is today. It’s probably my fault that I’m where I am and I’m really mad at myself.

I just want to forget everything and move on. Like, I’ve done that before. Remember in college?  I was in love. I was a mess but I eventually got passed it. And, this time it just so happened to be one of my friends and I think it’ll take time… A lot of time. I know you understand and now it is that thankful part.

Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for putting up with me and throwing a punch at me when I need some sense knocked into me. Thank you for pushing me and keeping me close all the time. Thank you for being the sturdy pillar I can always go back to. Thank you for being so patient and understanding me better than I do myself. And, thank you for taking care of her. I know you have because you know that’s what I wanted to ask you but I didn’t because I knew you knew. Thank you for loving me and always taking care of me best friend.

Love,

Ash

 

It wasn’t that Whit didn’t know that Ash was in love with Ali. It wasn’t that Whit didn’t want Ash to admit that she was in love with her friend. However, it also wasn’t like this that Whit wanted her best friend to realize that she was in love. But the letter was written five years ago and Ash didn’t remember this. Perhaps this is a new given opportunity in which Ash could find the right way to remember that she was and maybe even still in love with her friend. Yes, the letter was much sweeter than bitter.

Ash had finally landed in D.C. it was around 6 in the morning when she landed. She had already told Niki that she would be coming; Ashlyn insisted that she take a cab since Niki just got back from an unfortunate loss from Seattle the evening before. The cab ride was rather familiar as Ash recalled the days she would fly back from home on weekends during her time with the Spirit. As the cab pulled into Niki’s driveway, Ash thanks the driver and walked towards the Niki’s house; she still lived in the same place as five years ago.

There was a note on the door:

 

You know what to do. I love you and I’ve missed you but I need my beauty sleep. Just make yourself comfortable. CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU (WHEN I WAKE UP)!!!  


Ashlyn laughed at the note. It was very Niki. Ashlyn slowly reached for the key under the fourth flowerpot on the floor. She opened and immediately, she was greeted with a familiar sense: sports deodorant with a mixture of smelly soccer boots in the doorway.

“Smells like home,” Ash whispered quietly with a smile on her face. Ash made herself comfortable on the couch as she was just as tired from the redeye and it was still before 7.

Three hours later, Ash was awakened by a heavy weight pressing on top of her. At first she thought it was another nightmare but it was the defender with the mullet.

“ASHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Niki said as she made herself on top of the blonde.

“This isn’t fair you know? I can’t wake you up but, you can?!” Ash asked in a jokingly annoyed tone.

“DUH! It’s my place!” Niki answered with a laugh.

“Just when Molly isn’t here. I heard it was her name on the lease anyway…” Ash fought back.

“Whaaa? How do you know that?” Niki said a little surprised.

“Haha because I called her to ask if it was okay for me to stay?”

“Oh! So you call my girlfriend if you can stay here but think it’s okay to just barge in when it comes to me?”

“I mean, you’re whipped. You can’t do much,” Ashlyn laid out the truth.

And, there wasn’t much denying, “Haha, unfortunately you’re right Harris.”

“You know it,” Ash said as the two got up and gave each other a proper hug.

“So, you’re sure about this?” Niki didn’t wait to get to the point.

“Yeah, I think so. It’s been bothering me since I got back and finding this package didn’t help,” Ash said as she reached in to grab the last package of the trip and laid it on the table in front of her. “If I wrote something to her and it was in the box with the other things, I’m guessing that it’s worth the delivery or that there was a good reason I left one for her… even though I can’t remember,” Ash said with a shrug. It was rather weird that Niki was more nervous than Ash was about this whole situation. Ashlyn was just curious to know why in the world Ali was everywhere she went.

Niki understood and after everything Ashlyn had gone through and played through all the possible scenarios in which Ash would regain her memory this was definitely one of the best cases. So, Niki had agreed to help Ash out and called Ali over to her place without telling the defender.

That afternoon, Niki was getting ready to leave, “Okay, so if you need anything you make sure you call me,” Niki almost said in a demanding way.

“I know I will. What are you expecting?” Ash said with a soft chuckle.

Niki pursed her lips and nodded and left her place, leaving Ash by herself for another half an hour.

Ash was nervous. She didn’t know why but it just caught her off guard as she heard the front door bell ring as she paced herself. However, Ash didn’t move. She stood still. She waited for what seemed like forever when she finally heard the door lock turn and the door open.

“NIK! Geez, you in the shower again?! Haha Anyway I just let myself….” The pairs of eyes met another, “…in… Ash?” Ali said as she looked surprised and puzzled at the unexpected guest at Niki’s.

“Hi…” Ash said with an eerie look.

“Umm… What are you doing here?” Ali asked immediately.

“I… Um….” Ash didn’t know where to start. She didn’t know if it was the right thing to just say that Niki had set her up for this or try to make a casual conversation BEFORE she told her that… The silence between them prolonged a little longer.

“You, ummm, what?” Ali was now demanding an answer.

 _What the fuck, just go with it_ Ash told herself, “I asked Niki to arrange this for us…” Ali was confused as she stood there. This girl who didn’t remember a thing about them or anything was standing in front of her telling her that she asked their mutual friend to arrange a “meet.”

“What do you mean?” Ali really wanted to believe that this was something different but she didn’t want to get her hopes up and her wheels started to turn, “Oh… Ash, if you were worried about last time you were here in D.C. You don’t have to. I just—”

Ashlyn cut the girl off. She approached her as she picked up the package that was on the coffee table, “Yes and no. I’m really here to give you this…” Ash said as she handed over the package. She realized there was no point of stalling all this since she really didn’t have anything to lose other than a memory that was already plenty a blur.

Ali took the package in front of her from Ash’s hand and stared at it, “What is it?” She asked.

Ash took a deep breath. She looked straight into Ali’s eyes and didn’t break their gaze. “It’s something I found in a box I left before I left for the cabin. Things have all been a blur and to be honest... especially you. But, I realized after our short interaction and all that weird familiarity you have with all the people I’m close with that I’m missing something. And, that’s when I realized that I had that for you,” Ash said as she pointed at the package in Ali’s hand.

“I don’t remember what I wrote or even writing it to you. I’m sorry but for some reason I can’t remember anything about you, or us, other than the fact that we played soccer together and used to go grab a drink or two on weekends. I’m sorry Ali… But whatever I’m missing, I guess it’s there in that package… I didn’t open it because I wrote it for you, not me.”

Ali stood still as she stared down at the package in her hand.

“I’m sorry that I asked Niki to do this but I didn’t know what the right thing would be in this case. It seems like you remember something and everyone else does too but I don’t… And, I’m really sorry about it and especially for anything else that I’ve done… I’m sorry if I hurt you,” Ash was sincere about that. She didn’t know what but she felt as if she owed Ali an apology. She didn’t know a thing about the other girl but she felt like there was a need to start things over between the two of them. She didn’t know how things would end up after this talk but she felt like Ali would appreciate her telling her all this perhaps, “nonsense.”

That’s when Ali started crying. She started sobbing. Ash didn’t know what it was that triggered the defender to do so but she stood there awkwardly for few seconds before she took a step closer to Ali. However, the proximity between the two just left Ali running out to the balcony, leaving a much puzzled Ash in side staring back at the defend who was crying her heart out as she crouched on the floors holding tightly to the package.

It had be thirty minutes since Ali had been out on her own in the balcony as Ash watched her from the inside. The blonde didn’t want to just barge over and intrude the girl’s privacy, it didn’t feel right. As Ash saw Ali compose herself onto the chair outside, she then decided to walk out and join the other girl.

She carefully slid the door open and sat on the other chair across from Ali. Ali didn’t acknowledge Ash’s coming out to the balcony; she just continued to stare out into some open space, with her arms wrapped around her knees while holding on to the package.

“Hey…” Ash carefully threw it out there, “I’m sorry…”

Ali then shifted her gaze to the package she was holding in her hand. “No, you shouldn’t be. I am… I should be the one apologizing…” It sounded like admittance to Ash.

Ash pursed her lips, “Well, apology accepted then,” She smiled ironically.

Ash’s reply caught her by surprise. Ali expected more questions but there were none and Ash caught this sense of confusion on the brunette’s face.

“Ali, I don’t remember anything. I can’t console you because I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to you. But, if you’re apologizing then I’m going to just assume that you have good reasons to do so and I forgive you,” Ash said with a small smile. There was a long pause in which neither one of them looked at each other. Ash started talking again.

“All I remember is that I wasn’t in a happy place when I left for the cabin. Whatever I wrote in that letter to you or to Sarah or to Whit was probably just full of anger. I won’t lie that I haven’t thought about what possibly could have happened between us or what you could have done or what I have done but, after five years living by myself, I’m not that person anymore. I’m not angry nor do I have the strength and time to waste on anger… I really thought about it. I really thought about it… I really thought what possibly could have happened. I had possible imaginations that you cheated on my then girlfriend that I can’t remember or stole something or stole my position on the field but that’s impossible or that you hurt someone I love. But, everything that I have thought about is impossible because I have everyone I love right next to me and everyone I love really likes you and if you cheated on my girlfriend who I can’t remember I can clearly see that you’re not with her either so…” Ash shrugged her shoulders and let out a defeated chuckle.

“… I can’t think of anything. All I know is that you were there during the explosion and that’s only because Chris told me…”

Ali slowly lifted her head and looked up. She had tears in her eyes. Ashlyn who noticed the tears slowly building up under hear eyes, reached over to wipe them off before they started to stream down Ali’s face.

“Hey, it’s okay. Ali, don’t cry,” Ash comforted the brunette.

Ali didn’t know how to take this about. She didn’t know what to say or to do. What does this mean and what does this change? Does it even change anything? Ash still didn’t remember anything so how would it change anything? “Ash… I just…” Ali finally let out.

Ash wait for the girl to finish but the only thing that seemed to be growing were the number of tear drops streaming down the defender’s face. “Ali, it’s okay. It’s okay,” Ash assured her again as she wiped more tears off.

Then, Ash cupped Ali’s face. “Hey, look at me,” Ash asked Ali politely in a gentle voice, “You don’t have to say anything. I think I got what I came looking for,” Ash smiled with Ali’s face still in her hands.

“I came here not so much because things were bothering me in a sense that it was irritating and annoying but I came here because I was curious. I was curious to why you are so often in my dreams and to why you reacted the way you did that day at the hospital and to why no body else can tell me what was between you and me. But, I think I get it…” Ash gave Ali a sweet small smile as she let go of the defender’s face.

“My memory may have been impaired but my memories of myself –of who I am and what I am like— I have not forgotten. If I were to make a rough guess, I probably had feelings for you and I couldn’t get over myself to admit that I did and I just ended up screwing it up altogether, no?” Ash jokingly confessed as she laughed at what she had just said to the girl in front of her.

Ali was quiet because Ash was pretty spot-on and the brunette had a slight moment in which she thought maybe Ash’s memory was back.

“I don’t remember anything but I just have a gut feeling that if it was anything then that could be something that may have happened…” Ash was now talking to herself, not noticing Ali’s facial expressions.

Ash secretly was waiting for Ali to reply but the girl never ended up saying anything so Ash continued, “Anyway, I just want to give you that. I think that’s my last obligation for this long trip that I’ve been on,” Ash smiled at Ali.

“I’m really sorry for what I did to you and I accept and forgive you for anything else that you feel bad about. I just want to start all over again though, if you’re okay with that,” Ash said carefully as she held out her hand to Ali.

Ali really didn’t know how to react. This was all so fast and all so unexpected but she took the hand. “Anyway, I’m going to go for a walk but you’re welcome to stay,” Ash said as she smiled and gave Ali a nod before she left the defender by herself and walked out the apartment for her walk.

Ali was left by herself and the tears started to roll down her cheeks again. They were inevitable. She couldn’t help it. She was happy that she was kind of getting her friend back but it also meant that Ash didn’t remember anything of what they had, the late night ice-cream runs, the movie marathons, the long-night drives Ash took her when she had bad dates, the first time she introduced her parents to her then boyfriend and spilled punch all over his pants, and just so many more good memories that defined their friendship.

An hour after Ashlyn left her out on the balcony, Ali realized the package in her hand. She slowly reached out for it and started to unwrap the package. There were several things that Ali recognized under the letter that was folded on top of the things. She gently picked up the letter and opened it…

Dear Alex,

 

I don’t know where to start and I especially don’t even what to say. I would usually start with an apology but I don’t think I have anything to be sorry for… And that’s why I didn’t write to you or call you before I left. Right now, there is so much anger in me that I have no idea where it is coming from. I know you said you didn’t feel the same and I said that that’s fine, that I was used to rejection, especially from a straight girl. I know I didn’t expect anything from you. You just said no and that was fine. I know we were fine being friends and things were normal; we really made the friend thing. But, thinking back now, we were both so good at pretending we didn’t even know that we were. When you got upset at me, I thought it was my fault. I thought I led you on which is why I was sorry. But, I didn’t have any obligation to be true to my feelings, especaily because you made it so clear that you didn’t feel that way. I was moving on and I didn’t have to be at your every whim. I just felt used as if you wanted me to like you for the attention. Whether you think that is a rational thought for me to have or not is not of my concern and I’m sorry if I’m sounding egoistic but I need to fend for myself. I can’t be altruistic right now. I’m going to be selfish. I’m going to be me and move on.

I told everyone and even myself that I’m leaving because of the guilt of that little girl, and I am. I feel terrible. There is no way I will ever be able to make it up to her family for what I did for my carelessness. However, it hurts me and I’m even more disappointed at myself that I know the other reason I’m going away is because of you. Because, I can’t stand to play this “make Alex happy” game. I lied to you and myself and it’s only hitting me now. I don’t like you, I’m in love with you. I wish I had never told you, so you wouldn’t have to question yourself. That is not how I want you to like me back, if you ever have liked me even. I don’t want me to be the trigger point. If you can’t see it or yourself then, it’s almost as good as not seeing what it is. When you like someone, you just do. I don’t believe in that fairy tale crap that you miss the stuff in front of you because it’s so close. Regardless of how far or close, you don’t miss feelings or moments like that.

But, I am sorry that I couldn’t tell you all this before I left. I couldn’t Alex. I couldn’t even stand to be around you because it was just pure pain. The reason I’m telling you this now is because if I’m sending you this letter, I’ve figured myself out and we’ve all moved on. And, I’m returning what I thought could be mine. I can’t promise you that we’ll be the best friends we have been but I hope we can sit and have a cup of coffee without feeling like it’s an obligation to do so. I am sorry that I put you through all this turmoil by telling you how I felt towards you. If I could, I would take it all back. However, I want you to know that regardless to whether I’m in love with you or not, I will always love you.

 

Yours truly,

       Ashlyn

 

Ali was balling her eyes out. The letter was five years too late… Too late because she was so busy ignoring and playing along being normal five years ago that she couldn’t see what was in front of her. And when she did, it was too late…

Under the letter were three things: a hoodie, a bracelet, and a box… Three things Ali didn’t want them back…


	7. If I ask, will it change anything?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I have been MIA, I really have been busy. I hope you guys haven't forgotten the plot or are still enjoying the read as you did! Let me know what you guys think!

_“Ash! Give it back! It’s really cold out!” Ali was chasing Ash around the dining table as Ash was trying to put the hoodie on._

_“Haha you ain’t getting it back!” Ash said as she finally came to a stop as she got done putting the hoodie on, “Plus, it was never yours so I can’t give it back to you!”_

_“That’s not fair! You gave it to me last Christmas for my CHRISTMAS PRESENT!” Ali said with a pout._

_“Well that was when I was trying to make you a TarHeel and now you’re just gonna take it and burn it because we won! Hahaha,” that was Ashlyn’s way of making fun of PSU’s loss against UNC._

_Ali gasped in exaggeration, “I would ever!”_

_However, Ashlyn saw right through the fake surprised look and Ali knew she knew, “Ohhhh yeah? You would have fooled me!” Ash said as Ali crashed into her. This wasn’t something new. They were always this close._

_“Haha, I would never burn it. You know that. Maybe sweep the floor with it and dry off Al with it you know?” Ali said with the devilish sweet smile._

_“Right…..,” Ash said as she unconvincingly nodded and wrapped her arms around the girl, “I’m going to keep it just in case. I’ll give it back when I think you deserve it back. But for now the sweeping and the drying of Al can be done with…” Ash slowly finished it off as she pushed Ali away from her and ran towards the PSU hood on the recliner and picked it up, “With this! Your Christmas gift to me!”_

_“ASHLYN HARRIS! DON’T YOU DARE!!!” Ash yelled as she chased after the blond back into the kitchen._

It was that hoodie. It was the same PSU hoodie she gave Ashlyn. It was the PSU hoodie she had worn during her collegiate years. It was a hoodie that carried so many memories and meaningful moments of her college soccer days. And, Ashlyn knew back then why Ali had given her that particular hoodie, the worn off hoodie that was almost stretched to its max. Even though Ali’s reasoning behind her giving the blond that particular hoodie was so Ashlyn remembered how PSU dominated and won conference, Ash knew that wasn’t all the reason; the hoodie was something Ali treasured. Ali treasured the years of soccer, the game, the wins and losses, and basically something that helped her be who she is right now. Therefore, it was Ali opening up and sharing a part of her that was very important…

_“I ask you to get something cool and you this is what you bring back?! Alex, you know that we have palm trees in Florida too, right?” Ashlyn said in disbelief of the palm tree leaves that Ali brought back from the Bahamas._

_“Ash, you said something that represented the place. I mean literally that was it. Palm trees, the sun, sand, and seafood. Here, you want some of this?” Ali said as she shook her flip flops from her bag as she collected the dried sand that was coming off._

_“Seriously? You’re impossible. You couldn’t get me like a nice bracelet or anything? I mean, thanks for the palm tree leaves,” Ash said with defeat and a soft chuckled as she stared at the dried palm tree leaves._

_Ali just smiled at the puzzled girl and she walked towards her, “Fine. Here. Better?” Ali had quickly braided the palm leaves into a bracelet and tied it around Ashlyn’s wrist._

_Ashlyn laughed at Ali’s innovated mind, “You’re lucky you’re fast on your feet you know that?”_

_“What do you mean? I was going to do that all along. It’s a one of a kind you know? Plus, you don’t even know anything about that palm tree.”_

_“Oh wow, you’re so smooth with your words too. Damn, what happened to my Alex?” Ashlyn laughed._

_“I’m serious!” Ali fought back._

_“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Ash knew there was some truth in Ali’s confession. Ali wouldn’t have just brought her a palm tree leaf for nothing._

There was something about that tree. As Ali spent her days under the tree, it gave her comfort and tranquility. It was the perfect spot, just like her spot next to Ash. It was stupid and silly and clichéd but it was the truth. As weird as it seemed, unconsciously that is, the only thing Ali thought about was to come back with Ashlyn next time around.

Then the box…

 

_“So…. are you going to tell me why you’re doing this? Like I don’t understand. You sleep around so much I wonder if the girl leaving your room in the morning is same girl I saw walking into your room the night before,” Ali stated in read confusion as she walked into the store with Ashlyn._

_“I told you. You won’t and don’t believe me so this is me showing you how serious I am,” Ash said with determination._

_Ali was still in disbelief, wondering if her friend had really gone nuts. She must be because they walked into the store where things weren’t just about Gatorade and health bars. Ashlyn was about to spend a lot of money… just to prove a point?_

_“Ash, you’re NOT going to buy an engagement ring! That’s stupid! You don’t even have girlfriend! Fine! I believe you! You don’t have to prove anything anymore,” Ali tried to convince the blond._

_“No, you don’t and I meant it. I’m going get an engagement ring today. And it’s not just you who I want to proveI want to fall in love and I want to be ready when I am. I want her to know that this ring that I’m going to buy is something I’ve been waiting to give her for a very long time. I want her to know that it’s not so much of an engagement ring but a token of trust and love. I want her to know that the reason a poor women’s soccer player spent this much money was because nothing can be too expensive for her. I want her to know that me giving her this is promising her a life long companion who's her best friend, a shoulder to cry on, a sandbag she can punch to let off steam. This is me promising her much more than some marital agreement. And, I want her to know that I’m not lying because I was here with my best friend: You. So, you’re really just my witness,” Ash let out a chuckle as she said that and walked in._

_“How can I help you?” The man behind the counter asked with a smile._

_“I’m looking for an engagement ring?” Ash replied._

_“Of course, do you have s design or a stone or anything in mind?”_

_“Ummm, I don’t know. Ali, what do you say?” Ash turned to Ali for some consultation._

_“I don’t know, don’t ask me. It’s your ring,” Ali said as she held up both of her hands up motioning that she had nothing to do with this._

_“Ugh, you’re so difficult. Um…. Do you have maybe a selection that I can pick out from?” Ash asked quizzically._

_“Yes, we sure do. Just a second,” The man said as he walked towards a room to bring back a small box._

_When the man returned he showed the selection and Ashlyn was now in awe. They were beautiful and as much as Ali was totally disapproving of all this, the princess in her couldn't be stopped. Before she knew it, she was trying on the rings and helping Ash pick out her future engagement ring._

_“So, that’s the one, huh?” Ali asked as Ashlyn carefully held the square cute diamond ring in her hands._

_“Yeah, I think so. What do you say princess, you think she’ll like it?” Ash asked mindlessly._

_“Uh, sure if I knew her. Oh, wait, I don’t because I haven’t met her because you DON’T even have a girlfriend!” Ali said a little louder._

_This definitely got a look from the man across from them and Ashlyn just turned and gave her a smile, “Okay now princess, don’t act like you weren’t having fun. I saw you put those rings on. Actually, ALL those on. So, stop being so bitter and tell me. You think she’ll like it?” Ash asked again but this time there was so much sincerity._

_Ali couldn't anymore. She just had to give in because she knew her best friend was not about to changer mind. So, putting everything aside in terms of how stupidly crazy Ash was Ali replied, “No. I think she’ll love it.”_

_Ash just smiled back and nodded. She didn’t even ask how much the thing was and just asked for it. The man asked for a size and Ash said she heard something about how if your significant other’s ring finger was the same as your pinky you were like a match made in heaven so she ordered the ring to fit her pinky finger; also, if it didn’t fit, she could always get it resized._

Now, that box was in her very hands. Ali was holding that very box they picked up a week after they ordered it. She didn’t know what that meant so she opened it and there was another note.

 

I told you, I love you. I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m not even asking you to love me back the way I’m in love with you. I just want you to understand what this ring means to me and why I’m giving it to you. People say you fall in love several times in your lifetime. I agree. However, I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love with someone the way I did with you which is why if I’m being honest with myself, I should be giving you this to you and no one else. It’s yours. You can do whatever you want with it, I don’t want it back.

 

As Ali finished reading the note, tears started streaming down her face. Was it too late?

Ashlyn finally felt some weight off her shoulders. It was for the first time that she felt like this. There were still a shit ton of questions she wanted answers to but this was the best she could do. As she mindlessly walked down the street she ended up at nearby park. She got herself comfortable on the bench table. This whole thing to her didn’t make sense. She couldn't save herself to understand what was really going on with her and Ali or what happened between her and Ali. As she sat there thinking that’s when she heard her name.

“Ashlyn…” It was soft and sweet. Ashlyn turned around and that’s when she saw Ali, standing with the letter in her hand and tears still running down her cheeks.

“Ali… what are you doing here? How’d you know—” Then it hit Ash. It was probably “the place” she went to before she lost her memory, memory Ali knew and everyone else knew except her.

“Never mind, you don’t have to answer that. Are you okay thought?” Ash asked carefully with genuine concern as she got off the table and made her way over to Ali.

“No, stop. Don’t come any closer! I’m not okay! I’m not okay damn it Ashlyn! I’m not okay because you don’t remember anything about us or me for that matters! I’m not okay because I’m mad at this whole situation that I created and am frustrated out of my mind because I can’t fix it! I’m also definitely not okay because no matter how many times I try to apologize or explain anything, you won’t get it! Because you’ll keep saying that you forgive me without knowing what I did to you!” Ali stood there sobbing, starring at Ashlyn who was starting to take her steps closer towards her.

“Ali—”

“I said don’t! Don’t Ashlyn,” Ali said defensively. The truth was that there was nothing she wanted more than for Ashlyn to hold her. But, she also knew that, the instant that happened, she would start hoping. She would start hoping for something that had no hope.

However, the Ashlyn five years ago was still there: never listening to others but just following her gut. There was something was Ali, always. Whether it was the dreams she dreamt about her or Al who followed her all around or the moment right before the gas explosion or the package she found addressed to Ali, there was something about the girl that Ash was familiar with. So, she ignored Ali and walked straight to Ali and held her tight in her arms.

“Shhhhhhhhh. It’s okay. Let it all out. I got you. Shhhhhhh,” Ash said as she comforted Ali.

It all happened so quick Ali didn’t even have time to push her away and by the time Ashlyn had her arms around her, it was too late. It felt too right for her to push Ash away. So instead, she let herself be engulfed by the hug.

They stayed liked that until Ali started to calm down. Ash had guided Ali back to the bench she was sitting on, all the while, never letting go of Ali; Ash had her arms tightly around Ali’s shoulder. For what seemed like hours, Ali finally got herself together and when she did she slowly moved her focus to Ashlyn.

As the blond starred down at Ali with a soft small smile, Ali couldn’t help it. She reached for Ashlyn’s face and cupped it.

“I just can’t believe it… I can’t believe that the one time I find myself lost and confused, I acted impetuously and the next thing I know is that you lost your memory… of us… of me… and there is no way to make it right…” With that Ali brought her hands back down to her side and her head sunk low, her eyes on the ground.

What Ashlyn was about to do, was definitely unexpected. Ash lifted Ali’s face and locked their gaze. She was beautiful even with her smeared mascara. She was beautiful.

“Look at me Alexandra. I can’t lie and I won’t lie. I can’t remember us or you but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe whatever was wrong wasn’t worth the trouble and this is the second chance to redo all that or restore all that. For all I know you haven’t done anything that can’t be forgiven because obvious everyone I love, loves you which also means that you didn’t hurt me. Am I curious about what’s in that letter? Yes. However, do I want to know? Not really. I don’t want you to fill me in on things because that would be us trying to build with the broken pieces that only you hold in your hands. Whoever wrote that is not the same me which means that it’s time to move on. And, I’d really like to get to know you again. And I’m sure Al would like that too because he can’t get enough of you. I You don’t get to redo things but we do. So can we try that?” Ash asked carefully as she did her signature eyebrow look.

It was impossible for Ali to not let out a small laugh. She nodded as she looked at the blond. Ash realized five years ago that she was in love with Ali and today, Ali realized there was no way she could not be in love with this woman in front of her.


	8. With All Problems, There Are More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's might sound really choppy. I've been having writer's block and I kind of had an angle then I feel like I lost it... We'll see how it plays out though. Thanks for reading!

“So……? How’d it go?” She asked very carefully.

“First, I hate you. Second, thank you…” Ali said quietly in her pensive mood.

“First, I know. Second, you’re welcome. Ali, there was no way I could back out and it was a good sign that she wanted to reach out to you,” Niki explained. After Ashlyn had walked back to Niki’s with Ali from the park, Ali immediately called Niki to meet her at her house.

“It was… emotional. I mean… overwhelming? I don’t know Nik… It’s hard to fight for something that only you know it exists… I… yeah… I don’t know…” Ali sounded deflated and there was not hint of hope in her voice.

“Five years? I mean, she’s not going to remember anything. Yes, everyone around me has been telling me that she forgot everything, and nothing was my fault and now this way, we can start something from the very scratch but that’s not us. That wouldn’t be us. I wouldn’t be able to… just ignore all that like the way she can’t ignore the fact that she’s a different person,” Ali stated.

“Ali,” Niki said as she sat herself next to the brunette, “What happened? I honestly don’t know what happened between you guys. I know she’s good at forgetting. The Ashlyn I knew was so good at forgetting and moving on it was not even a thing she had to think about. She would tell me she likes someone and then realized that that person was just flirting because of the attention and Ash would just move on without looking back. At first, I thought it was her shield… like, as if she didn’t want to get hurt so she forced herself to think that it’s okay. However, I later found out that that wasn’t the case. Like she actually was so good at moving on. Not to be funny but she was like that forgetful Tom in 50 first dates. But you know what? The day she told me she liked was the same day she told me that you didn’t feel that way and that it was nothing new to her. And, I saw it. It was different. She wasn’t okay with it. For all I know, I know that you saw it too. So, what happened? Why did she go from being all okay with pretending to not okay?” Niki had always been so curious. She knew that Ash wasn’t okay –meaning, she wasn’t really able to move on and surpress her feelings for Ali, it was different—however, she also found it very strange of Ashlyn’s behavior towards Ali after the accident. It was hostile and vitriolic. There was no sense of mercy for the girl who had also gone through the same trauma as she did after the explosion.

Ali contemplated. She hadn’t told anyone about it and perhaps it was because no body had the guts to ask her till now. She sighed and looked up to Niki, “I…,” Ali sighed.

“Ali, it’s okay tell me,” Niki assured her.

“I…. kissed her…. Drunk,” Ali confessed. Niki was not expecting that.

“You like kissed-kissed her?” Niki asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, I did… But Niki I was so confused. I didn’t know what it was. I would feel this anger inside of me everytime I saw her with someone else… And…. I was drunk and I was confused but I couldn’t tell her that I was confused after I had already told her that I didn’t feel like that. What would that make me? I would have been a hypocrite… Niki, I…” Ali took a deep breath after her ramble and paused.

“Slow down Al, I’m not going anywhere. So you kissed her….”

“It must have been like a month or two after she had told me that she liked me. And like you know, we pretended like we didn't have the conversation. She brought home girls every so often as she always had and they would walk out every morning from her room like they always have. But, it was different. I was starting to judge her from what she had been doing all this time. I never once had a problem and now it was bothering me. So, one night we all went out for drinks, Jones, Ash, Lori, Narine, and one of Ash’s girls was at the bar so she just hung around.

“It seemed fine at first, before the alcohol that was. But the tipsier I got it bothered me more that Ash would have her hands all around this girl, woeing her. Knowing how she was treating the girl like she was the only girl in this world only to know that she was trying to get into her pants. It disgusted me. And it bothered me more that she would glace a look towards me every so often with her sleazy smile of hers… So I drank more.

“It got to a point where I was so drunk to even pay attention to what was going on and then this girl approached me and started flirting so I said why not. As we got ready to leave the girl gave me her number and she kissed me. At first I was caught off guard and felt like I was being intruded or something but then from the corner of my eye I saw Ashlyn making out with her girl and I just went for it. I said screw this and kissed her back. Ashlyn saw it and she came over and pulled the girl away because she thought I was being assaulted I guess.

“Then, shit went down from there. I got mad at her for not minding her business and she was confused to what was going on so I got on a cab and she followed me behind on another cab back to our place. And when we got home…

 

_“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Ali was furious she was yelling at Ashlyn as she threw her house keys on to the kitchen counter turned around to see a confused worried Ashlyn._

_“Alex… I just…”_

_“You just what? Wanted to protect me? Wanted to make sure I was ‘okay,’” Ali talked back, “You know what? I didn’t need it. I don’t need you to do that stuff from me!”_

_“Alex, what’s wrong with you? I’m your friend! Of course I’m going to worry about you, especially when I know that you’re straight and some girl is suck your face!”_

_“You don’t think I can have some fun with ‘your’ people!?” Ali said it and if she were drunk she would have never even said it but it came out and there was no way of taking it back. However, Ashyln didn’t even catch that because she knew that Ali was drunk and she wouldn’t say suck a thing unless she was trying to piss her off._

_“Alex, tell me what’s wrong. I don’t get what is wrong with you. I must have done something wrong because you’ve been looking at with so scornfully the past few weeks and I can’t really understand what I did,” Ash said calmly. She wasn’t looking for an argument and she definitely didn’t expect what was to come next._

_Ali had roughly grabbed Ashlyn’s face and crashed their lips together. It was almost as if Ashlyn had lost balance the moment their lips met. Ash’s eyes got wide and as Ali continued to suck and lick and kiss Ashlyn, Ashlyn just stood there phased by what was happening._

_It took Ashlyn to realize what was happening. She then quickly pushed Ali away from her and grabbed her by her arms and stopped her, “ALEXANDRA KRIEGER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!” Ali ignored everything and she tried to kiss Ashlyn again but in her inebriated state, she couldn’t fight Ashlyn’s hold out with much force._

_“ALEX! Talk to me! What is going on?!” Ashlyn was still holding on to Ali._

_Ali just stared back at her, slipped out of Ashlyn’s grip and once she did that she got herself out of her black dress. In just her lacy black bra and matching underwear she gave Ashlyn a seductive look and pulled Ashlyn by her cardigan back towards her room. Ashlyn was just dumbfounded by Ali’s action and just went with it and when they reached Ali’s room, Ali whispered into her ears, “Just fuck me will you? I know you want to,” and she got herself comfortable on her bed._

_Ashlyn didn’t know what the fuck was going on but she walked up to the bed and sat on the edge. She looked at Ali with much pity and confusion. Also, she wasn’t about to “fuck” her friend. She knew something was wrong and that Ali was drunk. She convinced Ali that she was she would come back after she got changed. Kissed Ali on her forehead and went to her room to change. By the time Ashlyn got back, Ali was asleep. She was definitely drunk and Ashlyn was convinced that Ali must have been possessed or something because she had never seen her like this._

_It might have been a better idea to leave but Ashlyn stayed and she slept next to Ali. She covered the brunette’s body with the comforter and curled herself into a ball next to Ali, close but far enough not to be touching each other._

Ali told Nik the gist of that story, “And I was embarrassed the next morning so I pretended like I didn’t know what happened. And of course, Ash never brought it up either. So, that was that… I don’t know Nik…. It changed. It changed a lot between us because I wasn’t able to say everything I wanted to. And I can’t tell her that because it won’t make a difference. She wouldn’t understand it because she wouldn’t feel anything she would—” Someone’s phone was ringing and interrupted Ali and it wasn’t Ali’s or Niki’s...


	9. It is what it is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the updates will be more frequent! Hope you guys enjoy it and comments are always welcome! :)

“Umm Ash?!” Niki almost shouted her name out loud with surprise.

Ash just stood there convoluted and in shock. Her eyes were avoiding Ali and Niki and she was finding someone to keep her eyes on other than them, “I um…… Just umm…” Ashlyn was fiddling with Ali’s phone in her hand that she had left at Niki’s place.

“I’ll just leave it here,” Ash said quickly and she left abruptly.

“Shit. ASH! Wait will you?!” Niki said quickly as she grabbed her jacket and ran after Ashlyn. Ali was thinking no differently _So screwed… Fuck…._ Ali was panicking _When did she get here? How much did she hear? Shit, is she going to be okay?! Fuck, things seemed to be just getting better…._ There were millions of questions and thoughts running through Ali’s head and she couldn’t move.

Niki came back running back into the living room, “Shit, she ummm… just ran off… Fuck…Ali. Ali? Ali!”

Ali looked up to Niki but she couldn't move or talk. Her mouth was open but the words just didn’t spill. Her eyes were watering and the pain she had caused this girl once again devastated her.

“Ali, you listen to me. Where do you think she could have gone? Anywhere. I know it doesn’t matter whether you think you know or not. Tell me where she could have gone. I know she wants space but… She had a look on her face and I don’t know what to think about it,” Niki said as she placed herself in front of a confused and shocked Ali.

“I… uhhh.. Um… It’s…” She couldn’t get her words out. She couldn’t. Ali started to frantically think. The only thing she could think about after Niki’s insightful observation of Ashlyn’s reaction was to find Ashlyn ASAP. She then got herself up and rushed over to the kitchen counter to get her keys and ran out the door.

There were few places in her mind: the park, the building top, the stadium. Ali drove herself around town looking for Ashlyn. Every time she drove into a place her heart raced; she didn't know if it was because she was worried sick about the girl or if it was because she didn’t know how to approach her about all this. Things just seemed to be settling. Her and Ashlyn basically had an unspoken deal and chance to start over with no hard feelings and now that was out the window in a matter of 60 minutes…

It had been almost two hours since she had driven all over town but there was no sign of Ashlyn. Niki had called and said that she would call her if Ash made it back to her apartment but there weren’t any calls from Niki either. As Ali drove out from the parking lot, a place came to her mind. However, it almost seemed impossible for her to be there. There was no way. With hopes that she was wrong she hesitantly drove over to 57th Avenue. And much to her delight and fear, there she was. Ashlyn Michelle Harris, sitting on the bench on 57th Avenue in front of building 1864. The building they used to live in… The building that exploded…

Ali didn’t know how to approach the blond. She sat in her car for a long time as she starred at Ashlyn who was quietly sobbing as she tried to fight the tears from her eyes. She would stare at the now restored building and then would dip her head down to wipe the tears with the back of her hands. It was a painful thing to watch because Ali could only imagine the rush of emotions the girl might be going through. As she saw Ashlyn collect herself and now the blond was just looking at the building with a blank look.

There was never going to be a good time so Ali took the courage and got out of her car. She slowly approached Ashlyn and every step she took seemed to make her head lighter. This day was definitely nothing she had in mind. She didn’t even expect to see the blond today and there they were, again.

Ashlyn noticed a figure take a seat next to her. She knew who it was. She didn’t even have to look. She recognized the smell. She recognized the place. She recognized everything. The pain rolled back like a current and the memories flooded in as if the dam had been finally opened. It wasn’t how she wanted to “be back.” It was too late. The medical world is a harsh place as it has no cures for some diseases. However, it was a hard place as it cured you at unexpected times, perhaps even when it is not wanted.

The two sat in silence. They were unspoken words: one who didn’t know what to say and the other who had too much to say.

“I remember…” Ashlyn said quietly, it was almost a whisper, “I remember… everything. The fight, the explosion, the girl, the game, the letters, you, us, this apartment, everything… I remember everything that was just a blur to me few hours ago until I walked into you apartment,” Ashlyn shared in defeat. She was still looking straight ahead at the apartment.

“Ash, I—”

“I had just finished with a workout and you were sitting in the living room with Al asleep on your lap. I came over and kissed your forehead like I always have and asked what you did that day. I was busy trying to find some water because I was thirsty so I went straight to the fridge. I didn’t notice that you were off. I poured myself in that pottery mug you made for me and I sat myself down on the red couch Lori gave us when we moved in. I even remember the coffee stain on the left armrest.

“I finally sat myself down and as I was drinking, I grabbed the _Sports Illustrator_ on the table and flipped through it. You were still reading something and I asked you a bunch of questions and I talked about the girl who slept over the night before who I met at the club and you just said one word: repulsive.

“You blew up at me and said that this was all a joke that I was messing around with you. I honestly didn’t know why you were so angry but I knew it was my fault because you would never get angry at me for no reason, right? So, I apologized and apologized and then there it was. The explosion. Everything was in slow motion, the sound and the heat and the debris. The instant I saw dust and brick pieces flying towards us I pulled both of us down.

“The heat was unbearable and you were unconscious. I picked you up and got out of the building as soon as possible. However, when I got out I realized that Al was still in the building so I left you out and went back in. I went back into our apartment and there he was. His collar got caught on something and he was barking for his life. I quickly took his collar off and was on my way down when I heard a faint cry across from our place. It was the McPherson’s. I shoed off Al out the building and kicked into the house and saw that she was coughing her lungs out and losing conscious. She was probably asleep or something. I went over to her and assured her that everything would be fine because I would take her out. I asked if anyone was home and she said no. So I carried her out. By the time we made it out of the McPherson’s the smoke was so bad I could barely see the hallway. I did my best to cover her mouth and nose from the smoke with my hand. When we made it out, there were people attending to you and people were calling 911. I could hear you coughing so I knew you were conscious by then. I tried to wait for the ambulance but I also heard someone said that the ambulance would take another half an hour to get there because of some stupid roadblock. So, I take the girl and drive to the hospital and I remember… the car crash…” Ash’s eyes were filled with teardrops and the girl didn’t blink. She clenched her jaws and her fist that were on her lap.

“Ash…” Ali was crying now too. She slowly reached for the blond’s hand and held it but, all ever so clearly to make sure that she wasn’t intruding her space. Ashlyn didn’t move. She just sat there quietly and let her tears talk the silence.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry that I made you think that you had to apologize. I’m sorry you had to get your memory back like this. And most importantly… I’m sorry I lied to you… I know there are things that we need to—”

While it wasn’t a retraction of awkwardness, Ashlyn slipped her fist away from Ali’s hands and wiped her tears, “Alex, let’s not right now. Could you drive me back to Niki’s?” Ali nodded. She knew things were going to be different. She knew things were back to normal in the most abnormal way possible. It was as if she had woken up from a dream and she was placed back to where she had left off before she went to Vermont.

The drive was quiet. And, the silence was killing Ali because it gave her no answers and just fear and anticipation of how much things would be different “again.” On the other hand, the silence was not silent for Ashlyn. She had much to figure out, and by that, a lot to figure out about Ali. It was weird. Even after all these years, the problem came back to _her._ It wasn’t the PTSD or the girl or anything else. It was Ali. Five years later and she was still more worried about Ali than her.

If there was one thing different now was that she wasn’t angry. She wasn’t upset or devastated by lost time with soccer. She wasn’t resenting anyone or anything. She was just purely confused. The problem still remained of how to patch things up between her and Ali and she knew how Ali felt. However, it was hard to say how Ashlyn felt about Ali now. Yes, she cared. Yes, she still remembers her as her best friend. Yes, she still loved her but was she still in love with her? Perhaps, the five years made her realized that with time Ali was just like soccer, something she could move on and as if of right now, that seemed like a possible thing to Ash. Why? Because she couldn't and didn’t feel anything. She just felt numb. She felt nothing. Therefore, it wasn’t just about how to go back to being normal that Ashlyn was confused about, it was about how to be friends again after that. It was about trying to understand why she was so mad and what got her so mad after the accident if the last thing that happened before she was conscious was apologizing and being so mellow towards Ali’s reaction?

As the two drove into Niki’s townhouse, Ali didn’t know if she should turn her engine off or just put her car on park. However, it soon became evident that she should probably just drop her off when she saw Ashlyn still wordless and taking her seatbelt off. Ali was rather glad that Ashlyn didn’t say anything because Ali needed time to process what she wanted to say before she made another mistake to make the blond uncomfortable or even worse, push her off the edge. Ashlyn finally got her seatbelt off and she unlocked the door—she remembered that Ali’s passenger seat door lock was broken and was the only door the automatic lock and unlock didn’t work. As Ashlyn stepped out of the car she stopped. She turned and looked straight into Ali’s eyes and said, “I need time but I’m not mad or upset and I still mean everything I said in the letter,” and she turned around and left, closed the door and walked towards Niki’s apartment.


	10. If it isn't fate, no time will tell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is having a very Merry Christmas or a very happy holiday! I know I haven't been able to update often but I hope you guys enjoy it and the timeline of the story can be a little confusing but if you guys have questions just ask and even if it might sound choppy at times I hope you guys understand and like it! Let me know what you think!

Six months later…

 

“So how have you been Ash?” Dr. Moreno asked. Since Ashlyn’s memories came back, Ashlyn had decided to see a therapist. It wasn’t so because she needed help but she wanted to be _normal_ again. She wanted to let go of all her anger and wrath that had been built up and couldn't find their way out. And, for the most part, things were going well. She had been able to go and slowly revisit her past and been able to give them a “send off” as Dr. Moreno called it.

 

_Four months ago…_

 

Ash’s first send off was the girl. Two months into seeing Mr. Moreno, Ash went to go see the girl, Terry McPherson. It had been almost six years since they last saw each other and the last time they parted, things weren’t so great. Dr. Moreno told Ash that what she lacked the most was closure. She left everything hanging and now to be over anything, she needed to face these things one at a time. Of course, it was much easier said than done. Even though Ash learned that it wasn’t any of her doings that kept the girl in a coma for so long, it was still a hard subject matter.

Ash found out that the McPherson moved to New Jersey. So, she hopped on a plane and flew to Jersey. It was a rather breezy August day and as her cab pulled in front of the McPherson’s new house Ash was already nervous to her neck. _What am I going to say? Do I even have the rights? Do they still think it’s my fault even though the doctors said no? Does the girl have any repercussions?_ There were so many questions running through her head. Her thoughts however were broken by the driver’s voice.

“27.50 ma’am,” he said.

“Oh… yeah, here you go. Thank you sir, you drive safe,” Ash said with a small smile as she got out of the cab.

She slowly dragged her feet towards the front door. She stood in front of the door for about five minutes with her about to knock on the front door but she just couldn’t find the last strength to knock. She then turned around and started to walk away. However, as she was about to walk out the doorway, Dr. Moreno’s words rang in her ears, “You don’t have to do this. No one asked you to. So, anytime you’re walking away, you’re walking away from yourself.” They didn’t seem to really affect her before but now in that moment, she knew what he meant. This was what she wanted and it was her choice so walking away would mean that she would still be missing the pieces to put together. She turned around and was back in front of the door and she took a deep breath and knocked on the door thrice.

 

_Knock, knock, knock._

 

She could hear voices, feet hustling, and a lot of barking. For all that anyone could guess from the sounds she heard from the other side of the door, they sounded like a normal, dysfunctional, busy, happy family with a dog, a kid, two great parents, and all. While these thoughts swam through Ash’s head the door finally opened but no one was there. She was confused at first until her eyes caught a little girl standing in front of her. She looked exactly like Terry.

“Um… hi. Is this… the McPherson’s?” Ashlyn asked carefully as she got down on her knees to level with the girl.

“Yeah. My mommy is Allie McPherson and my daddy is Peter McPherson and my sister is Terry McPherson and my doggie’s name is Boxie McPherson and—”

“Honey who is it?! I told you not to open the door for strangers,” Ash heard from behind the door. It was Allie.

Allie couldn’t believe her eyes. She just stood staring at Ash and it was a weird moment in which neither of them knew what to say.

“Um, hi. It's—” and much to Ash’s surprise, she was engulfed into a hug.

The two stood there for a long time as she wrapped her hands around Allie. Their moment was short lived with the little kid pulling on Ash’s cardigan.

Ash gave Allie a smile and Allie knowingly gave a slight squeeze to Ash’s arm as they parted and ash got back on her knees.

“Hi, princess,” Ash smiled.

“I wasn’t finished,” the girl said as she put on a pout and put both of her arms on her waist.

It was the cutest thing Ash saw and she couldn’t help but let a small laugh, “I’m sorry. Please continue,” Ash said with a smile.

“And I’m Emma McPherson,” the girl said.

Ash waited for more but that was it. And seemed like the girl was waiting for something in return but Allie interrupted them.

“Why don’t we go inside honey?” Allie said as she guided Ash and Emma towards the living room.

Once they got to the living room, Ash sat on the couch and much to her surprise Emma made herself comfortable on Ash’s lap tracing her arm.

“Why do you draw on yourself? Mommy said that’s not good,” she said very curiously, tracing the lines.

“EMMA!” Allie said in a loud whisper, “Sorry, Ash. Oh my gosh, look at me. Would you like anything? I got so carried away I forgot to offer you anything,” Allie said as she got up.

“No actually…” Ash smiled nervously as she held onto Emma, “I don’t know if I’d be able to keep anything down,” Ash chuckled.

“You sure?” Allie said as she asked once more before she sat herself down.

“Yes, I’m sure. So… How are you guys?”

“We’re good. We moved when we got Emma. Peter got promoted and he’s actually on a business trip to Japan for a few days. And, Terry is in school, can you believe that?” Allie said in disbelief. However, she realized that Ash’s face was covered in much grief and guilt.

“Ash, she’s great. She’s smart and outgoing and she’s even on the soccer team. Guess who she got that from?”

“Really? She’s playing soccer?” Ash asked carefully.

“Mhm, she’s the MVP on the team. She wouldn’t stop talking gabout the times you and Ali would baby sit for us and take her to the park,” Allie assured Ash.

Ash just had a small smile on her face and just nodded. There was a moment of silence between the two. It was a rather awkward moment as she really didn’t know what she was to say but luckily, Allie must have read her mind.

“Ash… I just want to say I’m sorry. No, we’re sorry. And, I know Peter would say the same thing and also say thank you. If it weren’t for you, Terry wouldn’t be anything she is without you. I know, we didn’t leave on the best of terms and we acted like irrational animals but I hope you understand that as parents, you just don’t see anything when your kids are in danger. Like, I just…” She wiped a small tear from her cheek, “We’re so sorry. We were being horrible friends but back then we needed to be parents before anything. And, we tried but by then it was too late. Your family said that it would be much better if we didn’t try to bring back all that memory in case all the pain came back with it and your mother said that you would understand… But, more than being sorry we are so thankful. Seriously, it if wasn’t for you Terry wouldn’t… ” She trailed off quietly.

Ash listened quietly and nodded. “I understand.”

“Wait, hey princess, what’s your name?” Allie asked Emma. This caught Ash a little off guard by the subtle change in subject.

However, she was busy still staring at Ash’s tattoos, “Baby, what’s your name?”

“Emma McPherson,” Emma replied not paying attention.

“What’s your long, long, name?” Allie asked consistently.

“Emma Jamie Ashlyn McPherson,” the girl said in the same uninterested manner.

And right then, it was as if she had finally been able to take the big sigh of relief. It wasn’t anything she expected or what she thought would be the closure but that did it. Ash had tears in her eyes as she slowly reached to cup Emma’s face and couldn’t believe what she had her. She turned her head towards Allie who was also in tears and asked just in case she heard wrong, “Really?”

“Mhm,” Allie smiled. It was as if Allie had also been released of the guilt of accusing the one person who saved her daughter.

“We owe you everything. That day… was just a nightmare for all and there is no way we can thank you enough for saving our baby girl,” Allie said.

“Wow… I just… That’s… Thank you,” Ash said as she stared at Emma Jamie Ashlyn McPherson in her lap. She kissed the girl’s head and fixed her hair as she smiled and wiped her tears of joy and relief. Then suddenly, Boxie started barking and a girl juggling a ball walked in.

“Hi mom I’m home! 97, 98, 99, 100, 101, 102, 103…” It was Terry.

“Terry,” Allie said slowly.

“106, 107, 108… Yeah?” Terry said as she still kept her eyes on the ball.

“Terry Mallory Han McPherson, what did I say about juggling in the house?”

That’s when Terry stopped and tapped the ball into her arms and lifted her head towards where her mother’s voice was coming from. And, that was also when she had the biggest smile on her face and ran towards Ash.

“ASHLYN!!!” The girl ran towards Ash and hugged her, squeeling of course.

“Haha hi peanut!” Ash said as she wrapped her arms around the girl while making sure Emma didn’t fall off.

“I missed you!!!” It had been almost six years and the girl still remembered her and even that was enough for Ash.

After their reunion, Ash stayed for dinner and the four girls caught up. Emma never left Ash’s side nor did Terry. Terry busily filled Ash up on all the things she missed out while Ash watched the girl with such amazement. She couldn’t believe how _normal_ and healthy Terry was. The four girls sat there and to Ash it was a closure to one thing while a continuation of an old friendship. When it was time for her to leave the girls hugged it out and Ash promised Terry that if her team made it to the finals in the fall she would fly out to see her. Terry was more than excited.

“You promised Ash! You’re really gonna come?!” Terry asked again.

“Of course. Have I ever broke a promise with you peanut?”

“Nope,” She smiled, “You think Ali could come too? I miss her,” Terry asked. The girl didn’t know anything and the question was innocent and Ash hadn’t heard that name outside of her therapist office.

“Um, I don’t know about Ali but I’ll be there. Maybe Al can come too,” Ash said to make up for the iffy answer she gave.

“Cool! Okay, love you Ash,” and she held out her hand and Ash stared at her a little confused.

“What, no hug?” Ash said with a chuckle.

“Noooooo! Our handshake remember?!”

That was another surprise. The girl was merely six when they last saw each other and Ash couldn’t believe that she remembered.

Ash leaned down so she could be closer to Terry’s level. “Peanut, you remember that?”

Terry  excitedly nodded and smiled as she still had her hand out. Ash felt like she could fly.

“All right, you ready?” Ash said as she gave Terry a wink.

They both got ready for their handshake. “Down, up, down, up, cross, cross, pound, and explosion!” And they burst into laughter.

“We don’t have to say all the steps anymore since you’re a big peanut now,” Ash said as she roughed Terry’s head.

“I know but it wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t, right?” Terry smiled back.

“No it wouldn’t. You take care and play fair and clean but mean out there, okay?”

“I will! And you promised to come if we make it to our finals!”

“And I’ll be there. Love you kiddo and I missed you,” Ash says again as she gives Terry a hug.

“Me too.”

“All right, time for bed Terry. Can you take Emma with you?” Allie said.

“Okay, bye Ash-a-lin,” Emma said as she waved at Ash and blew her a kiss with one hand while holding Terry’s hand with her other hand.

“Bye princess, I’ll see you soon too,” Ash said as she gave the girl a kiss on her head.

“Thank you and it was so great to see you. Keep in touch and Peter and I are also counting on you to keep your promise to come to the finals,” Allie said as she gave Ash a hug.

“And I’ll be there. You guys take care and please say hi to Peter,” Ash said as she started her steps towards her cab.

Ash’s steps were light as feather. Definitely different from how she entered the house. Dr. Moreno was right. She was doing this because she wanted to not because she needed to. Just as Ash was about to get into her cab she heard her name. It was Terry.

“ASHHHHHHHHH!” Terry sprinted towards Ash at the cab.

“Hey there, slow down! You’re gonna trip over something,” Ash chuckled, “What’s up?”

“Thank you,” was all Terry said with another tight hug around Ashlyn and just like that she ran back in. Ash didn’t even have the time to say anything and when she looked up towards the front door, Allie just smiled and nodded before she went inside with Terry.

She was healing and she was slowly finding the keys to unlock all the unanswered questions. When Ash got back home she couldn’t wait to tell Dr. Moreno about her trip.

  

BACK TO PRESENT...

 

“So, how was last night? Did you drive?” Dr. Moreno asked.

“No, I was planning on drinking so I didn’t,” Ashlyn said. Even though drinking is something therapists don’t usually recommend their patients to do, it was different for Ashlyn. She wasn’t an alcoholic and the only reason she didn’t drink was because she had this unconscious fear that drinking could possibly bring back memories she didn’t want to recall. It was a blocking mechanism. In other words, she didn’t drink because she feared the kind of things she could be reminded of. However, now that she is trying to ease back into being her old self and it had been about a month since Ashlyn started to drive again. It was still difficult for her to drive because of what had happened but it was a lot more of a progress than what she had in mind.

“You know? I never thought I would say such a thing but you’re lucky that your two things you are working on can’t be done together. I know what you’re doing,” Dr. Moreno chuckled as he took notes.

Ash knew exactly what she was doing and she knew what he was implying but she asked anyway just for the humor, “And, what am I doing?”

“You’re using the drinking as an excuse to not drive,” he responded and they both laughed. This was how far they had come. Ash was comfortable enough to joke about things like this.

“But you haven’t answered my other question. How was last night?”

“Same… unfortunately. They all seem to just remind me of _her_.” Ash confessed. Ashlyn had been going on dates with few people in the past few months and it wasn’t the meeting new people part that was hard. It was the fact that no matter what she did, she was always thinking about Ali.

“Like what?” Dr. Moreno asked.

“You know, the same things. The way they laugh, the things they like, the things they do, all that stuff. Every time they tell me something, I unconsciously think to myself what Ali used to like or did or does…” Ash was defeated. It wasn’t like she was trying to fight her feelings for Ali, she just wanted to know if they were there really because she still was in love with her or if it was because she was still caught in the moment.

“Then, why don’t you call her? You know she’s your next “set free” right?” Dr, Moreno mentioned the inevitable truth.

“I know. I just don’t know what to say. I was talking to Whitney and I seemed like she was seeing someone and I don't want to just go and dump all this on her… or myself,” Ash said quietly.

“And, why would think that you would be ‘dumping’ all this on yourself as well?”

“I mean, I’m not here because I was heartbroken.”

“Exactly, you’re not here because you were heartbroken. You’re here because you were in an accident and you want to piece things back together but Ali plays a big role because she was there and you ‘blamed’ her for it. So, you going to talk to her is going to help you ‘set free’ from the anger and misunderstandings that you had.” Dr. Moreno repeated Ash’s intentions of seeing a therapist.

“I mean, yeah. And, now I don't feel that anger and I don’t think I need to exactly tell her that. People move on and find other people. I’m sorry if it comes out to be disrespectful but I look at these army wives who lost their loved ones and get married again with someone else and I see hope. Can you imagine the guilt they may feel moving on from their husbands or wives they have lost? But I see hope. I see that moving on is not impossible. Plus, it’s not like we were married or anything. We were friends and I was in love with my friend.

“Okay, then why can’t you just go and do the closure so that you can move on? What are you afraid of?” Dr. Moreno was really pushing it and he had a good point he wanted to make and have Ashlyn see finally.

“I mean why would I go if know the answer?” Ash asked with a bit of frustration as if the answer was obvious.

“And, the answer is?”

“I know she’s going to be sorry and say no,” Ash said it a little louder and this got a smile form Dr. Moreno.

“Ash, are you hearing yourself?”

“Huh?”

“You said you know the answer is going to be a ‘sorry and no,” Dr. Moreno repeated.

“Yeah, and?”

Dr. Moreno let out a big silent sigh along with a soft chuckle, “You’re scared of rejection. And, you’ve always unconsciously turned talking to Ali a form of confrontation of your feelings for her rather than with the intent to ‘set free’ from what has happened.”

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn was confused.

“Ashlyn, every time we talk about Ali, you have never once mentioned anything about being angry with her other than the first meeting we had and you were sharing your story with me. Never once. Every time you talked about her, it was always about how you were trying to get over her or trying to figure out a way to avoid your feelings for her. As your therapist, I would say you’re done here,” Doctor Moreno said with a smile, “You’re no longer in need of my service unless you sign up again for a session to deal with your overwhelmingly loving feelings for Ali. But, in terms of dealing with your past and the accident, you’re all healed.”

“You can’t just ditch me like that!” Ash responded.

“Haha Ash, I’m not ditching you, I’m saying that you’re _normal_ as you would say.”

Ash couldn’t believe it. She was finally _normal_. “Wait, you’re not joking?”

“Why would I joke about something like that to my patient? Huh?” Dr. Moreno was chuckling and shaking his head.

“Wow… I just… never thought this day would come this quick… and unexpectedly,” Ash confessed very dumbfounded.

“Well, I’ve been assessing you for the past three weeks when you stopped talking about the accident and only about Ali. Of course, you’re always welcome to come and schedule a visit if you feel like something is wrong but, Ash, you’re free,” Dr. Moreno said as he got up and spread his arms to initiate the hug. Ash got up as well and hugged him back tightly.

“Gosh, I’m free…” Ash said as tears fell down her cheeks.

“Indeed you are. Well done and I’m so proud of you,” he said.

“Thank you so much, Dr. Moreno,” Ash said as she wiped her tears and they pulled apart.

“It’s Eric now,” he said, “You’re not my patient anymore.”

“Haha, Eric,” Ash nodded.

“Well then, off you go and be more free my child,” Eric said in a very dramatic way.

“Haha, all right all right. Geez, if I wasn’t mistaken, I would think that you’ve been waiting for this day to ‘ditch’ me,” Ashlyn joked, “All right, bye Eric. Hopefully I won’t be back anytime soon other than to just say hi.”

“Please do drop by and say hi Ash. And also, as a friend, if I were you, I’d still go and tell her. Not for her but for myself. Call be a selfish son of a bitch but, I’d feel better knowing that I told her how I felt to see if that would be enough for her to give me another chance even if she was with someone else,” Eric shared.

“Hahaha, thanks for the advice. I’ll see,” and she walked out of his office. She was a new kind of an old.

I had been almost two months since she had been “set free” and since then, Ashlyn had been busy. She’s now driving more and hanging out people more and everyone was able to she how different she was being all happy and confident. However, Ashlyn still from time to time looked at her phone and wondered if she should call _her_. It was Christmas already and Ashlyn couldn’t believe how fast the year had gone by. Over the past eight months she flew to see Terry’s team win the championship game and be crowned MVP and also go and see Jesse for his birthday. And, not she was standing at a grocery story for another Christmas with the family. The first Christmas in six years where things weren’t all about being careful around Ashlyn.

“Okay grams, I got it. I don't know why you want to make green bean casserole when NO BODY likes it… Yes, ma’am I got the ice-cream and can’t I just make it with the brownie mix?... Fine, I won’t haha I’ll be home soon— Ali… Um, grams I’ll call you back.” There they were, out of all the grocery stories in town, in the same one at the same checkout counter.

“Hey Ash,” Ali said wit ha small smile, “How’ve you been?”

“Good, um, busy. By the way, congratulations with the World Cup, you looked good out there,” Ashlyn said as she scratched the back of her head.

“Thanks. You getting stuff for grams?” Ali asked not knowing what else to ask and to stray far from the awkward silence.

“Yeah, you know she’s always over cooking for us. Not to mention mom thought he was in charge of the roast beef this year and gram thought the same so we have two big roasts haha,” Ash laughed.

“That’s funny. Well, then I guess I’ll let you deliver all that before grams yells at you. It was nice seeing you Ash, take care,” Ali said as she smiled and walked out the store. As Ash saw Ali turn around and walk out, it too her about 30 seconds to decide what to do and she figured what the hell and ran after her.

By the time Ash got to Ali, Ali was about to open her car door. That’s when the blond spoke up.

“Ali,” Ash called and when Ali was about to turn Ash asked her not to, “Please, I’d rather if you didn’t turn because it’s embarrassing enough to ask you to not turn around as it is about to be with what I want to tell you. I know it doesn’t matter anymore because you’ve moved on and I promise you I’m not asking you to leave him or anything but a friend of mine said that I need to be selfish and do it for myself so that I don’t feel like I’m lying to myself. First, I just want to say I’m really sorry. I wish I called you and at least told you that things were fine and I’m sorry I never apologized for being angry at you right after the accident. I didn’t mean what I said I was just caught in the moment with a lot of emotions just being thrown at me. I hope you understand and forgive me.

“Second, it’s really for my own benefit but I can’t stop thinking about you… Every time I go on a date or something, I just think about you and wish it were you who were in front of me and not that person. I think I’m still…” It was Ash’s opportunity to clearly spell it out for Ali but she didn’t something made he hold it back.

“I think I could still be just caught in the moment from where my memory just stopped or whatever but yeah… Anyway, Merry Christmas Alex,” Ash finished off quickly as she took a big sigh and rushed towards her truck before Ali could turn around. It wasn’t quite the straightforward confession she had in mind but it was good enough for Ash. She got in her truck and drove back home. While on her drive back it got her thinking, could it really be that there are things time cannot fix if fate wasn’t meant to be?

Christmas dinner was good the next day. There was a lot of laughing and sharing old stories of one another and of course, Chris and Ash were still wrestling one another along with Al on the side licking their faces and jumping on them to get a little bit of the fun as well. What seemed about eight o’clock, there the doorbell rang and Al beat everyone to the door. While grams was yelling at Al to calm down, everyone was laughing at how her continuous effort to make him a gentleman’s dog was not so successful.

When Ash got to the door and opened it she was surprised to see who it was. It was Ali. Before Ash could even say a word, Al was jumping crazily onto Ali. He hadn’t seen her since the Ali was in Florida for a training session right after Ash had came back from Vermont.

“Hi buddy, hi!” Ali said as she got down on her knees to give Al the attention he was asking for.

“Alex… What are you doing here?” Ash asked, really confused by Ali standing in front of her grams’ house.

“All right, all right you calm down,” Ali instructed Al and he quietly settled in between the two girls; he always listened to Ali.

“I um…. Wanted to talk to you… about yesterday…” Ali carefully let it out.

“Oh, um… Really you don't have to. It’s fine. I just needed to get it out of my system so that I could move on you know?” Ash said shyly and embarrassed by the confrontation. She was stuttering.

“So, I’m just supposed to accept what you said and be like, ‘okay, Ash that’s cool’ after you drop something like that? Especially after we haven’t spoken for like eight, nine months?” Ali was in disbelief. What made Ash think that it was that simple?

“Alex, I don’t mean to trouble you at all. I just want—”

Ali had heard enough. She grabbed Ashlyn’s face and crashed their lips together. Ash’s eyes widened and she stood there stiff as a rock, unable to move. The kiss was sweet and simple. When Ali had pulled herself away from Ash, she saw the girl in front of her still shocked and confused. Ali slowly brought her thumb towards Ashlyn’s lips and wiped off her lipstick.

“Ali… What… You’re…”

Ali let out a soft chuckle and smiled back at a really perplexed Ash; she had been waiting for this moment. “I don’t know which of your idiot friends said that I’m seeing someone but I’m not. You need to stop listening and start asking more,” Ali said as she cupped Ashlyn’s face.

“I just… don’t know what to say…” Ash replied.

“Well, you could start by inviting me in so I can say hi to everyone and maybe you can start asking?” Ali smiled as she intertwined their fingers.

And, that’s when Ash knew it was Christmas and smiled, finally able to sink in what she had just heard and felt. Perhaps she was right. If it isn’t fate, no time will tell. Thus, this must be fate, right?


	11. So, what wouldn't you want then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while to update but I'm slowly getting back to writing these stories. Hope you guys enjoy it and comments are always welcome. Also, a slight warning of reference to suicidal attempts.

Everyone was talking when Ali and Ash came around the corner. Then, everything went quiet. Ash had an awkwardly foolish smile on her face while she was scratching the back of her head with the other free hand. Ali was the last person anyone in the house expected to see. Not that she wasn’t welcomed but Dr. Moreno had given the whole family clear instructions before that, they shouldn’t mention her until Ash did and Ash hadn’t mentioned Ali at all. Therefore, even after Ash’s therapy sessions were done, the family was just so used to the old rules, they stuck with it never asked.

When Chris realized that the silence may turn into something much more awkward, he took the initiative. “Heyyy! Merry Christmas Ali!!!” Chris said as he got off his chair to give Ali a hug.

Ali let go of Ash’s hand and gave Chris a nice big hug. There were two more hugs that followed after Chris's, grams’ and Ms. Harris’. And even though Ms. Harris said it as quietly as she could, Ash heard what her mother said to the brunette, “It’s so good to have you back.” Ashlyn had never had to tell her mom that she was in love with her best friend for her to know and Mrs. Harris knew that Ali had something for her daughter before she found out that Ali was into girls. However, no body needed any telling for them to see that Ali and Ash had something special whether that be them being together as a couple or just as two very close friends.

What could have been awkward wasn’t. Even though there were so many questions the three wanted to ask, the truth was that Ash and Ali wouldn’t have had the answers to them anyway, they just enjoyed their company. They caught up on Ali and congratulated her on her World Cup gold medal and her USWNT duties after Christmas since the Olympics was just around the corner.

“All right you young souls, it’s time for this old lady to hit the hay,” grams said as she looked at her new watch Ashlyn got her, “Oh my! Hun, is this time really the right time or did you forget to set it?”

“Haha grams, it is way past your bedtime. It’s Florida time all right,” Ashlyn said and everyone laughed.

“Well then, I’m definitely going to bed. You guys stay behind and catch up. Merry Christmas all!” Grams said as she got up and blew kisses to everyone.

“I guess I should head back too. I know Jeremy’s probably done with his family dinner too by now, or at least lets hope!” Ms. Harris said as she got up from the couch.

“I’m so happy you’re dating again!” Ali said as she gave Ms. Harris a hug.

“Well, he’s a great guy,” she replied, “Okay, you guys I’ll see you guys maybe for brunch?” The question was really for Ali.

“Yeah, we’ll see you tomorrow,” Ash replied as she smiled and looked at Ali with her arm around the brunette’s shoulder.

“Good. And, Chris you staying here tonight?” Ms. Harris said as she picked up her purse.

“Actually, mom could you drop me at Steph’s? I don’t think I can drive with all this drinking,” Chris said as he picked up four empty beer cans and chuckled.

“Of course dear.” Soon, they sent off Chris and Ms. Harris and it was just Ali and Ash sitting by the fireplace on the floor.

Ali had a glass of wine in her hand and was cuddled right up next to Ashlyn. “So…” Ali broke the silence and smiled looking up at Ashlyn.

“So…” Ashlyn repeated after Ali and smiled back.

“I missed you,” Ali said. At that moment, Ashlyn really wanted to kiss her but there were things to be discussed. While they both had feelings for each other and everything from the holding hands and arms around each other felt so right and perfect, they were never together before. While things seemed to have untangled themselves, they needed to set some things straight first.

“Me too,” Ash said as she brushed Ali’s hair from her face.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you all this time. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to but I just knew it wasn’t that best option after what you had gone through…” Ali finished very carefully.

“I know, you don't have to explain that. I wish I wasn’t like that and I was more ‘accessible’ for all of you…” Ash said as she rubbed her hands up and down Ali’s arm.

“We both care about each other and obviously it was 'interrupted',” Ash chuckled as she air quoted the last word, “I feel like I’ve missed out so much on everyone. I realized that everyone was so busy asking if I was doing okay or how I had been doing that when I ask them, I can sense that they didn’t want to burden me with their problems or past… I don’t want that with you Alex. I know that if I was having trouble, you must have had just as much of a problem,” Ash finished carefully as she looked down at Ali.

The truth was that she wasn’t okay. She was torn and broken. She was lost and she was depressed. She not only lost her best friend but her best friend hated her and blamed her for everything that had happened. Even though Ali believed that deep underneath all that accusation that Ash made, Ash didn’t mean it. However, it was hard for her mind to think that way. Over the six years, Ali missed the USWNT cut the first two years, which included the Olympics and the World Cup team. Her performance even in the NWSL level was the worst in her whole soccer career. She suffered from nightmares of the explosion and Ashlyn blaming her for what had happened. She couldn’t stop herself from understanding why things had to fall apart like this. She drank most of her nights away and it got to a point where Kyle had to fly her out to LA to keep a close eye on her; Kyle was scared that she would take a turn for the worse. There were many times Ali wanted to just get on a plane and see Ashlyn but she knew that that wouldn’t be of any help when Ash couldn't remember a single thing about them.

She told Ash about all those times as Ash held the brunette tight in her arm, listening intently. She told about the time she got a DUI. And, she told Ash about how Chris, grams, Ash’s mom, the whole team, and her family found out about “them.”

“I think it was like about two three months after you moved to Vermont. I didn’t know what to do. Like the other nights, I was at the bar drinking alone. I tried really hard not to drink and tried really hard not to think about you but I just couldn’t. I must have been on like my fourth or fifth drink when someone tapped on my shoulder…”

 

_Flashback_

 

“Ali?” a familiar voice called her.

“Chris?” Ali slurred his name in surprise.

“Hi,” he gave her a hug, “You should have called me if you were in town, girl,” Chris said with a smile.

“Yeah, well… I guess I forgot,” Ali said but she meant everything but that.

Chris observed Ali for a quick second and silently motioned the bartender to check how many drinks she had and the bartender just shook his head and silently mouthed ‘a lot.’ Right then Chris knew that he had to cut in and make sure Ali was going to be okay because that’s what any older brother would do and what Ashlyn would have wanted him to do. He quickly pulled out his phone and texted his buddies that they’ll have to meet up some other time.

“Well then, can I join you or you waiting for someone?” Chris said with much excitement.

“Nope, the seat’s all yours,” Ali replied.

“Sounds good, well then, can I have a Bluemoon,” Chris told the bartender. When his drink came, he took a sip and turned towards Ali.

“So how have you been? I haven’t heard from you for a while, that’s not very like you Al,” Chris confessed.

“Well, first I didn’t make the national team cut, I start on the bench for my club, I drink…. Well I drink unless it’s a day before my game, I stay home and watch whatever is on TV. So, nothing much at all Chris. How about you?” Ali said as she finished her drink and ordered another one. The bartender gave Chris a quizzical look but Chris just nodded to tell him that he was with her.

“I’ve been okay. Just busy with work and trying to make ends meet you know like everyone else. I’m still seeing that girl you meet when you last came down with—” Chris stopped as he was about to say Ashlyn’s name.

“Ashlyn… You can say it. It’s not like she’s dead,” Ali was being bitter and very dark and Chris didn’t quite understand what was wrong but he was about to find out.

“Ali, I’m going to be honest and not beat around the bush here. What happened with you two? I don’t understand why out of all the people, you’re the one person she doesn’t remember anything about. Out of all the people, Ali, the person she was attached to the hip and she would bring to family gatherings,” Chris was right. They were so close and it was hard for her to tell Chris that Ashlyn told her that she liked her and that they had a fight and then the accident and… However, the alcohol was already working its “magic” so to call it and had cut that last single thread that had been holding back Ali from breaking down.

Suddenly, Ali just broke down into tears and leaned into Chris. Chris hadn’t even heard the story but he knew it was a complicated one. And, there she was spilling the whole story to Chris from beginning to end and how she wished she had figured things out and realized her feelings towards Ash sooner; while this was the first time Ali ever had ever liked a girl and Chris had been Ali’s source of bachelors all these years, he wasn’t quite surprised.

Chris finally understood why Ali had been so distanced and why Ash had refused to mention her name and every time anyone did so, why Ash was so hostile. He couldn’t understand but things finally made sense. However, it didn’t matter now because there was the one who couldn’t reconcile and another who didn’t know there was anything to be reconciled. Chris really did like Ali. Ali was like a sister and he ached for her. The gas explosion was never because of the gas stove in their apartment and Ali knew that; there was a gas leakage from the restaurant next to their apartment building and some how it had traveled through the vents and exploded went someone lit their lighter for a smoke. It was all an accident and no matter how many times Ali heard it, all that she could remember was Ash’s accusations ringing in her ears…

       “And Chris took me back home because I was in no state to drive back and that’s when I guess he told your mom and grams and that’s how everyone eventually found out. And thinking back, telling Chris and breaking down in front of him like that may have been what saved me because he called Kyle and Kyle asked me to come stay with him. It was hard at first and that’s why I know what you were going through when you came back… How everyone is so careful and they don’t want to hurt you. I know that feeling because I was you a while back,” Ali finished.

         Ash didn’t know this side of the story. Her memories came back but this new piece of information about Ali and the pain she had caused her from her spur of the moment words. Ali could see the hurt in Ash’s eyes. The hurt from hurting her.

“Ashlyn Michelle Harris, don't you feel sorry and apologize because you had all the rights to be mad. You didn’t know any of this. The investigation was still happening and remember? I was there when the police said that it was most probably from our gas stove? You just didn’t say it then, I already kind of felt as if it was my fault too. So, don’t be sorry. You said what was on your mind with the evidence laid out in front of you. Don't, okay?” Ali said as she laid her hands gently on Ashlyn’s face to make sure that she caught her gaze.

“Okay…” that was all Ash could say.

“But now this is perfect. I’m cuddled up next to my best friend sipping wine and it can’t be any better,” Ali smiled and took a sip of her wine.

The two sat there silently for a moment and Ash knew that by nature, it was her turn to share. It was Ali’s turn to ask about what she had been doing for the past six years. Ali, however, knew the gist of the story of Ashlyn being in the woods and isolating herself. Ashlyn knew this and took the initiative and saved Ali the trouble from wondering.

“I know you want to know about me too. I can’t really sum everything up because I feel like I can’t really explain the things that I went through,” Ash said quietly.

Ali wasn’t expecting anything in return, however, she did wonder and Ash saw Ali’s face drop a little without intentions.

“I can’t explain it but I want to show you, Ali. From the cabin to the long summer days, the places I went, the people I met, Je…” Ashlyn hesitated a little and continued, “Jerry and his corner store. Yeah. I think I’d do a much better job showing you,” Ash finished.

“What are you saying Ashlyn Harris?” Ali said with a big smile knowing what she was saying.

“Would you like to go and visit Vermont with me… and spend New Years?” Ash asked.

“Yes, yes, and yes. You know I always liked that place. Gosh, I can’t wait to see Jerry and have one of his grilled cheeses!” Ali yelped in excitement. This got Ashlyn to role her eyes.

“My goodness. Why is everyone so obsessed with his grilled cheese? I mean I make mean grill cheese too!” Ash said with a pout as she sipped her beer.

“Ummmm no, you TRY and make Jerry’s grilled cheese and it ends up being… not Jerry’s grilled cheese because you’re NOT Jerry, duh!” Ali teased.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah whatever,” Ashlyn pretended like she was upset but pulled Ali in closer. The two of them fell asleep in the living room next to each other with Al resting his head on one side of Ash’s chest and Ali cuddled up onto the other side.

 The next morning, the two of them and Al had brunch with the family and dropped by Ali’s to get Ali’s stuff before they drove up to Vermont. Although Debbie and Kyle were looking very shocked at the two of them walking into the living room, Ali gave them a knowing look that everything was good and that she would explain later. While they thought about flying, they figured they could really spend the time together driving up and it would be nice for Ashlyn to get more driving time as she was finally getting comfortable behind the wheels.

         The drive took about four days as they took their time with the drive and even dropping by Boston to see Niki and Molly. While Molly was more of the hopeless romantic who said she knew the two would find their way back to each other eventually, Niki couldn’t keep her mouth shut as her jaws nearly hit the ground. Of course, Ash and Ali found this funny. The four caught up. Ash told them how it happened and Molly listened with her hands together and awing at the cuteness. The truth was that, Ash and Ali hadn’t kissed or touched or done anything since the night Ali kissed her at gram's doorsteps. They held hands and cuddled but that was all; it was an unsaid rule for them to keep it that way till they were in the right moment. Niki and Molly filled them in on their wedding plans and this couldn’t have gotten any better for Molly and Ali who were already talking about things to get and shopping and yadi yadi ya whereas, Niki and Ash talked about a bachelorette’s party in the Hamptons which got Molly’s ears to perk.

         “ABSOLUTELY NOT” Molly interrupted the two’s conversation and it was so loud she caught everyone else’s attention in the restaurant.

         “Shhhhh! Babe, that was really loud!” Niki whispered loudly.

         “Niki Cross! Don’t you shush me and Ashlyn Harris, don’t you give her any idea. You don’t think I heard what Abby did at her bachelorette party from all your ideas?! You weren’t even there and Abby STILL got in trouble and her excuse was that YOU told her that that’s how it was supposed to be done!” Molly was being serious but everyone else was chuckling and laughing.

         “Haha, okay first, you’re supposed to have a bachelorette party EXACTLY for that reason to celebrate your last glorious night being single. Second, your fiancée is NOT supposed to just ‘drop’ by out of curiosity; that was Sarah’s problem. Third, so what? She was eating whip cream out of some random girl’s boobs… Oh right, so was everyone else at Abby’s bachelorette party from what I heard,” Ash said as she swung her arms around Ali unconsciously and laughed and gave Niki a fist bump.

         “Absolutely not,” Molly stated firmly, “Niki Cross, I will not see you motor boating some random girl.” It almost sounded as if she was already reprimanding Niki for something she hadn't done.

         “That’s the point, you’re NOT supposed to see me do that,” Niki joked and everyone cracked at the joke except Molly.

         “It’s not funny! Actually you know what? You do whatever. I’m gonna call Kristina to help me with MY bachelorette party,” Molly said with sass as she took a sip of her mimosa.

         Niki didn’t hesitate to take back everything she said, “I was joking babe! No Kristina, please? Ash and I were just talking about going over to Jerry’s summer house and inviting ALL of you to hangout since we are having the wedding at the Country Club,” Niki said as she kissed Molly. The truth was that Ash may have been a party animal but Kristina was just pure trouble. Anytime Molly and Kristina got together, Molly would get shit-faced drunk and not even remember Niki. Molly had gotten so drunk that she didn’t even recognize her own apartment and called the police and also accused Niki of kidnapping her, all thanks to Kristina. The pair were just… let’s say at the least crazy. Kristina was a sweet, sweet girl but alcohol Kristina was a dirty, dirty girl.

         “I thought so,” Molly said victorious.

         “Well, anyway, we should head out, Jerry wanted us to pick up some stuff from town before we got to Millston,” Ash said as she finished her cup of coffee.

         “Sounds good. We’ll keep you guys posted with the wedding stuff,” Niki said as her and Molly also got up.

         “All righty, it was so nice to catch up with you guys,” Ali said hugging Molly.

“The pleasure is all ours. Don’t be a stranger now okay?” Molly said as she hugged Ashlyn.

“I’m not going anywhere. Right?” Ash replied and looked at Ali as she said that.

“She’s not going anywhere,” Ali confirmed and wrapped her arms around Ash’s waist and the four of them walked out.

         Ali and Ash got straight on the road and Ali actually drove the remaining way to Vermont because Ash wasn’t as comfortable driving in the snow as Ali. They dropped by Maynard’s to grab the things Jerry asked and they were back on the road to Millston.

         “HIIIIIIII!” Ali screamed as she saw Jerry behind the counter.

         “ALI! My goodness it’s so good to see the World Cup star in real life than it is on TV!” Jerry said as he went over and engulfed her in a hug. Al was jumping up and down seeking for attention too. “I see you buddy! I see you! Come here!” Jerry said as he got on his knee and roughed around with Al who was just a ball of energy and also snuck him a little piece of his beef jerky in his pocket.

         “JERRY MARKSON! How many times do I have to tell you to don’t feed him that junk!?” Ash jokingly scolded Jerry as she walked in with the supplies he ask them to pick up.

“It’s not like you don’t indulge in junk food Harris,” Jerry said without looking up and and still playing with Al on the floor.

“Uh? I brought you stuff and you’re not even going to look up and say hi?” Ash said as if she was shocked but she knew what he was doing.

“Thank you for those but I’m still mad at you for not calling,” Jerry said a little disappointed.

“I did when I landed in Florida!” Ash said as she walked over and placed the boxes she was carrying on the counter.

“Yeah that was a year ago!” Jerry exclaimed in amazement that she was really using that as an excuse.

“Okay I know, I’m really sorry but I was just really busy and needed to figure some things out. You know that, right?” Ash said in an apologetic tone and a smile that was more of a peace offering.

“You know what? I’m only forgiving you because you brought this gem with you,” Jerry finally said and hugged Ash. “I missed you buddy,” he confessed.

“I missed you too,” Ash said, “But right now you’re hugging me so tight that I’m going to pee my pants if I don’t go to the bathroom,” Ashlyn laughed and quickly pulled away and jetted for the bathroom.

“Haha that girl…” Jerry and Ali chuckled, “So, Ali how—” He was interrupted by someone familiar walking into the store. Oh shit… Jerry murmured under his breath.

“Hey Jerry, you guys still out of milk?”

“Um, hey Jess. It should be here soon actually. The delivery guy said that he’s like five minutes away,” Jerry replied trying to think quick on his feet but it was too late.

“You forgot to tell me to buy a plumbing device for that damn toilet of yours. It’s still—” As Ash walked out of the bathroom fixing her shirt, she stopped when she saw who was in front of her,“Jessica…”

“Ashlyn Harris?! Oh my goodness! How are you? What are you doing here?!” Jessica the tall blonde took her gloves off and walk towards Ash to give her a hug, Ash returned the hug but she was definitely trying to think on her feet as well as she exchanged a look with Jerry who looked just as lost in terms of what to do.

“Um, yeah. Well, I’m visiting with a friend of mine. Sorry, Ali this is Jessica and Jessica this is Ali,” Ash said as she awkwardly introduced the two.

Ali was puzzled to why things seemed so out of place. She saw Ashlyn’s signature awkward scratching her head move and Jerry fiddling with his phone.

“Hi, Ali,” Jessica said with a knowingly smile.

“Hi,” Ali replied and returned the smile.

The two stood there in silence still with each other’s hand when Jerry’s phone rang.

“Hello? Yeah, yeah. I’ll be right out,” Jerry replied and did what he could best, “Ash, I need an extra hand, wanna help?” Jerry hinted Ash for her way out.

“Ohh yeah of course, coming,” Ash said as she quickly put her gloves on and followed after Jerry.

“You think it’s okay to leave those two in there?” Ash asked nervously.

“Yeah, should be fine. She’s just here to pick up milk and plus, Jessica isn’t the kind of girl to instigate or stir up trouble anyway,” Jerry assured Ash as the two started getting busy unloading the truck.

While inside the corner store there was an awkward silence between the two. Ali couldn’t figure out what it was but she felt like Jessica had something to say but was being hesitant. However, Ali didn’t dare ask.

After what seemed like forever, Jessica finally spoke. “I always wondered what you would be like,” she said.

“Excuse me?” Ali asked puzzled.

“I don’t mean to cause trouble. The past is the past and I’m not trying to change anything or wanting to change anything but when Ashlyn first moved here, we kind of had a thing…” 

_Jessica’s story told in a flashback_

Ashlyn and Al had been hiking the mountain behind the cabin for few weeks now and it wasn’t much different that morning. They were making their way up to the top of the mountain when Ashlyn noticed someone by the mountaintop by the cliff. She couldn’t tell what the person was doing but she could tell that it was a woman and  by looking at her shoulder that she was crying. And, Ash could tell that she wasn’t planning to do anything pretty if she didn’t do something quick.

Making sure she didn’t startle the person she started to make loud noises with her shoes stepping on the dry leaves and motioned Al to bark on the count of three. The instant the woman heard the noises, Ash could tell that she was wiping her tears as the woman turned around.

Pretending like she didn’t see anything and that she had just gotten to the top, breathless, Ashlyn let out her words between her fake tired breaths, “Phew wow, It’s. So. Pretty up here. But I don’t think. I can do this again. Phewwwww,” Ash said as she took a deep breath and took a quick look at the girl to see how she was reacting. Ash made sure to keep her distance so that the girl wouldn’t suspect anything.

“You must come up here often since you’re not winded like me,” Ash said as she chuckled and took a sip out of her bottle. “I’m Ash,” she said as she held out her hand.

At first, the girl was hesitant but she did hold out her hand and shook Ash’s hand, “Jessica.”

“Nice to meet you Jessica. You live around here?” Ash asked as she casually took a seat on the cliff close enough to the girl while she opened her backpack and grabbed two granola bars and handed Jessica one and a chewy for Al.

_Back to the corner store_

         “Even though Ash never mentioned it, I know that she knew what I was going to do that day. I was going through some stuff and I didn’t have anyone and especially nothing to lose. But, I know that she knows and she saved me. Jerry saved me. So, she brought me back and we started talking. I told her how I had just lost my parents and all the things I was going through and she told me what happened to her and we started hanging out.

         “One thing led to another and I guess even though we didn’t make it official we were somewhat dating,” Jessica took this moment to look at Ali and Ali was just fiddling with her nails as she stared down; Jessica could sense the disappointment in the woman in front of her.

         “But you know? There was always something different and special about Ashlyn. She was brave, caring, strong, independent, and all that other glorious traits a person could be but there was always this one moment she wasn’t all that: when she was sleeping. She would shake and yell and call out for one person and one person only,” Jessica paused and waited for Ali to look up.

“You,” Jessica smiled and finished, “Ali, she would call out for you. And, I think I knew all along that her and I weren’t really meant to be but that our paths just happened to have crossed and we were just two broken people looking for comfort. So, I told Jerry about Ash’s sleeping habits and all and he told me the whole story. I wasn’t hurt or upset or angry when I heard that though. It was actually enlightening because that’s when I realized that if I had really loved her in the way she loved you, those feelings shouldn’t have been what I felt,” Jessica had caught Ali’s gaze and suddenly, both of them could see the change in Ali’s face. It was almost as if the past pain, hurt, hardship, and loneliness didn’t exist.

“When I say this, I say this with the utmost respect and sincerity. I’m so glad you guys found each other and thank you for waiting for her because if you hadn’t, I think I would have felt extremely guilty that the person who saved my life wasn’t getting her happiness while I found this new life and was moving on, stronger and happier than ever,” Jessica confessed.

Now Ali was in full tears but also with a smile and nodded. Jessica slowly went over and hugged her. It was a moment the two women had a mutual understanding of how strong and amazing person Ashlyn Michelle Harris was. So, what wouldn’t Ali want then? She wouldn’t want to ever let go of this girl, her best friend, her soul mate who never really left even when it felt like she had lost her.

 


	12. A disaster that could have gone...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized while I was reading all the other great AUs out there that I'm such a hypocrite to keep wanting more to read while I'm being so slow with my writing... hehe I'm guilty as charged. I know how hard it is to get something going so this chapter is for all those writers out there. Hope you guys are enjoying the story and I tried to make up for the long heist with the length. I'm trying to figure out if I want to continue this or finish and start a new one. I have some ideas--one little angst-- but I'm open to suggestions so let me know. Comments are always welcome! Enjoy guys!

Jerry and Ashlyn had just finished unloading everything from the truck. Both trying to stall as much time as possible before going back inside the store, Ash opened a beer case and grabbed two bottles and threw it to Jerry.

“Wow, so it is true, huh?” Jerry said in a surprised tone as he opened his beer using his bottle opener and tossed it to Ashlyn.

“Do any of you guys ever not talk about me? Chris…” Ash said as she opened her bottle and took a sip.

“Well, if you call then I wouldn’t have to call anyone else,” Jerry responded.

“But you couldn't have called me?” Ash knew the answer to the question.

“Right… because you would have gladly told me everything,” Jerry said sarcastically. It was true, Ash wouldn’t have told him anything of his interest and he would have known better to push for answers too.

“So, you and Ali, huh?” Jerry gave her a knowing look, “Finally.”

“Haha… Yeah… We’re still trying to figure things out but I think so… I mean she did kiss me…” Ash said with her signature one hand on the back of her head and scratching it. “ALSO, you’re the first person I told that so be honored!”

“Right, and we can drink to that,” Jerry said as he raised his bottle and took a sip.

“You know what this means, right?” Ashlyn said.

“What?”

“It means that you got to find a new DD,” Ashlyn winked and took a sip.

“Haha right because as if you drove before. Too soon?” Jerry said with a chuckle.

“You son of a gun,” Ashlyn laughed along with him.

“It’s really good to see you like this and being able to share a drink. And, so glad you brought Ali over. I think she would understand things a little more,” Jerry acknowledged.

“Yeah, I hope so too. Figured it would be easier for me to show her than tell her. I mean… I guess technically speaking, we can just skip all the tangled up drama and the past and just pick up where we are now because it really is just problem and concern free. But, I feel like that would be us trying to avoid something that defines us in a way,” Ashlyn shared her thoughts.

“I feel like I owe it to her to free her from whatever it is that she feels like is convicting her of,” Ash finished off.

“You do you and let me know if you guys need anything. Also, we’re having tomorrow at the house, you and Ali should come,” Jerry offered as he took the final sip out from his bottle and tossed it in the recycle bin.

“I mean… who’s cooking?” Ash asked with one eyebrow up.

“You dick,” Jerry said as he put his arm around Ash and the two walked into the corner store. The two had all forgotten about Jessica and Ali inside and when they had step foot into the store everything rushed back.

“Oh shit,” both of them whispered. However, to their surprise they saw the two girls laughing about something and that got a quizzical look from both of them.

“Okay, well it was nice meeting you Ali,” Jessica said she saw Ash and Jerry walking toward them and gave her a hug, “I hope to see you soon.”

“Yup, sounds good. I’m so happy for you, really,” Ali responded as she hugged Jessica back.

“Ash it was nice seeing you. I hope to see you around while you guys are here,” Jessica said as she hugged her.

Ashlyn really had no idea what was going on but she was just glad that she didn’t have to deal with any awkward conversations with Ali later from the looks of things, “Right, yeah sure. I’ll let you know.”

“Oh, your milk!” Jerry said as he turned around to go back to grab some for Jessica from the back.

“It’s fine. I’ll just get it later,” Jessica smiled as she waved her hands to let Jerry know that it was okay.

“You know what? I’ll just drop it off at your place later. I’m sorry. This one was being a distraction,” Jerry said as he pointed his thumb at Ashlyn.

“You really don’t have to,” Jessica laughed.

“Just let me know, you’ve been looking for that milk all week,” Jerry said with a chuckle.

“All right, see you guys,” Jessica said as she waved and winked at the group and left.

“How was unloading the stuff outside? You smell like beer,” Ali smiled as she wrapped her arm around Ashlyn’s waist and snugged next to her.

“Um yeah, it was fine. What was that all about?” Ash asked nervously.

“Nothing just making conversation. She went to Penn State for her undergraduate so we were just talking about all the eateries around there. Why?” Ali wasn’t lying. They did talk about Joe’s downtown and their burgers.

“Nothing, just asking. Okay well, we’re going to head over the cabin,” Ash said as she gave Jerry a small tap on his shoulder and got a hold of Al’s leash.

“Yeah. Oh, and you probably want to get some extra wood from the back because I think I took all of them out when you left and also you might want to go easy on the pipes, they might be frozen and might need some time after you put the heat on,” Jerry reminded her.

“Sounds good, thanks Jerry,” Ash said as her and Ali walked out.

“Don’t forget tomorrow! 4:30 at our place!” Jerry yelled to make sure Ash heard it.

“Okay, okay!” Ash replied.

“Home sweet home buddy,” Ash told Al as she let him out of the car and Al start to roll in the snow in front of the cabin.

“Haha, awww! He’s so cute!” Ali said as she kept her eyes on Al as she grabbed her bag.

“Yeah, trying to dry him off and getting all that snow off of him isn’t so cute I tell you. Let me get it,” Ash said as she took the bags from Ali’s hands and smiled down at the brunette.

“Thanks,” Ali smiled back.

“Alright buddy lets go inside!” Ash yelled and whistled for Al’s attention. When he didn’t respond to Ash that’s when Ali took over.

“Al! Com’on handsome! Lets go! It’s treat time!” At the word “treat” Al’s ear’s perked up and came rushing inside.

“Haha he listens to me better,” Ali said as she walked passed Ashlyn and gave her back a tap, “Maybe next time.”

“That’s cheating. You can’t lure him in with treats every time Al,” Ash groaned and pretended like she was being seriously but was only followed after by a smile.

“It’s fair game and you know it,” Ali replied.

The cabin was cold and Ash quickly got the fire going. She made sure she got both of the fireplaces going so that the cabin would heat up. It had been a little over a year since she was here and the place seemed just the way she left it but with more warmth.

“So, are we having this fish for dinner?” Ali asked with concerned as she picked up the trout by its tail.

“Haha yes? And by the looks of your face it doesn’t look like you’ll be cooking?” Ash made fun of her. Jerry had given them a trout him and his brother had caught from ice fishing down at the pond.

“I promise I’ll find a way to make up for it. Ali’s special Bailey’s Hot Chocolate?” Ali said with a smile on her face while she pulled out a bottle of Bailey’s from her bag.

“You would. Sounds perfect. Let me just clean up this place a little so it’s livable and I’ll get dinner started,” Ash replied, “You could actually maybe make the marinate for the fish? There’s a blender under the sink and if you could throw in few garlic cloves, cilantro, rosemary, salt, pepper, olive oil, granted ginger, lemon zest, honey, and a half of lemon juice?”

“So, I’m making dinner,” Ali scoffed.

“No just blend those and I’ll gut and deal with the fish and all.”

“Fine. You better be doing hell of a job cleaning if I’m doing all this,” Ali yelled at Ash. Ash was long gone before Ali finished her sentence. Being gone for a year, there was dust everywhere. Ash made sure she took the blankets and pillows out to the back porch and shook them and she hung them on the clothing line outside for a little while on the porch so they would get some “fresh air” to get rid of any musty smell. She also went and cleaned the bathroom, ran the vacuum, and at last cleaned the floor using a floor steamer to make sure it was extra clean; she was meticulous about being cleaning. Cleaning the house took about and hour and half and while Ash was busy taking care of the rest of the house, Ali took care of the kitchen. It was definitely dusty and there was no way the cooking could start before the kitchen was clean.

While Ash thought about where the two would stay, she figured it would be best if they just save the trouble of starting another fire in bedroom and instead sleep in the living room. She went outside and brought back the blankets, pulled out the couch and made their bed. It was going to be nice and toasting in the living room.

When Ash was done with her job, she slowly made her way to the kitchen to see a mumbling Ali, “How is she expecting me to know exactly how much of anything I’m supposed to put? Geez…”

It was really cut. Ash had never really followed much of any recipe and it was just about how it looked and tasted as you went along. “Just enough of everything, duh?” Ash said as she snaked her arms around Ali’s waist behind her.

“GOSH! You scared me! And what is enough anyway?” Ali questioned seriously.

“Haha you’re impossible. Here,” Ash grabbed the bottle of wine they got and poured it in a mug. “You my princess can sip on that. I’ll figure out the ‘enough’ part,” Ash said with a smile and exchanged the knife in Ali’s hand with the wine in her hand.

Ali was quiet and this made Ash turn around, “Why are you smiling?”

“Just,” Ali still had the smile on her face.

“Just?” Ash chuckled.

“You called me princess,” Ali said shyly and took a sip out of the mug with the intentions to hide her face.

Although Ash knew what Ali meant but decided not to address that exactly at the moment as it wasn’t quite the time and place for that conversation, “Um, should I call you prince charming then?” Ash joked.

“Oh you think you’re funny,” Ali responded and slapped Ash’s hand away from her reach.

After about and hour or two later, dinner was ready. They had been snacking while waiting for the food to be ready so they weren’t too hungry.  Dinner was perfect. It was simple, quiet, and romantic. It was the first meal the two had together sitting down across from each other. Of course, Al was whining all throughout dinner begging for food.

“I don’t see you complaining about that fish,” Ash teased Ali as she took a sip out of her beer bottle.

“I never said I don’t like it. I just didn’t want to touch it,” Ali responded without much shame. 

“You and your twisted words,” Ash chuckled.

Since Ash cooked dinner, Ali did the dishes; not that Ash liked doing the dishes so it worked out well. After dinner the two got comfortable on the pulled out couch in front of the fireplace and cuddled next to each other with Al on the foot of the bed.

“This is perfect,” Ali whispered loudly.

“This is. Thanks for coming with,” Ash said as she placed a kiss on Ali’s head. It was the first move Ash had made other than holding hands or cuddling. Ali definitely noticed which is why she had an even bigger smile on her face.

“Thank you for having me,” Ali replied.

The two spent a little longer just talking about random things and laughed at how loudly Al was snoring. They talked about how smart it was of them to make sure he slept on the foot of their beds even when they lived together because it would have sucked for him to cuddle in between them. With the night getting darker and colder outside, it only got warmer and lighter inside. The two eventually fell asleep, holding each other tight in each other’s embrace. There couldn’t have been a warmer winter in Vermont.

The next day, Ash called Jerry and asked what they could bring over to the dinner and Jerry just said a good positive attitude and Ali. This got a good laugh from Ali and Jerry when Ash said that if she didn’t know any better, she would have thought Jerry had a thing for Ali and Jerry had a good comeback with, “Maybe you don’t know any better.”

Even though it had been a year, Al knew exactly where he was and where things were. Since it had been so cold, Ash had been a little lazy about running outside with Al which meant that the puppy had way too much energy stored up. So, it was a good thing to be at the cabin where she could just sit on the front porch with a cup of coffee while she let Al run around the front. It didn’t hurt that Ali would come and sit on her lap and join her.

When it was about three, they got ready to leave for Jerry’s. “You sure we don’t have to take anything?” Ali ask one last time.

“I’m sure. He would have asked if he needed anything. You know him,” Ash said as she tried to wrap her scarf around her. With the static electricity it was hard for her to get it around her neck.

“Come here you silly,” Ali said with a laugh as she helped Ash with her scarf, “I should get you one of those anti-static spray.”

Ash just smiled and let Ali help her out. And at that moment she realized how happy she was. She realized how lucky she was. This was their second chance to make things right and give a shot to something they had been wanting. While Ali was still making fun of Ash not being able to put a simple scarf on by herself, Ash heard nothing that came out of Ali’s mouth. She just simply stood there and smiled.

When Ali realized how quiet Ash was for all the fun she making of her, she looked up and saw the blond smiling down at her. “What you goof? Why are you smiling like that?” Ali asked with a quizzical smile.

“Just.”

“Just?”

“Just how lucky I am. Just how much I want to kiss you,” Ash said. It wasn’t a secret and they both knew.

“I know. I want to kiss you too. But, we’re going to be late for Jerry’s so we should save that for later,” Ali said as she patted Ash’s chest and intertwined their hands and headed out.

They drove over to Jerry’s just before four. As Ash drove into the driveway she saw something but she couldn’t really remember much so just let it slip. _That’s weird…_ Ash thought to herself. The two of them walked over to the house and went it. Ash was very familiar with Jerry’s place. After his parents had decided to move to the city, they gave the house to Jerry and his siblings to figure out what they wanted to do with it. Jerry being the one living in Vermont, decided to take care of the house and live there while the rest of the family used it as a summer/winter home. It was the perfect place for the family dinner.

“Hey! Glad you made it!” Jerry came over and greeted Ashlyn and Ali by the door.

“Thanks for having us!” Ali said as she hugged Jerry. “I know you said nothing but still…” Ali said as she pulled out a bottle of wine.

“Well, I won’t deny good wine from a World Cup super star then,” Jerry responded and winked at Ali. And before Jerry could get to Ashlyn, she was being picked up by Steve, one of Jerry’s brother.

“HA! I GOT YOU!” Steve yelled as he had her sacked to the ground.

“THAT’S TOTALLY CHEATING YOU DIDN’T EVEN CALL IT!!!!” Ash shouted back as she was on the ground trying to get out of Steve’s grip. The two had always been like that. They grew up together and Ashlyn had always been competitive and rough with each other. Perhaps it was because they grew up playing football all summer for the past how many years.

“Whatever! I’ll let you slid this once since it is a ‘family’ dinner,” Steve laughed victoriously and got up and held out his hand for Ash to grab.

“Right, you know you have nothing on me,” Ash laughed, “Good to see you Stevie Stevo.”

“Ugh, you know the last time you called me that, Sarah’s kids now call me Uncle Stevie Stevo?” Steve replied as if it was a big bother but it really wasn’t; Sarah was the oldest of the Markson’s.

“Speaking of Sarah, where are they? And your parents,” Ash asked curiously.

“Well, Sarah and Brian are taking mom and dad on a New Year’s cruise this year so they won’t be able to make it. So, it’s just you, Ali, Jerry, me, Tara, and—” And before Steve could finish his sentence someone came into the living room with a bowl of salad.

“Jessica?!” _What is she doing here?! I knew I recognized that car outside from somewhere!_ Ashlyn thought to herself.

“Hey Ash,” Jessica said as if nothing was wrong and continued to head over to the dining table to place the salad bowl. “What? You didn’t expect to see me this soon?” She said as she went and hugged Ali.

“I’m so glad you two could make it,” Jessica said but more so to Ali.

“We wouldn’t have missed it,” Ali replied with a smile.

First, this whole Ali and Jessica encounter was very… weird. She didn’t mention it yesterday but it was way too smooth of a sail. Second, what the heck was she here for? It’s true that Jessica had been over to few New Year’s dinners at the Markson’s but from what Steve had mentioned every was there with…

“So….....” Jerry said carefully as he came over to the crowd that was in the living room. “I forgot to tell you that um…” Jerry brought it out carefully again as he wrapped his arms around Jessica’s waist and Jessica held out her left hand for everyone to see: and there it was, Mrs. Markson’s engagement ring.

“WHAT?!” Ash yelled in disbelief.

“Ashlyn! That’s rude!” Ali said as she slapped the blonde’s arm and gave both couple a hug, “I’m so happy for you guys again! Gosh!” Ali was genuinely happy for the two.

While Ash and Jerry were still outside yesterday, Ali had found out about Jessica and Jerry.

“Ash? Say something will you?” Jerry said nervously as he saw here still with her mouth wide opened. Although Jerry knew Ashlyn wouldn’t mind but he was now starting to wonder if he should have said something because after all it is kind of weird to be engaged to one of your best friends’ ex or whatever Ash and Jessica were.

“Ash?” Ali called her.

That’s when Ash realized she had been on pause. “Oh… I’m sorry… I’m just… I mean… I’m happy for you guys! Oh my gosh! What?! I’m very happy for you guys!” Ash got herself to come back down to the real world from this shocking news and hugged the two. She was also genuinely happy for them. It was just a shock because she would have NEVER guessed this and definitely didn’t see this coming.

“Thanks Ash. It means a lot coming from you,” Jessica smiled.

“No, of course I mean, you found yourself a great man,” Ash replied and then it all kind of dawned on her of this “weird” situation again. “Wait… First, how do YOU know about it?” Ash asked facing Ali and continued, “And how in the world did YOU miss to tell me this?!” Ash said a little more annoyed that Jerry kept it a secret.

“Details. Now. Spill,” Ash demanded.

“Haha hold your horses young one, can we at least make it to the table and you still haven’t said hi to Tara,” Jerry laughed.

“Right, fine. But, don’t try to swarm out of this one all of you,” Ashlyn made sure.

“No one is trying to get out of anything,” Jerry responded and they headed towards the kitchen to gather around where all the appetizers were and catch up before the food was ready for dinner.

The six of them caught up on things. Steve and Tara had been dating since they were in high school so everyone was familiar with each other. The only two people who weren’t so familiar with one another was Ali and Jessica but they didn’t seem like that either.

“So, tell me now. HOW and WHEN did this exactly happen?!” Ash said as she took a sip out of her water and one of her arms swung around Ali’s chair.

“Wow, you’re really invested in this aren’t you?” Steve added, “I don’t get how you kept it from her Jer. Literally you guys are like the closet living human beings in that wilderness out there.”

“Wait, are you telling me that it had been going on for THAT long?!” Ash’s jaw dropped again.

“Okay miss, first of all, how was I supposed to tell you that when you’re always in such a hurry to get your stuff at the corner store and leave even before I can ask you how you are doing? Second, how do I bring up the fact that I’m seeing your ex?” Jerry spitted out.

Everyone laughed and that was the best part. It wasn’t like Ash and Jessica had went their separate ways because of a fall out but they knew what they had was something temporary but healthy. It was the broken healing the broken.

“I mean, you know I wouldn’t have said anything about it. Geez, I’m hurt that you underestimate our friendship like that Jer,” Ash scoffed as if she was really offended.

“Well, I was meaning to tell you and then you left and then you never called so… I guess this is the price you pay,” Jerry said not even bothered one bit.

“Haha whatever, I’m just really happy for you guys and I can’t believe it but.. Yeah, I’m really, really happy for you guys,” Ash smiled and lifted her glass up, “To Jerry and Jessica.”

“Jerry and Jessica,” everyone said with their glasses up.

“Which also reminds me…” Jerry said carefully, “I was wondering if you could do us a favor Ash.”

“Yeah sure what is it?” Ash replied mindlessly.

“We’ll pay you and all but I was wondering if you could help us out with some wood wedding décor…?” Jerry asked with a slight sense of doubt. “I mean there won’t be a lot of people like maybe 50 the most but we were thinking about customized napkin rings for everyone. I understand that that’s a lot and that you’re busy now that you’re back in the city and like this is short notice and all and we totally understand if you can’t and that’s—” Jerry was now rambling because of the lack of facial expression on Ashlyn’s face that made it impossible for him to get a grip of what she was going to say.

“Consider it done. My wedding gift,” Ash said with a smile, “I actually haven’t told Ali about this but,” this got a look from Ali –even thought Ali knew they were on good terms she was still a little nervous with where this was going—“I was thinking about coming back up here to spend some time fixing the house and moving some of the crafts to sell and what not.” Ash saw the demeanor in Ali change and made sure she was explaining herself so that the defender didn’t get the wrong message.

“I figured after Ali starts her season in DC it would probably be the same for me to go see her and whatnot from here as it would be from Florida and if that’s the case, why move all the workshop stuff all the way to down there when I could work here, right? So just so everyone knows because I see that look on all of your faces, I’m not here for the reason I was here. I promise I’ll meet you guys for drinks, go fishing, drive over to Boston for Ali’s games and whatnot. I’ll even help with you guys’ wedding plan. Just saying,” Ash said as she smiled down at Ali.

Ali and Ash hadn’t spoken about their post-holidays plans and this was definitely music to Ali’s ears. She was wondering what Ash wanted to do especially since she had moved and had been living in her gram’s house but this kind of answered one of the questions she had in mind for them.

“Plus, I’m 29 I really don’t want to be living back home. I can fix up this cabin and maybe make an extension or something and make it look more like a house. I’m thinking about getting a T.V. and cable and some internet too,” Ash said to impressed.

“Wow, you’re really gonna make the cabin your new home, huh?” Steve asked surprised.

“Yeah, it really grew on me while I was here and I like it. I’m not trying to be a recluse so when the three musketeers come, I won’t have to hear them complain about living in the Stone Age like a recluse,” Ash laughed.

“Does your family know about this?” Jerry asked.

“Yeah, I told them before Christmas and I gave them the same assurance. Anyone is welcome to visit and I’ll be visiting people and that reminds me. If Sarah Huffman ever says anything, you guys will all vouch for me that I’m not doing this out of craziness, okay?” Ash made sure that they got the last part because out of all the people she was dreading to tell Sarah.

“Hahaha you’re such a sucker for that whole family,” Ali laughed and cuddled next to Ash. While Ali would have liked Ash to be closer and maybe even ask if she wanted to join her in D.C. but she also was glad Ash was doing something that she wanted to while making sure that Ali was still part of her plans.

“Well, let me know if you need anything. I can help out with the landscaping stuff. I can bring my new baby up and do some digging,” Jerry said excitedly now that he kind of understand where this was going. It was a good vibe that followed.

Ash looked at Jerry a little confused and that’s when Jessica interfered, “He needed to rebuild the garage so he bought this mini bulldozer because of course he wants to do EVERYTHING on his own –he thinks just because he got a degree from Stanford that he knows EVERYTHING— but he ended up never using it and calling the contractor,” Jessica finished as she rolled her eyes at her finance.

“Hahaha you would. Well, maybe you can finally put that think to some use,” Ash said.

“Maybe?! Oh, I’m using that thing,” Jerry said in confidence.

“I might not need it,” Ash protested like a child.

“You’re going to need it. I’m telling you that you’re going to need it,” Jerry contested. Everyone laughed at Jerry’s strange determination to use his old but new toy and the six of them very much enjoyed this company. While dinner was happening, the weather outside got really bad with the snow storm that Jerry insisted that Ash and Ali stay the night in the guest room; they decided that that was a good idea since neither one of them felt too comfortable driving in the snow. It was also a good thing that Ash made sure she turned the heat on instead of the fireplace for Al before they left back at the cabin.

“Today was perfect,” Ali said as she wrapped her arm around Ashlyn and cuddled up next to her.

“It was. I mean… The whole Jerry and Jessica thing kind of blew me off balance there for a second but I’m really happy for them,” Ash said and nodded thinking about how really great those two are together.

“Speaking of which, how did you know about them?” Ash asked Ali.

“Well, while you and Jerry were outside hulling things, she kind of filled me in on stuff,” Ali responded as she grazed her finger over Ash’s face.

“On stuff, huh?” Ash was curious to what stuff Ali was talking about because it sure sounded a lot more than just about Jerry and Jessica being together.

“Yeah, stuff,” Ali smiled.

“So… she told you…” Ash said with her mind doing some big time thinking about how to explain everything.

“Ali, I didn’t mean to keep it from you. I was going to tell you about it and like everything—”

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s fine. I understand plus, I wouldn’t have known how to bring about something like that anyway. And, she’s great and I really am thankful for her. Thankful that she took care of you when I couldn’t. Thankful that she was there when you needed someone to understand things that were too hard to be done in words. Thankful that she loved you in a way for you to heal and find your way back to me,” Ali said with tears forming in her eyes.

“Alex…”

“I really do see it. I really do. This is why you brought be here right?”Ali smiled as she wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Ash said.

“I know but then we probably wouldn’t be able to get much sleep,” Ali responded and just cuddled closer into Ash’s arms. It was true that Ash brought Ali to show her what she went through and how she felt over the years. Jessica was not one of the ways in which Ash had planned to show Ali anything but it worked out. Jessica happened to be the first unexpected thing to show Ali the past six years of Ashlyn.

The two slept well and they were even able to sleep in a little since Al wasn’t there to wake them up; however, that became all the reason for them to head back to the cabin in a hurry so that they could let Al out and whatnot.

“Thanks for everything Jerry! It was great as usual,” Al thanked the guy with a hug before she got inside the car.

“Yeah, thanks Jer. I don’t know exactly how long Ali has but we’ll probably be here for another two three days so maybe you and Jessica can come over for dinner or something at the cabin before we leave?” Ash said as she leaned across Ali so that she could see Jerry through the passenger window.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“We can talk about wood and the design and all that stuff too for the napkin ring,” Ash threw it out there.

“Yeah definitely. I’m sure Jessica would like that,” Jerry laughed, “All right, drive safe and Happy New Years guys!”

“You too Jerry!” Ash and Ali yelled as they drove off.

It took them about 30 mins to get back home; there was still snow on the ground and made it impossible to drive above 30 MPH. When they got to the cabin, Al was going nuts. They could tell that Al had curled up on the pulled out couch under the comforter.

“Hi buddy! I’m sorry we left you all along last night but the snow was so bad,” Ali spoke to the dog that was just jumping and licking Ali’s face. “Well, lets get you out to potty.” Ali took Al out to the front and watched the thing run around and roll in snow. He was a hunting dog.

After Al had some time to run off all that energy that was stored up, Ali took him in and feed Al. Al had some interview questions Sports Illustrator had sent her earlier which she started working on as Ash start to work on the house. After what seemed about few hours, Ali walked over to Ash’s workshop to find the blonde busily organizing and sharpening her tools.

“Hey stud,” Ali said as she walked over and sat on the desk in front of Ash.

“What’s up beautiful? Did you get some work done?” Ash asked as she wrapped her arms around Ali’s legs and placed them on her lap from where she was sitting.

“I think so,” Ali smiled while she looked around the place.

“Good,” Ash replied.

“You know… what you said yesterday… at Jerry’s,” Ali brought up slowly. She wanted to ask Ash about her intentions and plans Ash had for the two but never got around to it and was reminded of it when she saw all of Ash’s work laying about still covered by the white cloth.

Ash chuckled and looked up at Ali, “I was wondering when you were going to bring it up. I meant everything Alex. I like what I’m doing and I like this,” Ash said as she brought both of her hands to the side of Ali’s thighs and started rubbing up and down.

“I didn’t mean to speak for you by making all the plans before hand but I want to continue doing this wood work stuff and I would also like to be with you, watch you play, hangout with some of the girls from the team, spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years together, and much more. Of course, only if you would want. I don’t want you to think that me finding a home here is any different from making Florida home. I just feel like since I already have what I need here, I could really focus on craftwork and try to really make it living out of it,” Ash was now brushing Ali’s side hair.

Ali had tears in her eyes and slowly brought one of her hands to grab Ash’s hand what is on her face and kissed it. “I do. I want what you want. I promise,” There was so much more that Ali wanted to say but that was all she could say.

“I wanted to bring you here because I wanted to show you something. I know you still have that weird guilt that you carry because of something I said stupidly and you think that I hated you but Ali that’s untrue. Come here,” Ash said as she helped Ali off the table and intertwined their hands. Ash guided Ali over towards a shelf that was covered just like all the other craftwork in the room. When the two of them were there, Ash slowly let go of Ali’s hand and lifted the white cloth and that's when the tears in Ali’s eyes started to stream down her face like no other. She brought her hands over her mouth in gasp and couldn’t believe what was in front of her eyes. Six years had she thought Ash remembered nothing of her, nothing of them but boy was she wrong.

In front of Ali were about twenty little figurines of different monuments around the world and a tea set that was delicately carved and smoothed. “I know they’re not like the glass figurines you wanted but in the back of my mind, you were always there. I hadn’t forgotten about you,” Ash said as she lifted Ali’s head so that she could see her eyes.

The twenty some monumental figurines were of all the places Ali and Ash had travelled together whether it was during vacations or with the teams but Ali had always said that she wanted something to remember the places she went, “Maybe a glass figurine would be nice,” she once said.

“You… remembered…” Ali said in a whisper.

“While I was carving these, I wondered why these places came to my mind. I would be lying in bed and some of these places would just pop up and I would make a sketch in the middle of the night,” Ash picked up the Eiffel Tower, “I even went over to Jerry’s a few times to use his old desktop to find pictures.” Ash chuckled as she placed the figurine back to its original place.

“And when you told me about what you went through that night you came over, I remembered these. Alex, I honestly don't think it was the shock from the fire. I think, up till the fire, I had been trying to ignore and move on from you like I did with all the other girls. While it was impossible to do that because you weren’t just some random girl, I didn’t know that and when the explosion happened, I think that became my hiding place. I think my conscience used that as a way for me to just forget because it was eating me inside without knowing about it.”

Ali looked at her with guilt. She just stared at Ash with such sympathy and guilt. “I’m sorry Ash. I’m really sorry. Do you remember what you told me?”

There were so many things Ash said none in which she really wanted to recall. “Huh?” Ash replied.

“You said that you don’t just miss things like this and you don’t wait for things to happen so you know what you’re missing,” Ali said.

Ash did remember that. While she didn’t mean it, she seemed to be having trouble finding the right way to respond to that.

“Ali—”

“No, just listen to me. You’re right. You don’t just miss things like that and only realize it when shit goes down. You’re right. And, it had me thinking for a while because I was wondering if I had been taking you for granted… And, I’m sorry if that’s what I did. But, you know what? I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I want to show you exactly how sorry and thankful and how much I love you for however long we have left,” Ali confessed as she grazed her finger over Ashlyn’s lower lips.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Ash said between her smile.

“I think you should,” Ali responded with a laugh as she wiped her tears.

Ashlyn slowly brought her lips onto Ali’s lips. Giving it a light tug, both of them pressed their lips tightly against each other while their hands made sure their bodies stayed close. Then, Ali started to slowly move her lips and ask for more. She sucked on Ashlyn’s lower lips and Ash brought her tongue towards Ali’s lips and gave her inner upper lip a quick lick. It was as if things had finally fallen through, as if the pieces of the puzzles finally started to fit.

The two stood in the middle of Ash’s workshop, getting to know each other’s lips and body. When the two need to catch a breath that’s when Al came jumping on them.

“Wow, perfect timing bud,” Ali said as she laid her head onto Ash’s shoulder and let Ash hug her.

“Haha, he’s always on time. You hungry buddy?” Ash asked as she looked at her watch. “Yup, you see? Four o’clock on the dot. All righty, let’s get you some food,” Ash said as she kept Ali right by her side in a side hug and walked towards the kitchen.

Ali and Ash fixed Al’s dinner and started getting their dinner ready as well. It was a different kind of atmosphere. It was as if they were back to before, yet, not really. The two ate leftovers from Jerry’s the other night and while they could have gone to town for the New Year’s firework, they decided to just stay behind and catch up. With dinner and taking Al out on a long walk all out of the way, the two made their way comfortable to the pulled out couch.

Lying right in front of the fireplace, the two lovebirds couldn’t get their smiles off their faces.

“You’re so pretty,” Ash says as she looked down at Ali.

“Oh shush,” Ali said with her cheeks getting rosy.

“Then why are you blushing?” Ash chuckled and slightly pinched her cheek.

“It’s the fire, duh!” Ali responded but she knew it wasn’t that.

“Right… Sigh, this is so perfect. I missed this,” Ash admitted.

“Um, we’ve been cuddling in bed every night,” Ali laughed.

“I know that. I meant this,” Ash said as she reached down to tilt Ali’s face towards her and captured her lips with her own.

“Hmmmm, I could really get used to this,” Ali said as she smiled into the kiss.

It was only a matter of time before things would heat up and it was about to get real toasty. Ash slowly repositioned herself on top of Ali and their kiss turned into something really hungry and passionate. Either of them knew where to put their hands because there were way to many places to be all at once. With Ash’s hand making its way towards Ali’s side, Ash diverted their kiss towards Ali’s neck.

“Mmmmmm,” Ali moaned as she cradled Ash’s head closer to her.

“You tell me when to stop,” Ash said as she let out between her kissing and licking and sucking.

“I want you,” Ali said quietly.

Ash almost missed it as she was busy attacking Ali’s neck but those words perked her ears.

“What?” Ash said surprised, now staring into Ali’s eyes.

“You heard me. I want you no less that I did that one drunk night you thought I don’t remember,” Ali said with a rather sly smile.

“I… you know… Ali I really want to too but you don’t have to—” Ash said with a quizzical smile not knowing how she should bring it up.

“I’m not doing anything. I just want what I have been thinking about for the past six years. Being with you. Having you by my side. Loving you like you should always be loved,” Ali said with a smile, “So, unless you’re unsure, I’m 100% all in here,” Ali finished off with a kiss and a wink.

“I’m… gosh… you’re leaving me speechless,” Ash let it out with a shy smile and buried her face into Ali’s neck.

“I want you too,” Ash responded finally and kissed Ali and the two spent the whole night exploring each other. The couch soon became a no clothes zone and as smart of a dog Al was, he made sure he slept in the guest bedroom that night. It was going to be a great year ahead of them.

The next morning, Ash woke up to an empty bed and the smell of coffee coming from the be kitchen and before she could even get disappointed, Ali walked in with two mugs of freshly brewed coffee in Ash’s oversized flannel button up.

“Morning babe,” Ali said as she handed Ash her mug and a chaste kiss.

“Morning beautiful,” Ash smiled into Ali’s smile. “Wow, I can really get used to this. You sure you don’t want to quit soccer and come be my assistant here?” Ash joked before she took a sip of her coffee.

“I’ll think about it once you get a flatscreen TV, Netflix, high speed Internet, a Jacuzzi, and oh, a pedicure and manicure shop too,” Ali responded with sarcasm.

“Done,” Ash said playing along. Things were just perfect. Ashlyn got herself up and swung her arm around Ali’s shoulder and pulled her in for a kiss.

“Who knew you were such a pillow princess, oh wait, I did,” Ash said jokingly.

Ali wasn’t ashamed of it and Ash didn’t seem to have minded when she was calling her name during sex. And of course, it was Ali’s witty come back that set the score straight between them. “Who knew being with a woman was this much better. Maybe if I knew any sooner, I would have slept with women a lot soon,” Ali knew her game so well.

“Uhhhh, yeah? I swear if you weren’t a soccer player, you would have been a lawyer with your crafty words,” Ash said defeated, “You win. And guess what?”

“What?”

“I don’t mind losing as long as it’s to you,” Ash said charmingly.

“And you say that I’m good with words…” Ali couldn’t help but smile at the blonde being so innocently cute.

“Also, Happy New Year,” Ali said into their kiss.

“Well, Happy New Year to you too. I guess that means that we should put these away,” Ash grabbed Ali’s mug and placed both of their mugs on the table next to the pullout couch, “And celebrate.” Ash brought Ali under her and started unbuttoning Ali’s clothes and taking her shirt off.

“Wow, so many things to celebrate,” Ali smiled and kissed Ash with her arms wrapped around Ashlyn’s waist and neck.

“It’s you and me. Of course we have things to celebrate,” Ash winked.


End file.
